Scarleteen

Hi! First of all thank you for creating this safe space. My post may be triggering to some, so read with precaution.

I was raped by my first boyfriend when i was 18 and lost my virginity in that interaction. I still have sequels of that event, and even tho i have progressed in my healing process, sometimes it feels it never ends (Im 25yo). Ive never actually enjoyed sex with penetration as my first experience was SA, and most of the times it hurts, but when i feel safe, a very few times, i doesn't hurt and thats the closest to enjoying. My actual boyfriend has been really patient and caring and helped me a lot with the process of healing, we ve been together for 2 years, but i know he is sexually frustrated cause i asked him recently and he admitted it. He has a very high libido, but we almost never have penetration sex because it's triggering to me and he understand that. I think in the entire relation we probably have had only 5 times penetration sex. Also he is addicted to porn and is going to therapy for that, so we both have our complex feelings related to sex. I recently stomped a video that talked about how the lack of sex could end up ruinning relationships and enhanced the importance of talking about it, which enhanced my fears of not being "worthy". I brought the topic to him, and thats when he admitted he has been frustrated for a very long time because even tho im the person he loves the most, he desires a lot to have penetration sex, and has even considered breaking up because of that amount of frustration, but didn't wanted to tell me because he didn't wanted to pressure myself. I really want to enjoy sex and enjoy penetration sex with him, but i dont know if it will ever be possible and how long would it take to me. I know that having penetration sex just to avoid him being frustrated will ultimately hut myself, so i dont want to pressure myself into it, but at the same time im really tired of not improving. I fear that i may never enjoy sex. I'll appreciate any advice, either related to the pleasure after rape, how to deal with both of our frustations, and if its really possible for someone with trauma to have a healthy relationship. Thank you.

Hi there, Seira. I'm glad that you've found us.

I thought you might feel best getting a response to this from someone else who is also a sexual assault survivor, and who also has had a rich sexual life that they've enjoyed and still enjoy. Not only do we -- assault survivors, and those who have experienced trauma, who also have sexual lives we enjoy -- exist, there are actually quite a lot of us, and chances are awfully good that that can describe you in time, too.

I actually want to start there, because I think there are just a few central ingredients to getting to that place, and those are these:
• allowing yourself time, space and help to heal in your own way, without any pressure to rush the process, and ideally with some qualified help
• the ability -- by yourself, with any partners, and in general -- to define and engage in sex on your own terms and at your own pace, and
• with any partners, having partners who can be flexible, patient and understanding (honestly, that's what everyone needs for sexual experiences with partners they enjoy, but survivors all the more), and who are a good fit for us.

It sounds to me like you and your current partner may not be a great fit for each other, and ultimately, I think it's him who might not be the best fit for you, most of all. After all, with any partners he is going to have, he -- like any of us -- is going to have to accept that there may be things he wants to do or a frequency he wants with things that isn't a fit for any given partner. I'll tell you this as someone who has most often been the higher desire partner in my relationships: it doesn't do us harm not to do things we want to do, really, but it can, of course, damage relationships or the other person to do things they don't deeply want to, or to feel like they should. In situations like that, where one partner wants much more frequency of sex or a kind of sex another doesn't, the solution isn't usually going to be for the other to try and meet that partner's wants. Instead, solutions with that situation tend to look more like either opening up a relationship -- to give the partner who wants more frequency or things the other doesn't opportunities for other relationships with people who are more like them -- or changing the nature of a relationship so that it isn't a sexual one anymore, and then each of the people in that relationship can seek out sexual partners who are a better fit.

It also sounds to me like you two each have a lot of your own work to do, and it's somewhat different work. It's hard for me to see how you are going to be able to do your healing work, including exploring sex on your own terms, without feeling pressure to conform to someone else's wants when you're with someone who you know wants things you don't right now and might not any time soon. In fact, I strongly suspect that so long as you are with someone where that want for intercourse feels more like a need, it's going to be extra hard for you to carve out your own sexuality, because his frustration and want feels like it's taking up so much space, know what I mean?

Ultimately, a sexual or romantic partner isn't usually going to be someone who is the best person for us to do our healing work with. Better people to help with that will be people who don't have their own wants from us, like counselors, therapists, support groups and platonic friends. Can I ask if you've had any of that kind of help?

I also wonder if you might be able to tell me about what opportunities you have had to explore sex and sexuality outside this relationship, whether that's on your own, with masturbation and other kinds of self-touch or solo sexuality, or with other partners? When I say sex, too, understand I don't mean intercourse: that's just one kind of sex (and I also say this to remind you that not doing that or not enjoying that doesn't mean you can't or don't enjoy sex, as that is just one way of so, so many ways of being sexual). I mean the wide array of things we can do alone or with a partner to express and explore our sexualities. That's also where my head is at when I say that you can probably become someone who enjoys sex: I'm not presuming that means any particular sexual activities, but instead, whatever group of activities or ways of being sexual that turn out to be the things that feel good for you, physically and emotionally. That may or may not include intercourse at any given time, yet, or in general, but even if it's never something you like or want to do, please know that still wouldn't mean you can't have a sexual life you and any sexual partners you have enjoy.

I know that was a lot to front-load here. Feel free to let me know how you want to move forward with this conversation. There's obviously more than one thing to talk about here, and we can talk about this one thing at a time or all at once, whatever feels best for you. <3