Scarleteen

So my partner and I have now been living in the same city for around six months now but lately we’ve been fighting ever day. My partner has ADHD and so doing anything with her is like pulling teeth. Just for reference, it takes her 1 hour to brush her short hair (and I’m not exaggerating). I’m autistic so I sometimes have trouble communicating to her properly. And this dynamic leads to many fights. I do A LOT of work. I cook, clean, work a job, run a non-profit, exercise, etc. etc. I ask my partner for help, but her help always comes too late as she takes hours every day to get ready and do anything. And since she’s in school and has no job, she doesn’t feel any sense of urgency to do things. Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’ve been doing pretty much everything in the relationship. And when I ask her for help, she just takes her sweet time to help me and then gets upset when I get upset that she isn’t helping enough. I feel like the relationship is one sided when it comes to work. I have a huge list of things to do that I need help doing and she has a small list she does and only helps sometimes when she can. I need a partner who is reliable, consistent, and can help when I need it. And when I try telling her that, she says she can’t change her ADHD and that’s just how she is. Can this relationship work? Do I just have to accept that she won’t be able to help me cause of her ADHD? Do I have to accept that I have to be the partner who does everything? Is that even fair?

Hey there MountainMix,

I’m sorry to hear you’ve been experiencing some one-sidedness in your relationship. It sounds like you have a clear idea of what kind of partner you need, who is a bit more consistent and can help when you need. I hear you that you’ve asked her to help you more, too, and I’m sorry to hear that’s how she responded. While it’s true that she can’t change the fact that she has ADHD, I don’t think it’s an unreasonable request to ask for a little more help with tasks that impact both of you. To understand a bit better, what tasks are you asking for her help with?

Nobody can answer for you if this relationship will work but you and your partner; that depends on whether or not you want to be with this person, as well as if and how you can navigate sharing the work of the relationship. But, no, it’s not fair to be the partner who does everything in the relationship, especially when it’s making you feel this way. It also sounds like a conversation might be worth trying if you’re open to it. I know you’ve asked her before to help out more, but have you spoken to her a bit about how this dynamic has been making you feel more generally?