Scarleteen

First of all, apologies if this is long, but I believe the details may help you better answer me. I am a 25 year old woman with a strong desire to explore my sexuality, but I am a late bloomer to sexuality. I have come from a religious background in which my mother (not my father) holds the abstinence-before-marriage viewpoint. I have had intercourse three times, but they have all been while under the influence of alcohol, and didn't hold any particular meaning or value for me. They did not scar me at all, but were certainly not what I believe would be a truly enjoyable sexual situation. I have dated one guy, when I was 24, for four months; it was a good relationship, and we never had sex. I decided not do because I didn't know if a REAL sexual relationship fit into my religious value system. We broke up, in fact, because he wasn't a Christian and it didn't sit well for me.

I have been single for a year now and have done a tremendous amount of growing and changing. I'm feeling much more mature about my desire for sex and how it may differ from my mother's. I am finally, after at least a year of tough introspection (and therapy), believing that it is okay to have sex and that God will not strike me down for it. As such, I feel...inexperienced, and a bit lame. I have only masturbated about 3 times. I suppose it felt okay, but I typically gave up after about 5 minutes out of boredom or feeling like I wasn't doing it right.

I am a very mature woman and I have accomplished a lot in my life. But when it comes to sexuality, I feel like I'm not sure where to start. I have recently started seeing a man who I'm very attracted to - who is a Christian and shares my values - and I have a strong desire for partnered sex. I feel that, being 25, it's a decision that I should be able to make and be okay with making. But when I read your article about masturbating and realized, "I've never achieved an orgasm on my own," I thought, Is it even okay for me to be thinking about having partnered sex? Do you think it is a necessity for me to explore my body first?

Another thing I should probably add is that I am a very intellectual, goal oriented person. One of the reasons I get so frustrated with masturbating is that I'm not terribly patient. I would love your advice on what I might do to help with that.

Thank you so much!

Hi livinboston,

Firstly, let me welcome to scarleteen, I'm so glad that you've had a read of some articles ahead of time!

Anyhow, as per being 25 and feeling you should be ok deciding to have sex - from my perspective, age isn't really an issue. Some people never find themselves making that decision, and some people feel like they would like to much younger, but the reality is that we are never 100% ready for something we haven't done yet. There's always an element of experimentation and you have to hit bum notes when you start making music... so really the decision you make is to give it a try.

I think being goal driven, is totally something we can work with... (so long as it's not something that puts extra pressure on you!)... that just makes it a question of what those goals are.

Orgasm in my opinion doesn't need to be central to the pleasure you take, and it isn't something you need to achieve before (or during) partnered sex. For some folks, the sensation of being physically close to someone is all they're aiming for, and enjoying for others it is the exploration of their own bodies, and at the same time of course orgasms have a pretty big fanclub too... but not everyone has to be a member.

So, although it is great to know your own body before going into partnered sex, that doesn't necessarily mean having had orgasms. So if you are going to think about goals, and why you would masturbate (if at all), perhaps think of what some alternative ones could be.

Off the top of my head the goals could be...

* To find sensations that feel nice
* To relax
* To learn something about your body
* To experience a new sensation

Orgasms could be something you discover along the way but they aren't the be-all and end-all. Importantly it isn't your responsibility to be having them in partnered sex or otherwise. This is just about enjoying yourself, so if the process sucks, then the goal is maybe not the best one.

Hope this helps!