I've never been in a romantic relationship past a couple of bad dates before, so as much as I appreciate his attention and love that he views me that way, it's a bit of a shock to the system that someone is actually paying attention to me and how I look as a thing in itself and not as part of a larger picture or setting. It's really changing the way I view myself. I've never put a lot of stock in how I look, since it's never been something that people around me (or people I've seen as worthwhile keeping around) have focused on-- generally I'm known for my intelligence/hard work, and I've definitely never been one of the 'cool/pretty girls'. I also don't place a huge amount of importance on physical attraction to a partner and find that intellectual compatibility and emotional connection are just as, if not more important. There are very few guys I can think of, even celebrities, who elicit an immediate reaction of 'he's so hot, I want to bang him' from appearances alone (I generally fall for characters not actors).
This new type of relationship is really throwing me off mentally. I wouldn't say it's necessarily causing conflict, but it's just so foreign and unexpected to me that I don't know where I stand.
We've been out on, I think, five dates, which have gone really well. He kissed me on our second date which I was super nervous about (not in not-wanting-it way, just in an anticipatory way). He said later he could see in my eyes I was panicking. I don't have an outward panic mode, and very rarely have any real panic feelings, but social interactions particularly of the intimate sort do fall into that category. On our next date we hung out at his place and kissed a lot with some stroking. He initiated making new moves which I was ok with because I don't have any experience and would prefer to be guided by him to the point that I'm happy to reach. I did step back a couple of times and assert that I wasn't comfortable to do particular things which he seemed ok with but he then tried to do the same thing a bit later. He said he just 'got lost in the moment' which I can understand but it was a tiny bit annoying when I thought back on it. Overall, he seems happy to move at a pace that I'm happy with but I do get the idea he wants to skip stations so to speak to get to more exciting stuff than what we've done. My point of view, which I've explained to him, is that I want to take time to get to know each different aspect of intimacy and not rush through to get to oral and intercourse. Because I have no experience, I want to value each new thing as it comes up.
Last time we went out which was a couple of weeks ago (he's been on holiday and we've both been busy with work since, ugh), we ended up parked in his estate before I took him home. We were kissing and I made the comment that I wanted to make sure we communicate plenty as far as what we're doing at the moment and where we want to go from there. I also asked him what his sexual experience has been since I've been open about my lack of, and I curious to know his half of the puzzle as long as he was willing to share. He tells me he's done pretty much everything bar intercourse/anal sex and the only reason he's never had intercourse is because he's been 'unlucky'. Immediately after that he moves to initiate me giving him oral sex. I was a little bit baffled at first because a) we were in my car with the console between us which made for kind of awkward positioning, and b) because I felt like we'd skipped over the whole range of manual activities and taken a bit of a leap. I feel like it's important for me to point out here that I don't feel like I'm necessarily emotionally/mentally not ready or unhappy to partake in oral sex, etc.; I just feel like there are skills I should know going into that arena that I don't necessarily have yet. But by all means, if he's happy to go there without me having any idea of what to do, good for him. At this point he gets his penis out and I point out that I would really like him to tell me what he likes/wants because I have no idea. He guides my hand to the appropriate position and says 'then you basically go down on me' (which was totally not adequate instruction haha). I interrupt his little mental path to bliss by explaining that I need him to wear a condom. Luckily, he obliges immediately with minimal comments to the contrary (score!). We end up being interrupted before anything happens by the security for his estate driving around.
After we arrive at the conclusion that nothing sexy was going to happen in that car, he launches to an expansion of his 'too unlucky to have sex' story, involving many occasions where girls have wanted him to come over but he couldn't due to not having a car/license, and how one time he was about to and the condom she had "wouldn't fit" so they didn't do anything. On one hand I was glad to hear he didn't push for condomless sex, but on the other hand I couldn't help being a little bit baffled as far as just how big his penis had to be to not fit (at all, from what he made out, not just being uncomfortable) in a standard condom. I've felt his erect penis by this point, but not really had a good look at it, due to being busy kissing the first time, and it being dark this time. Obviously it's also a bit hard to judge because I have nothing to compare it to. He then continues to explain how now he has these special condoms he orders online because they're the only ones that fit him, and then gets a bit disappointed when he realises he's wasted one of his precious mail-order condoms on our interrupted attempt. He does kind of make this into a big deal. We laugh it off and plan to find some time/space to be alone in something a bit bigger than my car so we can make another go at it. To be honest, although I felt ok with the way we were moving at the time, I'm kind of glad that security guy happened to be cruising. Thinking back on the situation I really don't think it was the ideal time/place to be getting that intimate, especially since I'm not totally comfortable with intimacy as a whole yet anyway.
So there are a few offshoots from that point:
A) Since then I have had a bit of a read of the penis size article on here and done some research into the actual sizes of condoms we can buy in store. I'm wondering if he is genuinely that big, whether he was under the impression it was supposed to fit looser than it did, or whether he just likes to brag about how well endowed he is.
B) Me and intimacy. I am super duper looking forward to getting through the other side of this new relationship/nervousness/learning new things tunnel. I've never been a very open person, nor have I been one for lots of physical contact. I hate getting unexpected hugs, and used to get really irritated when people would casually touch me (even just rubbing shoulders sitting in cinema seats, etc.). I'm getting better at dealing with that sort of thing, but my skin is super sensitive to touch so it's not an easy process. Even now there are very few people I'll let touch me beyond brief hugs/handshakes. Letting my boyfriend hold hands with me is a big step. He seems to really enjoy this casual intimacy so I'm trying really hard to get more used to physical contact. It's been quite a learning curve kissing more and letting him touch me in a sexual way (both because of this point and my earlier one about getting used to his attention being on my body). I find although I'm happy for him to do what he wants within my limits, I'm finding it harder to work out what I'm supposed to do with my hands!
C) I have a tendency to over think things, and I hate change. I go into our dates with massive nerves and sometimes feeling a little ill at the thought of doing new things. I absolutely cannot think of a reason for that stemming from him, although I'd be interested to know if anything in my massive essay jumps out at you guys. I'm fairly certain it just because I've become so comfortable in a certain situation and point of view (not having a boyfriend/physically close relationship), so each step we take further into that is more newness for me. Once I'm there I really enjoy his company, and generally very much enjoy being physical. He;s good at listening to what I want and helping me move into new areas of closeness. On my way home and later that day I'm pretty happy with how things went, but beyond that I seem to latch onto minor details and start to over think things. Little things stick out to me as potentially stress-inducing, so I go through the nervousness leading up to our next date and repeat the cycle. I feel, and hope, that this whole thing will subside as I get more used to the whole relationship deal but in the mean time it's kind of exhausting and has led to me rescheduling/almost rescheduling because I just didn't feel up to dealing with new things that day.
I've explained to him on one occasion that I get a bit scared going into new situations, and also that I'm super introverted and some days I just can't deal with other people. This was especially problematic for a while because I was dealing with a pretty nasty work situation which left me feeling I had no energy to interact with him even though I really wanted to. Now, although he doesn't pressure me about it, he's got the opinion that if I cancel/am nervous it's because I'm afraid. I hope he really understands how my mind works in this way and isn't just humouring me. He has seemed quite hurt on the couple of occasions I have rescheduled, which I understand completely. I'm often just as annoyed not to be seeing him, but I truly think I need to take care of my mental wellbeing and not overload myself if I'm already dealing with other stuff. I keep thinking that's a selfish view to take, but I don't want to let other things have a negative influence on our relationship, and the best way for me to do that is to not see him when I know I'm not in the right headspace to be in the moment and enjoy myself.
Hopefully I'll be seeing him again soon since he's back from holiday and my work situation has calmed down a bit. I have a lot going on in my head about the whole thing, but I'm going to leave it there for today since I genuinely don't know exactly what's in my head let alone how to explain it. I would really like some feedback on dealing with my hesitations with intimacy, negotiating what we do without having a solid reason for wanting a certain progression, and whether there are any other pointers you can give. If you think I'm just thinking too much and you can't see any problems, please say so, I need the reassurance!
Thanks guys
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