Scarleteen

I’ve browsed this website before when thinking about my own sexuality but have never made an account till now. I was hoping for some advice on my sexuality. I’m currently 19 and in college and I still constantly fluctuate between feeling like I really like women and not feeling like I do at all. It doesn’t help that I’ve had minimal dating experience in high school and don’t get very many crushes.
I’ve dated a man, a transfem girl (she was closeted so she wasn’t able to transition) and a nonbinary person. I’m confused because with men my attraction feels so certain, when I crush on them (even though it’s rare for me to crush at all) I immediately get blushy and nervous and giggly. My crush on my nonbinary partner and any feelings I have towards women are iffy. With my nonbinary partner I had a similar level of wanting to get close to them really quickly and wanting to do romantic things with them that I didn’t want to do with other friends, but it felt more casual(?) less all consuming like with my crushes on men, which made me wonder if I just liked them a lot as a friend, more than other friends, but confused it for romantic attraction.
It’s hard for me to tell based on fictional crushes as well because while I’ve been sexually attracted to women’s bodies and drawn to them, and men’s, I’ve never gotten the same rush as my crushes on men. My bisexual friend told me to just date a woman and see how I feel, but attraction doesn’t work like that for me. A woman had a crush on me my freshman year of college and I didn’t feel the same way at all.
I know labels don’t necessarily matter but I make a lot of queer art and enjoy queer stories a lot, and I feel part of the community. Plus I’m afraid of hurting a woman in the future- I’ve heard so many lesbians talk about bi women that have just toyed with their feelings and only really liked men. Some of my lesbian friends at college have even talked about how they don’t like bi women that just want to have sex with women or experiment, and how them liking penis a lot means they don’t really like women. Things like who I want to marry don’t help either since I don’t really see myself marrying anyone?
I know this is kinda dumb as well but I really love bl and mlm romance, and while I have both wlw and mlm characters, I tend to focus on the mlm ones. I do read gl but don’t get the same feelings from it as I do bl. But I do like to imagine myself having sex with women and even doing romantic things. It’s all very confusing and makes me feel bad about myself. I don’t have a whole lot of people to talk to these anxieties about except other queer friends who I think get tired of hearing it.
My family is religious and homophobic, and I used to be as well until my freshman year of highschool where I started to question my religion and what I’d been taught. (Now I’m an atheist and obviously and ally and maybe queer myself? My family doesn’t know any of this though, and that’s how it’s been for about 4 or 5 years now) It’s hard for me to explore relationships with women as well since I know I couldn’t give them a whole lot due to my family. (Another reason why I’m glad me and the transfem girl broke up early on). I know it’s a lot but it’s circled my mind frequently.

Hi MaybeBi19, welcome to the boards!

You know, everything you said can reasonably be described as queerness, and bisexual is a label I would say you can definitely use for yourself based on what you've described. That being said - it's not up to me, or ANYONE ELSE other than yourself, to decide that. Sexuality is also fluid, so it's perfectly normal to be more attracted to a certain gender one year and a different one the next year and it can keep changing. None of this makes you less queer.

Regarding the comments you've heard women in the lesbian community make: while it's totally valid for them not to want to date bi women, it's not really cool to assume they don't actually like women if they like penis (this is also just objectively false). Since sexuality is a spectrum, it's okay for someone to, say, have a preference for a certain gender or like certain genitalia a lot, and still be bi/queer - these things don't erase that person's attraction for other genders. Frankly, the right person won't care about what genders or which genitalia you've been romantically or sexually involved with in the past.

I'll also add, the pressure to figure out how to label yourself is only going to stress you out and the more you overthink it, the more you'll feel this imposter-like feeling. There's no rush to figure this all out, and you don't NEED any labels. They're helpful for many folks but they're for them to decide, not anyone else. If you feel attraction for women, whether romantic or sexual, you don't need further validation about your queerness. There are also other labels beyond bisexual, people can also be biromantic but heterosexual, or vice versa. Also, it's not uncommon to feel romantic attraction differently towards men vs women. This doesn't mean you're confusing the attraction just because it isn't as all-consuming.

Lastly, none of this is "dumb" and it's honestly SO common to feel this confusion and question your sexuality. Many if not most queer people have at some point. So don't feel bad about that either! It's okay to ask yourself these questions, I just don't want you to feel so much pressure to fit perfectly into a label because most of us don't, and that's okay. You can just use the umbrella term 'queer' if that's more comfortable than bisexual, and you can just naturally date and be intimate with whoever you end up liking, without going out of your way to "experiment". Does that make sense? <3

It makes sense, I guess labeling myself just has this importance to me because I want somewhere I can belong. Maybe if my family weren’t homophobic I’d feel differently, but they are and I’m scared that if I ever come out and I’m not sure about it, it’ll all be for nothing. It just makes me feel like an impostor in the community as well.

Hi there, MaybeBi19

I want to start by affirming what Sofi has said before: you don’t need to like men and women in the same way or in the same amount to be bisexual. The way you’ve described your experiences definitely reminds me of other bisexual people - you do have precedent. That said, you don’t have to experience attraction in the same exact way as anyone else to be a part of this community. Don’t compare yourself to others. You belong here already.

If someone in my family was struggling in this way, I would want to be there for them, no matter what they decided in the end. This may not make the thought of losing your family any easier, but by making you keep your difficulties a secret, I want to note that they have already done you a disservice.

I think you’re right that your family’s views have raised the stakes for you here. It sounds like you’re worried that if you come out to your family when you are not sure about your sexuality, you will be left with nothing at all - they might reject you, and you won’t have a space in this community. If you’re looking for a sense of belonging, I can see how this prospect would be terrifying. However, I don’t think it is inevitable.

Feeling disconnected from your family and unsure about your identity can really feel so destabilizing. But even if you were on great terms with your family and you didn’t have to deal with any worries about your sexuality, there might have still come a time when you felt alone, or like you didn’t belong. In this case, it might help to focus on actionable steps you can take to feel more connected to other people.

What do you think of this?

It makes sense, I have a lot of friends, although I don’t know if those relationships will last forever. What sorts of steps could I take to become more connected to other people in the queer community? I live in a small southern community and don’t have a lot of options.

Hi MayebBi19,

That's great to hear that you have some friends that are supportive and accepting of you. I hear that it can feel uncertain if friendships will withstand the test of time. In reality, all relationships change overtime and so without a doubt these ones will fluctuate too. However, if these are people that you have a good connection with, and if you continue to invest in those relationships, they can definitely stick around if you want them to.

To get to your question there about connecting to more people in the queer community, that's an awesome question! If you are looking to get more connected to local people it can be helpful to start googling and see if there are any local queer organizations near you. These would definitely be the people that could get you more looped in about people and events in your area.

As you said, in some areas, it can still be trickier to find these types of open spaces. If it seems like there are not as many opportunities to meet people irl, then there are some other ways that people have found helpful to feel apart of the larger community. This could be through reading/watching queer media (this article, this one, and this one all have suggestions!), diving a little more into the history of the LGBTQ+ community, or being apart of online communities like Scarleteen. Speaking of, this is an excellent new thread that we could start to get lots of other people's thoughts and experiences about how they've connected to the queer community. I'll start a new discussion topic under "Sex, Culture and Politics" where we can continue brainstorming on this topic.

If there are still concerns you are wanting to talk through about your family, we are definitely here for you around that too. Let us know what would be most supportive for you!