Scarleteen

So recently my gf and I found out that her friend got arrested for holding and distributing child pornography of infants. We were both very disturbed to find that out and my gf is now super depressed and untrusting of the world. She’s also scared because she has a couple classes with this person. We’re not really quite sure what to do as my gf suspects he may still be engaging in that material. I suggested she talk to him, but she doesn’t feel comfortable doing so. How can we move on from something like this?

Hi MountainMix,

Just dropping in to say that is a pretty heavy and potentially triggering topic, and maybe not one people immediately expect in a post in the relationships area. I’m not saying that it’s not appropriate for here, because it is about a relationship — however, I think an edit that adds a trigger warning at the top might be helpful, if you can still edit the post.

- AQ

Hi MountainMix!

No doubt that's a really big thing to learn of and for you to have to try and process, I'm so so sorry!

I can see AQ's point, so I'm going to move this topic thread to the "abuse" section and then we can continue this conversation there.

(Moved!)

It sounds like your girlfriend is having a pretty tough time with this too. That's a lot to handle, and I'm really pleased you came by to ask for help!

One of the things that can happen in situations like these is that the severity of the information we've received can send ripples through a community, and to everyone feeling those ripples there can be a feeling that the severity of the situation must translate somehow into the urgency of what our immediate response should be. That in itself can bring about its own layer of stress and anguish as the self-critical voice of what we should do, including the idea that we should even know what to do, is on us and feels like it needs an immediate answer.

However, unless there's a really clear obvious action you can take, which in the case of past crimes there may not be, it could be helpful to spend some time thinking and talking about how you are feeling, and how your girlfriend is feeling, where those feelings might be coming from and what either of you might need to address some of those feelings before getting round to taking any outward action.

That includes encouraging your girlfriend to approaching this person - a thing which it definitely doesn't sound like your girlfriend wants to do, so I'd strongly advise against pushing that... she may wish to do that in the future, but it would be her own choice to do that.

What do your two's wider support networks look like? Are there more people who you could turn to to support either of you?

I also recognise that you suspect he may be reoffending, so we could also talk about what your options are if that suspicion turns into evidence.

In the meantime this sounds like a time for care and compassion; both towards yourself and towards your girlfriend, and reaching out for more help around you too as part of that.

Does that change how you're thinking of this at all? Are there any ways you think we could help?

Hi MounatinMix,

I hope you don't mind me jumping in here as well. I'm happy to discuss this all with you more because it sounds like a very complex situation that is difficult to navigate. First, I was wondering what your thoughts are on what Jacob had wrote above? Did any of the things they said bring up additional questions or thoughts for you?