Guilt

[BlueRed]

Hello. I was wondering if I could ask a question. I’m asexual, but still feel the need to relieve myself sometimes. I really hate when I get the feeling because I always feel extremely guilty and ashamed during and after the fact. I’m not even sure if it’s the act that causes it, but whatever I do it to. Always makes me feel awful. But I can’t turn off my brain and think of nothing at all. So anything I look at or think of triggers me. I guess I’m wondering if there’s something wrong with me.

[Anya]

Hi BlueRed,

I'm so sorry you feel like this! It sounds like a really frustrating place to be, and to get this out of the way early, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. I promise.

As you may well be aware of, asexuality is a pretty complex spectrum. People who experience asexuality understand it in different ways that often are unique to each individual. Some asexuals don't experience any desire to masturbate, and some do, neither way being "wrong" or invalidating of you're sexuality. Masturbation is a common, like you said, release, that for many people can occupy a sexual space, but can also just exist as a tool for better sleep, an energizing activity, or simply a nice sensation done out of sheer boredom. Everyone's body has certain parts that feel good when stimulated, regardless of sexuality. Some don't experience or dislike the sensation, especially in certain contexts, but physically stimulating your body in order to feel that nice "release" doesn't change anything about your asexuality, just informs you of something that feels good!

Can I ask what about it makes you feel particularly guilty or ashamed?
You mentioned that it sometimes has to do with what you relieve yourself to, do you mean media, thoughts, or fantasies? (or none of the above?)

[BlueRed]

Thank you. Luckily it doesn't make me feel like my identity is invalid. I've always been proud of it, so that much is alright. The part that makes me feel ashamed is, really all of those. I'm in a relationship, so there are things I've agreed not to do. Those I don't have a problem with. But when it comes to thoughts or fantasies, or anything I am allowed to look at relating to my partner makes me feel different, kinds of guilt. That have proven to be rather hard to, shake.

[Anya]

Hi BlueRed,

What are the things you've agreed not to do in your relationship?

And to be clear, are the thoughts or fantasies you're struggling with about your partner? Or not about your partner? Just helps me understand where the shame feelings might be coming from.

And would you tell me a little about the triggers you described?

[Skybushh]

Hello. We’ve both agreed not to look at photos or videos regarding anyone else. As for the, thoughts and fantasies. I struggle with both, whether they’re about my partner or not. If it’s about my partner it feels unrealistic or a bit disrespectful. But if it’s about anything else it feels like I’m being disloyal or untruthful. Either way any fantasy I have always feels like I’m oversexualizing something. I realize this is from a different account, I found the password for it again so I sent the message through it.

[Andy]

Hi there Skybushh,

first on the two accounts issue. Per our Guidlines (User Guidelines & Privacy Policy we allow only one account per person so we can keep track of the conversations we've had and provide better support. Could you please tell us which of these accounts you would like to keep using? And for future instances, there is an option to reset your password on the Log in page. And if you have any trouble
with that don’t hesitate to contact us and we will help you sort it out.

As for feeling guilt about your fantasies, you are certainly not alone in that. There is so much stigma and shame around sex and sexuality in our society that a lot of it steeps even into our fantasies. But here we believe that actions are what affects us and our relationships, not thoughts and fantasies and that these can’t hurt anyone even if they contain things we would never want or could do in real life. So for example, fantasizing about someone who is not your partner, or looking at their picture for the matter, doesn’t mean you are somehow betraying your partner even if you are in a monogamous relationship. Does that make sense?

When you say it feels like you are oversexualising something, could you elaborate on what exactly does that mean for you in these instances?

[Skybushh]

Yes. Sorry about that. I would
probably keep this one. That does make sense. I guess I worry that I’m being disrespectful, or objectifying things.

[KierC]

Hi Skybushh,

Thank you for letting us know which account you’d like to keep.

I hear you that you don’t want to objectify things or be disrespectful to your partner or anyone. That is the beautiful thing about fantasies though, as Andy said fantasies can’t hurt anyone, and they’re a healthy way to explore your sexuality on your own terms. Having a fantasy doesn’t mean you’ve done anything to disrespect someone, and it doesn’t mean that they’re not still a normal person in your eyes in real life. How does that all land with you?

[Skybushh]

I suppose that makes sense. It is a fake scenario. I try to be okay with it but, when I let my mind wander it makes me feel really. Guilty. Like I’m a bad person with something to. Hide. Anytime anyone else pops into my head it feels like I’m going behind my partners back. I feel really uncomfortable whenever I’m attracted to anyone else.

[HannahP]

Hi Skybushh!

I hear you saying that you feel conflicted about masturbation and fantasy — that you want to do it, but that part of you feels like you are betraying your partner when you fantasize. It sounds like you worry that masturbating and fantasizing is a kind of cheating, and that your sexual attention should only be on your partner. Does that sound right?

I'm curious about whether these beliefs are something your partner has expressed or whether they are coming from somewhere else. Do you believe that your partner would feel like you are going behind their back if you fantasize about something besides them? Or is your partner supportive of your solo sex life and its your own inner voice that's telling you it's wrong?

My belief is that having a good relationship with your own sexuality that's separate from the sexual life you share with your partner is a really healthy thing. Just like how it's important to have privacy and autonomy in your life, even when you're in a romantic relationship, it's also important to have privacy and autonomy in your sex life, even when you're in a relationship. We have a great article that talks about this idea that you might like to read: How to Approach Sexual Fantasy and Desire on Your Own Terms Maybe you could take a look and tell us if anything in there resonates with you?

[Skybushh]

Yeah, that does sound right. Almost exactly. To be honest I’m not quite sure where they come from. My partner’s set boundaries but nothing relating to the way I think or feel. I think I project those beliefs onto things. I’ve always policed my thoughts, ever since I learned I could make mistakes. I was able to read most of it. I appreciated a lot of what it had to say, likely because I don’t enjoy feeling ashamed. I skipped the media section because that’s something I’m avoiding while in a relationship. But I liked the part about reclaiming parts of yourself and how no fantasy is wrong to have.

[HannahP]

I'm glad that your partner is supportive and that you liked parts of the article! It sounds like even though part of you believes that fantasizing might be wrong, another part of you believes that it's okay. That's great! Maybe you can explore those ideas more and help boost that voice that says that there's no need to feel ashamed or guilty about fantasizing or masturbating.

One thing that can help when you're trying to change the way you think or feel about something is to just keep exposing yourself to the beliefs that you want to have. So in this case, that could mean seeking out more examples of sex positive resources that say that masturbation and fantasy are healthy and natural. We have other articles that talk about this explicitly that I would recommend, but probably just browsing on the Scarleteen site or reading on the forums would help too! But I do think that this article about sexual shame might be especially helpful: Undoing Sexual Shame

So the first step might be just continuing to read from sources that support the idea that masturbation and fantasy are totally okay, as well as talking about those ideas with supportive people. You also might want to pay attention to if there are any voices in your life that are telling you the opposite, that masturbation and fantasy are bad or cheating, and try to limit your exposure to them.

The next step might be to practice reminding yourself of your beliefs whenever you start to feel bad or guilty. So if you're masturbating and you start to feel bad, you might stop, take a breath, and gently tell yourself "hey, no fantasy is wrong to have, I'm not doing anything wrong" or something similar.

What do you think about this? Does it sound like something you could try?

[Skybushh]

I think those are all really good ideas. I’ll try reminding myself of it and finding resources that speak positively on the subject. Thank you for all your help.

[KierC]

Hi Skybushh,

You’re welcome! So, so glad we could all help a bit. If you’re ever in need of more support or resources, we’re here for you.