Scarleteen

I'm a girl and I have been in my first/only committed relationship for about 2.5 years, and he is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me, has truly changed my life for the better, and is just the most respectful and kind person. We waited about a year to be intimate and went really slow with it, starting orally due to my insecurities and eventually doing more; we have only ever been with each other and have only ever done it safely. We don't really do anything crazy, we're pretty vanilla with just a lot of praise/compliment type things. I've never done anything really that would fall under the kind of "classic" sl*t label.

However, I can't stop thinking of myself as a dirty person. A lot of the time it's when I'm alone, but sometimes it's with him or even during sex itself, I feel guilty and like a bad person for wanting it. Up until this past Halloween, it wasn't a super big deal that affected me, it was just like an insecurity that went away once my boyfriend held me tight. On Halloween, we were hanging out with our group of friends, which included Nick and Abby. Abby had been one of my closest friends for the past few years and Nick has also been friends with my boyfriend for a while, and we basically set them up. Anyways, we were talking about weird spots to bring dates somehow, and Abby was talking about how they trespassed onto some construction site, when Nick said "Oh yeah, that's the spot where I told you the thing that changed your view on [my name] forever". It was said in a joking way, but I pestered about what it was until Abby said that he told her that I "liked giving head a lot" and that she told another person who was a kinda ex-friend of ours. It turned out, when we were going slow and only doing oral, my boyfriend confided in Nick that he was insecure about some things. We kinda all just moved on after that, since really it wasn't a big deal.

However, ever since then, I've become an extremely insecure and have had to deal with constant anxious thoughts about whether or not that I was a sl*t/wh*re, whether or not everyone thinks I'm a sl*t, that I'm dirty and a bad person for liking the things that I do, etc. I'll just start spiraling at random times of day. I've started hating the idea of picturing myself doing anything sexual, especially faces or noises or talking. I've talked to my boyfriend about it and he has reassured me that I'm not a sl*t, nobody thinks I am, etc. but they keep coming back. We still have sex and it's great but it's just so much harder for me to get into it since I have so many thoughts plaguing me. I've also been having thoughts about whether or not my boyfriend views me as a bimbo or an object, which he quite obviously doesn't but it hurts to have those thoughts, it feels like I'm lying about him behind his back.

I haven't really been able to find any advice that's been able to help, so I am putting this in your hands. Thank you.

I want to start by saying that, when used as a negative, slut is a SUPER unhelpful way to describe anyone for having had sex, regardless of how much of it they enjoy, where or with whom.

So before wondering whether or not you are a thing, it could be very helpful to take a breath and recognize that that thing, in it's negative form, doesn't actually exist for you to be it. Basically, the "slut" as the person you should always try not to be is a myth.

That said, when you're feeling anxious and self conscious it can be difficult not to reach for any words to insult yourself with at which point it's time to ask yourself what would be a kinder way you could describe yourself, which you would actually feel good about? When you have some language you can use instead it can be helpful to say those things back to yourself whenever the self-critical thought creeps in.

I will add that it doesn't sound like your friends were particularly helpful here, having had and enjoyed oral sex really shouldn't "change" anyone's opinion on you forever, that's pretty ridiculous and unfair. Even if it was said in jest, it sounds like it has still affected you and it doesn't sound like you've had an apology yet? Maybe that part of what happened could be something you could talk to your boyfriend with?

PS, I wanted to add one more thing: When you come out the other side of those negative feelings it's also worth knowing that a lot of people flip the word "slut" on its head and say to themselves "Well, if a slut is somebody who enjoys sex then I'm going to call myself that gladly because I believe enjoying sex is nothing to be ashamed of!" I wouldn't expect you to go all the way there right away but I think it's worth reminding yourself how much of this shame you're allowed to throw away.