Disoriented

[FairyEve]

Hi,

Before New Years, my relationship ended. It was honestly difficult I refused to cry or say much of anything. We live together and stayed in the same bedroom. So, that day we moved my things into the empty bedroom in the apartment. It was hard, it felt so out of place. It took me two weeks to finally just unpack my things (my things still aren't unpacked). Over the New Year I spent 3 night at my cousins and we talked. I returned back New Years day. After a roller coaster of emotional distress and upset I felt more emotionally ready.

I returned and he talked to me, so we sat down together and he talked to me. The things he had said to me he had regretted, he regretted breaking up with me, that he doesn't feel the same without me. He admitted he needs to see someone about his anger and his drinking. (we had a disagreement he had punched a hole in the wall/the drinking I never saw it was before he and I dated but when he is drunk he is angrier.) I told him that we both need to work on ourselves and we need a break. That night, I slept with him and it didn't feel the same. My emotions were shot in a million pieces, I simply felt nothing, no pleasure.

So, we got back together. I remained in that separate bedroom because I couldn't be in the same bed as he was. I was hurt more than enough and sleeping in the same bed after everything had happened, would hurt even more. So, I saved myself from hurt and refused to sleep in the same bed as he did. I don't even have a bed to sleep on, I simply sleep on the floor. But, it could be worse.

Things happened we worked through it together. 3 weeks ago he told me we shouldn't have dated in the first place, it sounded like our relationship the time we spent together, that year, didn't mean anything; this it was simply a mistake. It hurt me, it made me feel extremely raw inside. He explained that we simply have different views on the world.

I know what broke us apart and it's unfortunate. Part was my fault, but the bigger side was his. I tried he never understood me, he always thought I was controlling him. I never controlled him, he had too many addictions and his anger and he could never handle his own emotions (anxiety for one) he refused to see his doctor till something horrible happened to him where I needed to call an ambulance. But that is another story.

This is the part that I am having most difficulty with. We live together, not a huge deal. We're on the lease and I do not have the funds to leave. He wont leave and he makes more than I do. Since, we're staying here, living together I had set boundaries and I feel I need to set more out.

1) I had bought some shelves and I want him to know they are mine and for him to remove his things from it.
2) I had bought this flat screen TV from a pawn shop (I've never owned a TV before) and he had paid half of it back to me, and I want the TV and I am unsure how to bring that up. I don't have furniture he has the furniture so it would make sense for me to have those things I paid for even he split on it for me (which I was going to pay that half back to him, so it's fair.)
3) We have a pantry and the shelf in there is mine, with a storage container, I want to ask him to get himself a shelf to use.

I am unsure if I am being unreasonable or to demanding, am I? I'm not even sure how to handle this. How do people deal with that?

I made a chore calendar and it seems to be going well. I had him pick the days he wants to do certain chores, spreading it out evenly during the week.

I just feel disoriented in this. I still have raw feelings about everything and how it happened I have anger inside of me that wasn't there before.

Thank you.

[Heather]

It's not unreasonable to ask for your own stuff and your own spaces, no. We get to do that with anyone we live or share things with.

So, you just ask to sit down and sort out some break-up practical odds and ends, is all, saying it's mostly about stuff and just making living in the same space, if that's what you both want to do, manageable. Then you put what you want out there, like the shelves you want back and for yourself, what he owes you on the TV in a reasonable period of time, and that you want some better separated space in some places, like the pantry.

Really, staying living with someone after a breakup sometimes goes well, but more often, it is hard as hell, especially if the relationship was bad news or the breakup was super-rough. I'd also say that it's something you usually want to plan to change as soon as you can, figuring it probably needs to be as temporary as possible.

It's not like it hasn't happened a million times where couples living together needed to get a lease adjusted to take one of them off of it or make similar arrangements with a landlord, or where someone hasn't moved out and needed to live with roommates or with a friend while they got back on their financial feet. Honestly, I'd say far more times than not, however un-ideal those scenarios may seem to someone, they are usually a lot better than living with someone where you already had a bad relationship and where there was just a breakup. Just my two cents on that for your consideration.

(FYI, I have been in the situation where you're in a shared place, and the other person won't leave, so you have to, even though you may like the place and it can be a financial hurricane. It sucks, to be sure, but again, I'd say that unless you are literally risking having to live in a shelter or on the street, it's usually better to just suck it up and deal with that than to try and stay somewhere with someone both after a break up, and who got violent during your relationship, nonetheless.)

[FairyEve]

Hello Heather,

We had discussed on what is and isn't our things. He has moved his things off the shelves and knows what is and isn't mine. Went really well actually.

I wanted to ask something because I am unsure what to do with it. Last night I basically went off the deep end with him. I went to bed at 11:30pm and I was very tired. I could hear his music playing. We agreement that 10:30pm music and small appliances shouldn't be used only the dishwasher. Anyways, he broke the agreement and had his music blasting after 11:30pm. I was watching Netflix in the living room beforehand. I sent him a text telling him to turn his music off and that he disrespected me and our agreement. I unplugged the router and took the power cord. I'd given it back but I completely lost my emotions on him. I just laid out all my anger, sadness, and frustration about everything to him about our relationship.

As I am mid-sentence (yelling because I was truly upset) he walked up to me and put his arms around me. I tried to push him off me. He hugged me tightly so I couldn't really move. I asked, "please let go of me." He didn't. He talked. All this bullshit of a person I am, like how perfect I am, wonderful, pretty, etc., so on. I then asked again, "let go of me." again he wouldn't. At that point I was trying to put pressure on his hands/arms to get away. Eventually, he let go. I then dropped the power cord and went straight into my room and fell to my knees, crying and screaming silently.

I sent him a text message telling him to not touch me again. I was just pissed, beyond pissed.

I am in-between of calling the police for assault and letting it go? His parents have loads of money and whereas for me, I have nothing. I don't know what to do?

[Jacob]

Hey FairyEve,

I think the question here is just of what's best for you. I'd say that if someone grabs you that it can be considered a form of assault, but a difficult to prosecute one, so calling the police may make work for you, without a great deal to show for it. On the other hand I wouldn't 'let it go', but rather use it as a really strong example for yourself for how bad it sounds like it is living with him.

What is your getting-out plan? Do you have any friends or anyone you can stay with to get your head clear and to help you find somewhere new to live even temporarily? It doesn't sound like you have much of a timeline... have you just thought you needed to stay til the end of the lease?

[Heather]

This all sounds utterly wretched, and I am so sorry you're in the midst of it.

Realistically speaking, this is one of those things that you certainly could report, but chances are, it will not even get filed. So, that is something I would think about per reporting: if it would still feel like the right thing for you if the police basically dismissed it out of hand. What they are most likely to tell you, alas, is just to move and stay away from each other.

And it does seem to me making that plan to move is your best way to go here. Would you like some help considering your options there and making that plan? If so, I would be glad to help.

[FairyEve]

Hi,

I had told a friend that I've been keeping her in the loop of things. She recommended that I need to explain to him not to touch me again and if something were to happen again that I should report him. Which I did. I told him, in a text message. I was just an angry person that night. She asked if I wanted to crash at her place on her couch. I declined her offer. I haven't been well, having sever respiratory issues (getting it checked out) so I stayed home.

Today, I applied for a line of credit in hopes something positive will happen, that way I can get training for what I want to do. If it goes threw, I will either find away to kick him out (with the hole he punched into the wall and that uncalled and unwanted hug the other night). I already need to think of something to say to my property manager about rent payment, because sadly it isn't going to happen.

I have no proof to prove to anyone on the hug other than text messages. That was a complete and utter mess. Saving those messages as proof, but that is little proof to prove.

Right now, I try to do my best with what I have.

[Heather]

Perhaps you can ask that friend if you can crash with them for a while, period?