Scarleteen

I’m 16 afab and don’t feel any pleasure touching myself until i actually achieve an orgasm. I have a girlfriend who is sensitive to touch and often feels pleasure whenever she’s touched or rubs against anything. I’m anxious that something might just be wrong with me. I feel no pleasure upon insertion at all and playing with my clit I feel nothing up until I actually orgasm. I’m scared during actual sex I might ruin the mood with my girlfriend because of this but I’m not sure what’s wrong. I touch myself on the daily just to chase that pleasure from an actual orgasm but what’s wrong with the me? Why don’t I feel any pleasure just touching myself or being touched?

Hi W0nd3rWh0, welcome to the boards!

I can see how this difference you're noticing between your experience and your girlfriend's could lend itself to feelings of anxiety. Don't worry, it is very likely that you will be able to experience more pleasure in the future. Many people experience difficulties with feeling pleasure at some point in their life. While there is no one solution that works for everyone, we can offer some suggestions that might help.

Before I say anything else, I want to establish that I wouldn't think of this as something wrong with you or your body. Rather, it can just be a neutral fact about the way your body works right now. It is okay to want more pleasure, but try to think of our suggestions as adjustments you can explore, rather than solutions that will fix something wrong with you. A great deal of sexual pleasure is about what happens in the mind, so taking a less judgmental approach is usually helpful in these situations.

In these situations, it often helps to start by identifying what already feels good. You may have heard of erogenous zones — the genitals are not the only part of the body that can provide sexual pleasure. What is your experience with pleasure in other parts of your body? One thing you can try is to masturbate without orgasm as a goal. Instead, spend some time experimenting with different kinds of stimulation and noting anything that feels good.

Regarding erogenous zones the only place on my body that somewhat gets sensitive is my neck but that’s rarely and only when another person such as my girlfriend touches it. Other than that everywhere else doesn’t feel to have any pleasurable feeling during touch it just feels the same as if I were touching my face or legs.

Just to clarify, do you feel/experience physical sensations of arousal? Or is your sexual experience mainly centered on mental stimulation that leads to orgasm?

Regardless, I think it's important for you to talk this through with your girlfriend; especially as you mention being worried that this may 'ruin the mood' during sexual activities. Communication is key and I think explaining how you feel to your girlfriend will lead to both of you being happier with your sex lives, if and when that becomes reality. I recommend checking out this article for more tips and advice centered on communicating about sex with a partner!

I do have a sex drive and feel arousal mentally and physically it’s just acting upon said arousal where there is no pleasurable stimulation or feeling at all, it’s just like touching any other body part.

Can I ask if anything feels different when you are really, really, really turned on (if this is within your experience) versus, say, what you'd say are more average levels of being turned on?

I do want to add that the term "sex drive" is actually outdated, because we now know that there isn't actually such a thing, an internal "drive" for sex. The more common terminologies are words like "sexual desire" or libido or even plain old curiosity, which better reflect what we understand now about sex and the fact that not everyone desires sex or, even for those who do, not everyone experiences spontaneous desire (as opposed to responsive desire). Just an FYI that might help you as you think about this!

The main difference I can think of is the amount of natural lubricant produced. With normal turn ons it’s there just not as much yet I’ll still act on the feeling yet feel nothing till the actual orgasm. When really turned on the amount produced becomes a lot more but both provide the pulse like or almost throbbing sensation.

So, how much someone self-lubricates can but also can't be an indicator of much, because that has as much to do with, say, where someone is at in their menstrual cycle or how hydrated someone is as it does with arousal. But this is still helpful information, because in your case, both that you are experiencing orgasm and you are self-lubricating tells me that your body is experiencing pleasure and responding to it in at least some ways. This inclines me to think that this might be more about your headspace than your body.

That given, can you talk a little about if you experience pleasure in other areas of your life? For instance, do other things with your partner bring you pleasure, like cuddling or talking or doing things together? How about things like favorite meals, or music, or taking part in a sport or other physical movement, watching sunrises or sunsets, etc? Do you feel like you experience pleasure with other things, and sex is the outlier, or are you feeling like you aren't feeling it in general?

I do feel pleasure with other things or events that make me smile or happy. Regarding masterbation it’s just the lack of the pleasurable feeling when touching myself period. Like my girlfriend can masterbate and touched her clitoris or inserting her fingers into herself send waves of pleasurable sensation to her this what causes her to moan and have a good time while masterbating but with me I don’t feel that type of pleasurable sensation that most people would upon masterbation even though I very much would like to.

I honestly wouldn't say most, just so you know. Quite a lot of people struggle when it comes to learning how to fully feel and enjoy their bodies with sex, hardly a shocker in such a sex-negative and sex-pressureful culture! This so isn't a problem only you are having. <3

I have a few ideas, but one more thing before I toss them at you: is *physical* pleasure, period, something where this is happening, whether or not it is sexual or genital? In other words, does a massage feel pleasureable? A hot bath or shower? Someone you are super into kissing you? A really good stretch when your body felt tight before? Sinking into a great bed?

Physical pleasure in the sense it just makes me feel happy or relieved in that sense, then yes I do feel that still. Just not the physical pleasures of touching oneself where it actively feels good and not just as thought to be touching another random part of my body.

How about physical pleasure in that it just feels good to your body -- like say, if you eat something you love, you feel that "yum" in your mouth and your senses -- on top of making you feel happy?

I mean the closest thing I can think of to something along the lines of that is a warm shower after being stressed for a long period of time. Food though I don’t really feel any special sensation other than it tastes good.

Okay, thanks.

So, it sounds to me like this isn't just sexual, but more about having trouble connecting to your physical body and feelings physical pleasure throughout your body, not just your genitals. If you've had any trauma in your life, or you've grown up soaking in attitudes or ideas that villify your body -- things like fatphobia, for instance, or the idea sexual feelings or pleasure are shameful or sinful -- this is fairly common, but it can also be something people struggle with for other reasons.

My best advice is to first make sure that this isn't a mental health issue: physical anhedonia, like general anhedonia (that just means trouble accessing pleasure) can often be related to things like depression. So, unless you feel pretty certain your mental health is just fine and is serving you well, I would check in with a therapist or psychiatrist.

I would also suggest starting some practices to explore and try to learn to experience physical pleasure, both alone and with your partner, ultimately focusing on your whole body, not just your genitals, and on pleasure as a whole, not only sexual pleasure.

With a partner, that can look like exploring your senses more together, and the whole of your body more together. That can look like a partner giving you slow, whole body massages, or you two focusing on touching each other part by part, experimenting with different ways of touching (soft, hard, with hands, with other objects, exploring heat or cold), and talking out loud about the sensations you experience. If you flip things and do the same with your partner, sometimes seeing, feeling and listening to someone else when it comes to this can be really informative.

With yourself, I'd suggest trying to find some kind of regular physical practice or activity, a kind that really encourages you to slow down and feel your body -- yoga, dance, t'ai chi are some good examples -- and really leaning into it, thinking of it as a vehicle to try and learn what feels good and what doesn't, and, within what feels good, to try and start to recognize that even if and when those feelings are more subtle than you expect. Sometimes, when people say they aren't feeling much with sex, it's a combination of expecting what that feels like to feel really different or not realizing that a lot of feeling physical pleasure actually has to do with paying attention more than our body kind of hitting us over the head with it, if you get what I mean.

You might also want to look into somatic practices focused on pleasure. This page has some good examples of the kinds of things that can entail: https://candicewu.com/attuning-to-pleasure/

One more thing. It's so easy, in the world we live in, or when someone has a partner who is very responsive compared to them, to get your head in a place where you think of yourself or your body as broken, or malfunctioning. When that happens, that headspace all by itself can be a big barrier to pleasure. If that sounds like a way you have been thinking at all, see what you can do to shift that thinking to this: pleasure, like orgasm, is often something we learn to access or do, again, especially in this world. This isn't about being broken, it's about needing to learn something, about a need to more fully explore something so you can better access it.

How does all of that sound?

I don’t have any past traumas that would affect this at all. Would something as simple as yoga really actually help my situation though? I understand how impatient I might sound but all I want is to be able to feel what sensations one is supposed to feel whist masterbating. The pleasure that makes it hard to keep quiet till one finally reaches orgasm not just the pleasure of orgasm after prolonged touching with none of the building pleasure. My girlfriend and I have future plans for sex but I don’t want her to be the only one actually able to feel the pleasure I want, as bad as it sounds it almost makes me jealous or envy how she’s able to respond to touch meanwhile I feel I cannot period.

I wouldn't call an ongoing yoga practice simple, myself (mind you, I have had a practice since the early 1980s). Learning to do things like pay attention to your breathing and your body, how to feel your body in different poses, and how to just be in it is not usually simple, and tends to take a lot of focus and practice. But for sure, if someone just went through the motions of poses or something, then yeah, no, this wouldn't likely help with something like this. It's the how of something like this that could help much more than the what, if you follow me.

I get that you feel frustrated and want this to be different ASAP, and I also get that you are feeling jealousy for your idea of what this feels like for other folks. At the same time, please know that some of this might be you misunderstanding how it is feeling for other people. For example, making sounds with physical activity often isn't so much as that the sound builds up because someone is feeling so good and that it then has to come out. Rather, it's often more people simply making sounds as they are being touched, and the addition of sound amplifies the feelings as much as the other way around. Making sounds with touch is another somatic practice commonly suggested for people to help them access pleasure, as a matter of fact.

Another thing I will say is that if you feel pressure or are putting any on yourself -- like if you have future plans for kinds of sex that currently don't feel good to you, or that you don't think will yet -- that is a barrier to pleasure. To access pleasure, we often have to let ourselves be where we are instead of making it some kind of goal. Goal-oriented anything is often a real enemy of pleasure. So, for example, with these future plans, I'd stop making or talking about them. Instead, I would be where you are now and stick with exploring from there. Again, I would also look into a mental health assessment if you think there is any possibility that depression or other things like it are part of your picture.

One last thing: I want to remind you that you're only 16. It sounds like your GF might be a bit ahead of the game when it comes to all this. I was like that when I was younger, too. But I'd say that it's more common for people around your age to be more in the spot you're in, where they are still at the very start of discovering what feels good and learning how to access sexual pleasure. I promise that you aren't behind, and I also assure you that exploring with an open mind, while it may not work miracles instantly, will tend to go a long way sooner than you might expect, especially if you can do your best to let go of the frustration and envy.

I understand it’ll take time if I do start yoga or other things but what else is there. Aside from yoga that is. And I guess I feel impatient not only because of knowing how my girlfriend experiences it but also fellow peers. I attend an all afab school and it’s common to hear others experience with sex or masterbation. I’ve been trying to figure it out since I was 13 but I still only feel pleasure at orgasm nothing leading up to it even if I try making sounds it just feels weird. I know how the pleasure feels at orgasm where it causes my breathing to pick up, make noise, and move around and I guess that doesn’t help my envy when I know people feel that the whole process leading up to that. And I know wanting it ASAP doesn’t necessarily help but I can’t help but just want it already. To be able to feel that or feel good just by touching myself.

I get it, it can be very hard not to compare yourself to others, but I would implore you to try really hard not to. It just isn't going to help. Same goes with wanting this to be different right now. I get it, but feeling pleasure and frustration at the same time is really, really difficult. The comparison, the pressure, the frustration are all going to be things you need to work to let go of if you want this to change. Heck, it may turn out in the end those were some of the biggest barriers!

So, I have asked about this a few times without an answer, and am going to try once more: have you ever been evaluated for depression or other mental illness?

I hear you: making sounds often does feel weird at first, but it is one of those things where you just do it, letting it feel weird until it doesn't. That's the experience a lot of people will have with this like so much else: when it is new and unfamililar, it feels weird. But the more you do it, the less weird it feels (or, sometimes it still feels weird, but it's also okay).

In terms of other ways you can explore your body as a sensory practice, by no means is a physical yoga practice the only way to explore feeling your body. Like I said earlier, something like dance or other rhythmic movement is another, Pilates is another practice that's physical but also asks you to tune into and enjoy your body sensations a lot. More passively, getting massages, if that's within your reach, is another route to this. So is doing body scans (here's one explanation of how to do that: https://www.headspace.com/meditation/body-scan). Ultimately, it's just about finding things to do where you can be as fully in your body as possible, paying a lot of focused attention on it and how it feels.

Please also do yourself a favor and try and stop generalizing that everyone else is X way, and you are different. For one, the people you are likely not hearing talk about masturbation or sex with partners are probably the people more like you. You are not the only one struggling with this even though I get it can feel that way, especially if your peer group is full of folks having a very different experience. <3

One last thing! Masturbation -- and the kind that isn't only focused on a goal or on genitals only -- is another physical practice to learn to access this kind of pleasure, and it's the one that tends to work best for the most people. In fact, when people enjoy sex with partners a great deal, chances are usually awfully good that has a lot to do with them having taken a lot of time to explore their own bodies on their own, and as a regular practice, first.

I do have a severe social anxiety disorder that keeps me from speaking in uncomfortable settings but I have no history with depression. And is there any way I would know if said yoga or whatever activity I choose is actually being affective? I doubt masterbating every often to see if there is a change would not help or be an effective way to feel this change. And I know as impatient as it sounds asking for how long it would take to notice any change is probably hard to answer I assume.
Speaking of masterbation not focused on genitalia how would that work if I don’t feel pleasure elsewhere on my body either. Like playing with my neck or nipples has no sensation to me either.

I wish there was an answer we could give you that would solve everything immediately, but unfortunately, nobody has that answer. It's important to recognize that this is YOUR body; holding it to the standards of other bodies or the ideal of masturbation from media or how people talk about it won't be something that leads to feeling satisfied with how your body operates.

We also can't give you a timeline or an estimate because we don't live in your body! We CAN say that if you engage with your body, get to know it and yourself, and practice you can feel more connected to it and your own pleasure. Think of it as gathering a baseline for comparison. It's also possible that you've convinced yourself so thoroughly that nothing will change that it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Anxiety can absolutely have an impact on how you experience pleasure; it is also true that up to 60% of those with anxiety can experience symptoms of depression, which may also have an impact on your body. Do you have a therapist or mental health professional that you can speak to about the potential relationship between your anxiety and your pleasure?

No I do not have a therapist or to help me with my anxiety period. My parents feel as though I do not need one as I have nothing to worry about or be anxious about let alone would they let me see one to speak on pleasure.

It may be beneficial for you to look into online therapy services such as BetterHelp or peer-counseling (such as support groups) that you can access solo/without parental permission. Additionally, you mention being enrolled at an all AFAB school; does this school have a counselor you could speak to? I believe that your problems with sensation and pleasure may be more of a mental/emotional block compared to a physical problem. At the very least, it's something that's worth exploring!

I’ve heard some not so great things about better help that have cause me to be hesitant to try. I do have a counselor at my school who I have spoken with on few outside stress causing situations as they occur

That's fair, the most important part is doing something you're comfortable with. If that's not BetterHelp, there are plenty of other resources you can check out too! This article may help you with distinguishing proper support spaces. There may even be some in-person groups in your area specifically.