discouraged from fully removing hair

[Lyle Lanley]

i'm sorry i only ever bring up my anxieties and problems that i have with my parents regarding my sexual autonomy, but this is my only safe space aside from my friends and where i can get advice from people who are experts in the field.

so i have always wanted to have my pubic area completely clear. just that my mum tells me not to, because she thinks pubic hair keeps infections at bay. for me, it has been the opposite.

i've kept a full bush for as long as i can remember, and there have been so many irritations and even cases where i've had something similar to candida, but not to the full extent. she says it's because of bad hygiene, but that's not really the case, at least in the present, where i shower or have a bidet every day.

when i went to get waxed for the first time last summer, she once again told me not to do a full removal (also because i was going to a gynecologist, in the end i didn't have time, and she said the gyno would not like to see me fully hairless). i listened to her.

but now, i'm 18. she can't control my body. i've listened to her so long that i forgot what i truly wanted.
how can i make her understand that in the end she cannot decide for me when it comes to my body?

[Anya]

Hey Lyle Lanley,

No need to apologize, we are here to help you!

I see that you have been struggling with communicating to your mom about your desire to remove your pubic hair. First I want to just say that you are the number one expert on your body and what feels good to you. As helpful as external input can be from people we care about, at the end of the day, and under the law since you're 18, you get to make your own choices about what happens to your body. You mentioned your hygiene and having had trouble with irritations in the past- Can I ask more about your routine? If you are using any soaps or anything besides just water to clean?

It seems like your mom might be coming from a good place, and wants to make sure you are safe and healthy, but that by no means entitles her to make intimate decisions about your body for you. It also does not give her the right to make assumptions about what your gynecologist prefers your genitals to look like (spoiler: gynos have no preference! All they want is also for you to be as safe and healthy as possible, besides that, it's absolutely none of their business).

I also wanted to ask about how important communicating with your mom about having hair or not is for you. If it feels like nothing you say will change her mind, honestly I don't know that it's necessary to continue the conversation. Again, as a legal adult, your body is entirely your own. If it feels important for you to make sure you're on the same page with her though, I would possibly suggest discussing an agreed upon trial period where you can experiment for a short duration to see if its something you want to keep doing, because after all, hair grows back. How do you feel about that?

[Lyle Lanley]

hi, thank you for the reply Anya.

about the irritations, i would get either pain in my vagina (the vaginal opening) with yellowish white discharge, or i would get rashes in my inner thighs and and the sides of the mons, basically where the sweat would pool at the sides of my panties.
also my washing routine is not just with water, i use liquid soap, either a specific one or my regular body wash if i'm in the shower.

i brought it up with my mum the other day, and she just said something along the lines of "it's your coochie and your money, just remember the doctor says it's contra-indicated to have no hair"

although until shortly earlier, i had a full bush and it was very messy and uncomfortable, even if i only trimmed it; maybe this could be solved by better hygiene, but in my experience having pubic hair made things worse, it retained moisture from sweat and irritated my skin.

i recently shaved with an epilator (using the shaver head) and this has been a great change, it feels more comfortable.

[KierC]

Hey there Lyle,

I have a few thoughts about the irritation you’re experiencing, but also want to ask, have you seen a doctor about the rashes or irritation?

So, when washing the vulva, it’s okay to use just water, or water with a mild, unscented soap. The mucosal or shiny parts of your vulva are self-cleaning (they have certain healthy flora/a microbiome for that purpose), and sometimes using a harsh or scented soap can disrupt the microbiome and cause some irritation. Something else that can cause irritation is the type of underwear you wear: non-cotton underwear can trap moisture and lead to some irritation.

It sounds like your mom is concerned for your health in wanting you to keep your pubic hair. I want to amplify something Anya said, which is that gynecologists truly have no preference for your pubic hair, and having no pubic hair is not bad for you. As Anya said, it really comes down to personal preference: whether or not it’s comfortable for you to have hair or not is all that matters. How do you feel about whether or not you’d like to continue talking to your mom about your pubic hair? Is that something you want to still do, or would you like to set a limit with her?

[Lyle Lanley]

hi kier c and thank you for your answer.

no, i never talked to any doctor about the irritations, but if they come back i might.

regarding what you said about washing, should i wash the zones like the labia minora and clit, or not? i didn't understand. i won't use scented soap anymore, though. thank you for telling me.

also i get irritated no matter what the underwear material is, even cotton underwear would retain moisture and sweat. but i wear cotton underwear most of the time.

and yeah, i only went to a gyno once, for an ultrasound of my uterus and ovaries, but i think they don't care if the vulva has hair or not, much like they don't care if their patient is tall, short, blond or brunette. right?

i don't know what doctor told my mum that thing about hair, but i've read on your site that the only health risk that removing pubic hair posits, is having sex right after, because there's microscopic wounds still open.

also no, i don't want to talk to her about it anymore, now that i know she doesn't care, and acknowledged she does not have control of my body

[Latha]

Hi there, Lyle.

Talking to a doctor if the irritation comes back sounds like a good plan. Same for not talking to your mother.

And that's right, gynaecologists really don't care — it is just like any other trait. (If you see someone who does care, remember that they are wrong.) For washing, you can wash the clit and the labia minora with warm water or an unscented soap — just avoid the vagina, which is self-cleaning.