Can't orgasm?

[Marly]

Hey, I have been having sex with my boyfriend for 6 months now. I feel like I can't orgasm, we tried with the fingers and it feels good but after a while it does not and I know it's not because I've orgasm or anything. I have lots of contraction during it and lots of liquid comes out but after a while It stops feeling good. We tried the clit but it's too intense so we don't do that and I've never masturbated. Can someone help me solve that problem it's frustrating me so much these days.

[KierC]

Hi Marly, and welcome to the boards

I’m sorry to hear you’ve been having trouble orgasming with your boyfriend and that it’s been a source of such frustration. I have a couple clarifying questions first if that’s okay with you. When you say it stops feeling good after a while, are you continuing to use lubrication throughout the activity, and does it hurt when it stops feeling good?

Another thing I want to mention is that, for pre-orgasmic folks, the best way to learn how to orgasm and what feels good for you is to masturbate and explore those feelings on your own first. Is that something you would want to try? We have an article explaining why it’s helpful to masturbate and explore on your own when orgasming for the first time, How To Have Your First Orgasm: A Primer for Cisgender Women. Do any of the ideas in that article sound like things you might want to try?

[Marly]

Hi, it does not hurt just feels uncomfortable and i don't use lubricant because I'm usually extremely wet naturally. I know i should masturbate but i have a conflict with that i feel so bad whenever i do it and it doesn't feel as good as when my boyfriend does it.

[KierC]

Thank you for providing those details! So, when something starts feeling uncomfortable during sex, it’s a good idea to take a break from doing that thing. Pushing through uncomfortable feelings is not going to produce an orgasm, but taking a break and coming back to it might allow your body to relax and feel more pleasure again. How would you feel about, when it becomes uncomfortable, taking a brief break to breathe, hydrate, cuddle, or explore other erogenous zones?

I also hear you that you usually don’t experience dryness, but it might be something to consider if you’re experiencing discomfort or having longer sessions where the body may not lubricate as much after awhile even if you’re aroused. Folks use lubricant even when they can lubricate naturally, too, because it makes things a bit more comfortable.

On masturbation: For what it’s worth, I don’t think you absolutely need to masturbate if you don’t want to. It’s certainly one of those helpful things to explore when you’re also having partnered sex, as it helps you learn what feels good for you and what your boundaries are, so you can communicate it with a partner easier during sex. It can also give you some space to experiment without feeling like someone else is there; but all that is said with the caveat that if you’d don’t feel comfortable, you don’t have to. If you’d like to talk about why you have a conflict with masturbation, though, we’re here for you and open to discussing that with you too, but if you just don’t want to, that’s ok!

Also forgot to ask earlier: when you say you have contractions and liquid, but that you know it isn’t an orgasm, could you say a little more about what you mean by that?