Nervous about sex.

[luminorie]

hi! I’m a 15 turning 16 y/o girl. I’ve recently been seeing a guy that is 1.5 years older than me. He’s a lot more experienced in the sexual department and I’m not.
I haven’t ever had an organism, or even used my fingers inside before. I’ve rubbed down there but it’s not the same as what he wants to do.
I’ve told him that I’m not strong in that department and he’s been understanding but he also wants to get me out of my comfort zone. Mind you, also I have never even kissed anyone.
I’ve dated before in the past but I’ve never done anything with them, I have this kind weird feeling where I want to be touched but when it actually comes, I chicken out or I feel ill. I don’t want that happening with this guy because I do really like him, and I want to try satisfy him as well, so well he doesn’t get annoyed or bored.

He has been wanting to start with neck kissing, actually kissing and groping. Then he’s hoping that we can actually have sex. He told me that I should try to finger myself so it’s easier in the future, which yes I did try but I couldn’t even get 2 fingers in, I got on in and it was really tight and I couldn’t even move it, which ended it being a bit painful as well..

I don’t really know what to call this topic but I just really need some advice on this stuff. I have no family or friends I can talk about this stuff with and I hardly even know everything about this stuff. Please let me know if you can give me advice on, well what he has been saying and just fingering.

[Heather]

Hey there, luminorie.

You know, there are a lot of things that I think make someone an actually-good -- and even just basically safe-for-us -- sexual partner. One big one is that they are always glad and willing to only do things at a pace that's right for a partner whose pace is slower than theirs, and who is newer to sex than they are.

Someone telling you they want you to "move outside our comfort zone," especially when your comfort zone right now is that this is all new to you is not being that kind of partner. This and other things he's doing and saying make very clear to me this is a partner who is pressuring you to move much, much faster than you're comfortable with. That you also feel like you have to try and meet his wants to keep him around is a big signal that you don't feel secure in this relationship, either, which isn't surprising because it's not sounding like he's doing anything to help build that kind of safe and secure feeling.

In healthy sexual relationships, people don't feel like they have to do sexual things just to keep people interested or around. In healthy and fully consensual sexual relationships, what people do is about what BOTH people want (and don't want) to do, not just what one does.

That feeling you keep having of feeling ill or chickening out may actually be your intuition telling you that the situation or person or timing isn't right. It's so important we pay attention to those kinds of feelings when we have them, rather than dismissing them out of hand. Often they are our best way of knowing someone or something isn't right or even safe for us.

You say that you really do like him. Would you say that you two, so far, have a relationship you feel safe in, that feels good to you? Do you feel like he also really likes you in the same way? If so, might you feel able to tell him outright that he is moving much too fast and that to be a good partner to you (or anyone) he can't pressure you in any way and needs to get okay with what *your* pace is?

[Heather]

Also, I'm happy to also talk with you about the mechanics of fingers inside a vagina and other things related to that, but first I'd just like us to sort out if this is even someone safe for you, period, and if that's something you want to do for yourself (both if you want that to be part of your masturbation because it feels good for you, and if you want to do that with someone else because of YOUR wants), not just something you feel like you need to be able to do for him because it's what *he* wants.