I have been troubled by sexual issues for over fifteen years

[Desmond95]

This article will be relatively long, describing my entire journey with sexual entanglement. If you have the patience to read through it and can provide me with some guidance and feedback, I would be very, very grateful. In short, my main issues are sexual repression, sexual shame (partially due to not accepting my own kinks & fetishes), and difficulty with intercourse.

I am a male who grew up in Asia. Sex education was completely absent from most families in my hometown. My earliest memory of sex was when I was 4 or 5 years old. I would wake up early, while my parents were still asleep, go to the next room, and use the hands of cartoon character toys to gently pinch my penis. Is this perhaps normal? Is it? (I have long relied on the evaluation systems of others and find it difficult to have firm values of my own. If someone says this is not normal, I would believe it and reflect on myself, leading to internal conflict. The content in parentheses is not meant to make the reader agree with me, but this early experience reminds me of my psychological issue, and saying it out loud might help others understand me from another perspective.)
The following experience, I can say, changed my life from that day until now. It can be divided into two parts, both related to my uncle's daughter. She was 4 years older than me. When I was 7, one day we lived in my grandma's house. Because we were both children, our parents arranged for us to sleep together. (Thinking about it now, weren't they at all sensitive to sex education?) The next morning when I woke up, I found her holding my penis. I don't remember if it was erect, only that I was at a loss, not knowing what to do. (Speaking of which, my father was very strict. He often scolded me loudly, with vulgar language, and forbade me to resist. Sometimes, he would even hit me. So, growing up, there were many times when I was at a loss and just stood there. Even if my mom was present, she generally wouldn't argue with him, so I felt for a long time that no one cared about me, and I still have this feeling today). When she found that I was awake, she probably told me in a threatening tone not to tell the adults, saying that she would punish me if I didn't behave, and she slapped my penis a few times. My memory of this experience ends here.
Unfortunately, I experienced sexual pleasure at that time and began to repeat it frequently, essentially forcing myself to learn masturbation prematurely. During these remembrances, I would also recall her holding my penis and slapping it. I'm unsure if there's a connection, but until now, I've always had a strong desire for someone to hold my penis. (If this is a common experience, I'd appreciate knowing.) On the other hand, I realized early on that I enjoyed being 'submissive.' Perhaps, repeatedly recalling this incident throughout my growth reinforced a certain neural pathway in my brain, giving me sub/m tendencies. I'm still very conflicted; I dislike seeing myself like that, I feel it's degrading, yet physiologically, I enjoy it, even crave it. Here's the end of the 1st part.

As for the 2nd part, I can't remember the exact order of events compared to the 1stpart, but I feel that the 2nd part, as I've divided them, had a greater negative impact on me. So, I'll describe it in this order.
One day, she took me to her house, and her parents were out. I don't remember much of the other details, but I do remember she took me into her parents' bedroom and made me sit (or maybe kneel, I can't remember) on the carpet. She lay on the bed, lifted her legs up in the air, and started masturbating, telling me to watch. That was the first time I saw a vagina. I still remember the white discharge between her legs. From that moment on, I couldn't stop thinking, "Why do girls have things like that between their legs? Do all girls have things like that? Even my best friend, my teacher, and even my family members...
Before puberty, when I met them, I wouldn't usually think about that. But at night, I would think about this question while masturbating. However, until today, I still can't figure it out. I've always been unable to connect that image of a vagina with the various faces of ladies. I'm even reluctant to believe that the things between their legs are like that.

[Sofi]

Hi there, welcome to the boards!

First off, I'm sorry you've been feeling troubled by this for so long. I want to make it clear that both of those situations were highly inappropriate and even traumatic, so it is completely valid to feel the way you do about them. It isn't fair that people have to go through these experiences and carry the confusion that comes from them into adulthood. Unfortunately this is very common for people who go through COCSA.

I want to also ask if you've ever talked to anyone about this, whether that's a trusted friend or a mental health professional? Trauma needs to be processed so we can begin to heal, and if you've been holding onto this all these years, it is most likely the main reason you're struggling with sexuality. I would recommend seeking a trauma informed therapist who can help you with this.

Lastly, I want to acknowledge that these events on top of lack of sexual ed and growing up in a culture where sex is shameful all contribute to how you're feeling. What you described is not abnormal, many folks start exploring self pleasure at a young age as they discover new things about how our bodies work. I don't want you to think you did something bad or shameful. Also, being intrigued by something like submissiveness can happen as a result of an experience like yours, but at the same time, it's not something to be ashamed of. A lot of adults engage in these roles consentually and safely, and if that's something you want to explore further, it is okay to do so as long as that criteria is being met.

Let me know your thoughts so far and if there's anything specific you're looking for us on how we can support you. Also feel free to browse our site and message boards, we have tons of articles and posts that could be really helpful