Am I really a pillow princess or is it internal homophobia?

[BowsAndButtons]

Warning this is practically a novella.

I am an 18 year old girl and have been dating my girlfriend for almost a year now. We’ve known each other for years; I’m very much in love with her, and I’m excited to get married and start a life with her.

When it comes to our sex lives, we started having sex (and by sex, I mean literally anything happening below anyone’s belt) a few months into our relationship. I was always on the receiving end, which I like and turns me on. I finish much quicker than the average person and have a lot of stamina so it seemed natural, especially since she’s kind of shy and reserved about sex and in general. She also makes moves to have sex first and obviously gets a lot of satisfaction out of being on top.

I tried to reciprocate one time, just with my hands, and it didn’t really turn me on and she didn’t seem very into it (although I’m not sure if it’s because she’s much quieter than me in bed). It also hurts my wrists and hands because I’m weak as shit . Anyway, I hate the idea of being the dominant one in bed. It just freaks me out.

My girlfriend and I recently had a conversation where she mentioned me giving her head, and honestly I just don’t like the idea of it. It’s not personal to her at all, I think I just tie the idea of giving someone head to masculinity since I used to date men and they would always be very interested in giving me head.

I’m an extremely feminine girl, no one ever guesses that I’m a lesbian and I also wear long acrylic nails (which my girlfriend likes, and that kind of eases my anxiety about being strictly a bottom). All of this feels like it would be compromised if I were to be sexually dominant. I know it wouldn’t change anything about me, but I just really don’t like that power dynamic, and it strangely, even though I’m cisgender, would make me feel some kind of gender dysphoria to be sexually dominant to a woman.

When it comes to my experiences being with men versus being with women, I feel guilty because I used to have a lot of sex with my ex male partners, would always be willing to give them head, and even got some kind of joy out of being a more dominant partner. I feel as though I only did the latter because I didn’t respect men because I’m not even attracted to them at all, only their masculinity. With my girlfriend, the idea of giving her head feels weird and wrong and like I’m putting on some kind of play. When I was dominant with men, it felt like a way to say “I hate you and I disrespect you” without actually saying it.

I think I’d be more interested in being the “penetrative” (yucky word) partner if I could do it while also feeling submissive, I just don’t know how to do it.

PS: I’m very dominant in other parts of our relationship—financially, socially—and I prefer it that way. I want to take care of her and be chivalrous and take her out and spoil her. Just not in the bedroom.

So really, if I just want to be thrown around by my girlfriend and I don’t want to be the dominant partner, is it just a preference or should I really feel guilty about it?

[Sofi]

Hi BowsAndButtons, welcome to the boards!

I hear you and what you're saying makes sense in regards to how you view being dominant with men vs women. I wouldn't say wanting to be submissive with women is internalized homophobia or something you should feel guilty of, it's just a preference and as long as your partner is okay with it there's nothing to feel guilty about. That said, maybe the way you're thinking about all this is a bit on the comphet side, for lack of a better way to describe it.

Many times this idea of dominant vs submissive gets attached to top vs bottom and things like who is doing the insertion, which comes from the way many hetero relationships work (think- man being dominant and doing the insertion, woman being a "pillow princess" and being submissive). That's not always the case for every couple, especially queer couples. For example, if you've heard of the term "power bottom", that's an example of how someone could be dominant but be a bottom. In the same way, many lesbians can top but not be 'dominant'. You said you'd be open to something like this so I'm thinking you could suggest to your girlfriend trying a strap-on but you could lay down and let her ride you, this could be one way to not feel overly dominant.

At the end of the day, whatever you both enjoy is okay. I don't think you should think too much into it, and again, keep in mind in queer spaces there's often more flexibility and less strict "dominant vs submissive" roles (outside of BDSM and such). You can always try going down on her and see how it feels - if you don't like it, that's okay, but at least you tried and that'll mean a lot to her. You could try laying down and having her on top when you do it, that might fulfill what you both want? Just some ideas; the main point here is to be open to experimenting with different things until you find what you're both comfortable with. How does that sound?