I have been troubled by sexual issues for over fifteen years

[Desmond95]

This article will be relatively long, describing my entire journey with sexual entanglement. If you have the patience to read through it and can provide me with some guidance and feedback, I would be very, very grateful. In short, my main issues are sexual repression, sexual shame (partially due to not accepting my own kinks & fetishes), and difficulty with intercourse.

I am a male who grew up in Asia. Sex education was completely absent from most families in my hometown. My earliest memory of sex was when I was 4 or 5 years old. I would wake up early, while my parents were still asleep, go to the next room, and use the hands of cartoon character toys to gently pinch my penis. Is this perhaps normal? Is it? (I have long relied on the evaluation systems of others and find it difficult to have firm values of my own. If someone says this is not normal, I would believe it and reflect on myself, leading to internal conflict. The content in parentheses is not meant to make the reader agree with me, but this early experience reminds me of my psychological issue, and saying it out loud might help others understand me from another perspective.)
The following experience, I can say, changed my life from that day until now. It can be divided into two parts, both related to my uncle's daughter. She was 4 years older than me. When I was 7, one day we lived in my grandma's house. Because we were both children, our parents arranged for us to sleep together. (Thinking about it now, weren't they at all sensitive to sex education?) The next morning when I woke up, I found her holding my penis. I don't remember if it was erect, only that I was at a loss, not knowing what to do. (Speaking of which, my father was very strict. He often scolded me loudly, with vulgar language, and forbade me to resist. Sometimes, he would even hit me. So, growing up, there were many times when I was at a loss and just stood there. Even if my mom was present, she generally wouldn't argue with him, so I felt for a long time that no one cared about me, and I still have this feeling today). When she found that I was awake, she probably told me in a threatening tone not to tell the adults, saying that she would punish me if I didn't behave, and she slapped my penis a few times. My memory of this experience ends here.
Unfortunately, I experienced sexual pleasure at that time and began to repeat it frequently, essentially forcing myself to learn masturbation prematurely. During these remembrances, I would also recall her holding my penis and slapping it. I'm unsure if there's a connection, but until now, I've always had a strong desire for someone to hold my penis. (If this is a common experience, I'd appreciate knowing.) On the other hand, I realized early on that I enjoyed being 'submissive.' Perhaps, repeatedly recalling this incident throughout my growth reinforced a certain neural pathway in my brain, giving me sub/m tendencies. I'm still very conflicted; I dislike seeing myself like that, I feel it's degrading, yet physiologically, I enjoy it, even crave it. Here's the end of the 1st part.

As for the 2nd part, I can't remember the exact order of events compared to the 1stpart, but I feel that the 2nd part, as I've divided them, had a greater negative impact on me. So, I'll describe it in this order.
One day, she took me to her house, and her parents were out. I don't remember much of the other details, but I do remember she took me into her parents' bedroom and made me sit (or maybe kneel, I can't remember) on the carpet. She lay on the bed, lifted her legs up in the air, and started masturbating, telling me to watch. That was the first time I saw a vagina. I still remember the white discharge between her legs. From that moment on, I couldn't stop thinking, "Why do girls have things like that between their legs? Do all girls have things like that? Even my best friend, my teacher, and even my family members...
Before puberty, when I met them, I wouldn't usually think about that. But at night, I would think about this question while masturbating. However, until today, I still can't figure it out. I've always been unable to connect that image of a vagina with the various faces of ladies. I'm even reluctant to believe that the things between their legs are like that.

[Sofi]

Hi there, welcome to the boards!

First off, I'm sorry you've been feeling troubled by this for so long. I want to make it clear that both of those situations were highly inappropriate and even traumatic, so it is completely valid to feel the way you do about them. It isn't fair that people have to go through these experiences and carry the confusion that comes from them into adulthood. Unfortunately this is very common for people who go through COCSA.

I want to also ask if you've ever talked to anyone about this, whether that's a trusted friend or a mental health professional? Trauma needs to be processed so we can begin to heal, and if you've been holding onto this all these years, it is most likely the main reason you're struggling with sexuality. I would recommend seeking a trauma informed therapist who can help you with this.

Lastly, I want to acknowledge that these events on top of lack of sexual ed and growing up in a culture where sex is shameful all contribute to how you're feeling. What you described is not abnormal, many folks start exploring self pleasure at a young age as they discover new things about how our bodies work. I don't want you to think you did something bad or shameful. Also, being intrigued by something like submissiveness can happen as a result of an experience like yours, but at the same time, it's not something to be ashamed of. A lot of adults engage in these roles consentually and safely, and if that's something you want to explore further, it is okay to do so as long as that criteria is being met.

Let me know your thoughts so far and if there's anything specific you're looking for us on how we can support you. Also feel free to browse our site and message boards, we have tons of articles and posts that could be really helpful

[Desmond95]

Dear Sofi,

First of all, I want to thank you for your reply. You responded so quickly and accepted me in every way, making me feel less lonely. I rarely receive such feedback. It also makes me want to thank the development of technology. You are in America, and I am in Asia. If it weren't for the internet and the Scarleteen platform, we would never have crossed paths in our lives. But now, you are seriously listening to my experiences and giving me help. I am truly very grateful. Thank you!
You saying my feelings are normal is a great comfort to me, although I still have some doubts. I always suspect that people who take my side aren't simply being kind to me, but have their own agenda. However, since we're strangers and you're a volunteer from a friendly community, my doubts are somewhat alleviated. Although I don't know how many times I need to hear 'your feelings are normal' to accept the fact, perhaps each time I hear it, it will get a little better? I'm not sure...

I think you’ve asked a very crucial question. It’s like finding a thread under a bed that hasn’t been cleaned for a long time. Pulling it will bring out a lot of dust and debris attached to it. I’ve told some people that this is a long story.
About three years ago, I was trying to find a way out through various means. At that time, I read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. One part of it talked about being sexually abused. I remember it roughly saying, “Speaking about it, telling someone you trust, and telling the person who assaulted you is the first step to moving on.” I mentally prepared for this for several months.
First, I told my parents. From what I understood years later, they were very angry, but when I told them, they seemed to have no emotional fluctuations. They may felt embarrassed, and perhaps they also wanted to maintain a calm demeanor as parents in front of me. They only said something like, “We didn’t expect this…” So I didn’t feel any support, but it’s not entirely their fault. Asian culture is too repressive, and they might have been suppressing themselves for decades. But I continued with my plan. I wanted everyone who needed to know to know this. During that time, I told someone I don’t know whether to call a therapist or a counselor (in my country, this isn’t very standardized, and I think there are many charlatans using the identity of a counselor. Certainly, some people have good intentions but lack the capacity to offer effective assistance. Nevertheless, the outcome remains the same: they wasted their clients’ time, money, and effort. Shouldn’t they have more thoroughly evaluated their own competence before accepting the case?). I initially contacted him to deal with anxiety and depression, but later, realizing this issue, I felt I should tell him, hoping to get some support and feedback. I did get some feedback, but it wasn’t positive. He smiled and said to me, “Little girls playing with little boys’ penis, isn’t that just children’s games? You’re exaggerating this.” The answer I spent years digging out was so easily dismissed by him, which made me doubt myself even more. “Am I wrongly accusing her?” This thought often appeared in my mind. But a part of my mind refused to let go of this clue, so even with his feedback, I continued preparing according to the steps in the book.
Until one day, I finally mustered the courage to send her a message on my phone, saying, “You sexually assaulted me when we were kids. We don’t need to contact each other anymore.” It was just two or three short sentences. One reason was the experience of being sexually assaulted by her, and the other was that I was fed up with her hypocrisy and duplicity. During my growing up, there were several other things that made me realize she wasn’t a sincere person, so I hated her. Unexpectedly, she sent me around seventy messages in a row, cursing, humiliating me, and at the same time denying her responsibility, saying that nothing like that ever happened, that I shouldn’t put my own failures on other people. This sentence makes sense in some contexts, but in this context, I don’t think I’m wrongly accusing her at all, the memories are still so vivid. She was using humiliation to divert attention and escape her responsibility. Before that same time, I thought for a long time about her family’s feelings, so I didn’t tell her parents. They were once very kind to me, and I didn’t want to make them sad. I only wanted to give her what she deserved. She also asked me to provide evidence, otherwise she would call the police, and even said she would kill me and skin me alive. I still can’t calmly narrate this experience. Did her reaction deepen my negative feelings?

On a side note, I suspect it's because my father was too strict with me that I couldn't have any close relationship with him. To put it slightly dramatically, I feel we didn't exchange more than 100 different sentence structures in twenty years. The most common ones were: 'I'm going to school,' 'I'm home from school,' 'I'm going to work,' 'I'm home from work,' 'Why are you so stupid?' 'Don't you have a brain?' 'Have you eaten? Let's go somewhere to eat,' 'Go home and do your homework first, I'm going out with friends.' Before I made this list, I thought I was exaggerating, but it seems I wasn't. Perhaps there weren't even 50 different sentence structures. Therefore, during my growing up years, I found my uncle, who was very gentle and rarely got angry, could be close to me, and our relationship gradually improved. I even considered him one of my best friends. So, I didn't want to hurt his and his wife's feelings, so I didn't tell him. Now I don't know if my choice back then was correct. Because their daughter told them, maybe a different version.
About a month after I messaged her, one day, when I was sending my uncle a message, to share something happy like I used do, I suddenly discovered that all my contact information had been blocked by him, and his wife. Perhaps he heard a version of the story from his daughter, a version that was different from the truth and completely in her favor. Or perhaps he knew the truth but still chose to do this. This incident has had a significant impact on me, although I can't clearly quantify the percentage of negative impact. But it has at least made me less trusting of people. The person I once trusted the most abandoned me completely in the blink of an eye. I hate this experience.
By the way, on the night I sent messages to his daughter, I wanted to call the sexual assault perpetrator a 'bitch.' That bitch called my parents around 2 a.m., I don't know what she wanted to say. My parents had turned off their phones to sleep, so they weren't woken up. I find it hard to understand her behavior. My only way of understanding it is: she completely disregards other people's feelings for her own purposes. She doesn't care if elders are resting, as long as she can vent her emotions and shirk her responsibilities. Unfortunately, her parents might not have the good habit of turning off their phones to sleep, and they received her call that night. I don't know what they talked about. Why am I sure the bitch's parents answered the phone? Because she left our family group chat that night, and the next morning, her father invited her back again. This leaves a record. Without in-depth communication, no one would notice someone leaving a group chat and invite them back around 7 a.m. This is my reasoning, and I think it's quite reasonable.

This story is really long, I apologize for letting you read so much, but this is only half of it. This year, I told a few more people: three relatives, two close friends, and a new therapist. One of the friends and one of the relatives were understanding, including the therapist, but I think they didn't have relevant experience, so they were unable to help much. But their understanding was enough for me. The therapist kept saying I hadn't talked enough about the specific parts related to sex, but I'd run out of patience. I think I've said everything I needed to say, and she didn't give me any effective methods, only some encouragement and support. I didn't want to waste money there anymore. As mentioned before, I didn't study hard in college, so I don't have a stable job or income now. As for the remaining, one friend and one relative, after hearing about it, roughly said, 'This happened a long time ago, and doing anything about it now is meaningless. Just don't think about it.' It's easy for you to say, but I can't control my thoughts, and there were no further discussions. I can't stand this attitude. Are they feeling ashamed too? What's most unbearable is that the relative I thought I was closest to said I was misattributing blame and shouldn't have read Susan's book, that the content was misleading. That I was handling the problem in the wrong way, which is why the relationship between my family and my uncle's family is now completely broken. But how can this be blamed on me? I don't understand. (To clarify, he is a relative on my father's side, and the uncle is a relative on my mother's side. They have no relationship in terms of interests or face-saving.) After receiving this feedback, the original intimacy seems to have diminished, and I don't like them as much as before. Is this normal?
After telling the people I trusted most, I received this kind of feedback, and I feel even more lost. But I also realize more deeply that perhaps only I can truly stand by my own side. Although I don't know how to get rid of these negative feelings, I desperately want to find feasible solutions, so I wrote this long letter.

Regarding the last two paragraphs of your response, here's a brief reply: Regarding the submissive part, I also long to meet a partner who can appreciate this aspect of me. I have difficulty facing this part of myself and am still filled with shame. I considered meeting people on Fetlife or similar platforms, but on the other hand, I also know that relying on others to fill my life seems unreliable. I still need to build myself up first to enter a healthy relationship, right?

As for my specific needs, I can think of two aspects. One is to find people who can support me and genuinely help me. In my country, the qualifications of therapists are really uneven, and also cost a lot for me. But I think it should be much better in Western countries. Since my English isn't very good, it would be ideal if I could communicate through letters like this.
The second point is, by finding supporters or resources, I want to find a way to get rid of sexual shame so I can enter a healthy sexual relationship. At the same time, I also want to play a dominant role and allow my partner to experience orgasm through my body, which would bring me true satisfaction.

Thank you again for reading so much. I sincerely appreciate the people who respond and this wonderful platform!

Desmond

[Latha]

Hi Desmond,

I know that positive, affirming messages can seem questionable, especially if you’ve been hearing negative messages all your life from people who should have been on your side. For what it’s worth, our ‘agenda’ is to provide a safe environment for people to learn accurate information about relationships and sexuality, so they can live happier lives. To that end, I’m so glad that Sofi’s response, along with the other content on this site, has been helpful to you. Gaining support and affirmation from other people is a significant part of the process of learning to accept yourself. With time, you will start to internalize and believe these ideas.

It must have taken immense courage to reach out to people and tell them about what you’ve experienced. I’m sorry to hear that so many of them, including the therapist who really should have known better, have reacted in cruel and misinformed ways. Just because you and your cousin were children, that doesn’t mean what happened wasn’t serious. It hurt you then, and you are still feeling the effects now — that matters. ‘Stop thinking about it’ is not a viable solution to trauma like this. Even if you did stop thinking about it consciously, it would probably keep hurting you in other ways.

It makes sense that you feel lost through all this. It can be so disorienting when the people you trust tell you that your pain isn’t important and blame you for telling the truth — even more so when you lose significant relationships. That can easily lend itself to the belief that you have done something wrong, or that you are alone in the world. Let me assure you, you have not done anything wrong by telling people about what happened, nor are you at fault for any divisions in your family. The fault lines were already there — your family has just spent a long time ignoring them. Many people find it too uncomfortable to learn this kind of information, so they lash out against the person telling them.

After receiving this feedback, the original intimacy seems to have diminished, and I don't like them as much as before. Is this normal?

Yes, it is normal — they said some very hurtful and cruel things to you in your time of need. Not liking them as much is a very normal and good response.

While it is important for you to be on your own side in life, you are not the only person who can do that. I know so many of the people you trust have let you down, but don’t let that colour your opinion of relationships in general. It is possible for you to build relationships with people who will genuinely care for you and support you.

I considered meeting people on Fetlife or similar platforms, but on the other hand, I also know that relying on others to fill my life seems unreliable. I still need to build myself up first to enter a healthy relationship, right?

It is true that it isn’t a good idea to rely on our partners to fill our life, but that doesn’t have to be your goal. You could approach relationships as a positive addition to your life. Healing is an indefinite process. You don’t need to reach some stage of being completely healed or never having problems to be justified in looking for a partner. You just need to make sure you can enter any relationships with reasonable expectations, the ability to communicate your needs/be receptive to those of others. This isn’t to say that exploring relationships is definitely the step you should take right now — rather, I’m saying that it is something you can explore if you feel ready. Gaining new positive experiences can also be a good way to diminish shame.

I’m not sure about the availability of therapists who communicate through letters, though I can look into it. For our part, we are not equipped to help with psychological difficulties like depression and anxiety. We can talk to you about some of the things you have expressed wanting help with, like unlearning shame about sex and developing healthy relationships.

How does this sound so far?