What's the big whoop about someone saying no to you?

[Heather]

I wanted to see if we could start a conversation about something that often seems to get in the way of people either doing consent well, asking for what they want sexually, or both: that's the idea that someone saying no when we invite them to do something sexual with us (or not now, not with you, not this way), is some kind of terrible, world-ending thing people should do everything to try and avoid.

So, to just get things rolling, short and sweet: if you are afraid to ask for what you want, or afraid to be a person in your sexual relationships or interactions out of fear the other person will say no, why do you think that feels so scary, awful or terrible, rather than just an "Oh well" and a normal, common part of life?

[Keda]

I think one big thing is not about the fact that whatever you wanted to do isn't going to happen, but the fear that you might have totally misjudged the situation or the other person, and asked for something that they think is inappropriate or that's made them really uncomfortable. It's kind of like the initial fear of asking someone out - worrying that they won't have seen it coming at all, don't feel that way at all, and really don't think that you have the kind of connection or relationship where going out would be a good idea - except with the added thing that when you're asking to do something sexual, there's a risk of the other person responding with an "Ew, no way" or even thinking less of you for wanting to do that thing at all.

[sexpositivity94]

Keda, YES! I completely agree. Rejection is not a super big issue for me, but usually when I approach others for sexual/romantic purposes (asking out on a date, initiating a kiss, etc.) it is after I have worked through my feelings, and throughly analyzed the situation (maybe over-analyzed...) and worked up the courage and the perfect way to do it. So the big thing is not that they say no, it is what I feel that no means. That means that I have completely misread the situation, which means I have misinterpreted a lot. Also, it would be a concern for me what their reaction was. If they just said "No, but thank you" (or something similar) it would be fine. But I have been in situations where, when it is a no, but they know I have certain feelings, they now look at me or treat me differently- and not in a good way. Granted, I have never been in a serious or long term relationship, but I have been in a few situations where I have been rejected. However, I have been in several more situations where I did not act, not out of the fear of rejection, but out of fear for the aftermath.

[Jacob]

On one level, I get that rejection is something potentially good because I can move on, define the limits of my friendship with someone and enjoy the stuff we mutually want. But also as a darker feeling, I do really struggle not to take rejection as an indicator that I'm not good enough, or that there is something inherently wrong with me to not have been wanted... I know that is just a gut response with some reasons that come from my own mental health issues, but I do think it can be quite common, and no doubt messes with consent a lot when left unquestioned. I definitely think working on consent and self-esteem at the same time is a good combo.

[suburban_witch]

I think a large part of it can be having no good models to accept critique and to be self-reflexive in our culture. So there can be something really threatening and scary about hearing a no, especially when it intersects with things like toxic masculinity (as we can see from the "nice guy" movement that's being highlighted on Tumblr). It took me a long time to learn those skills (and I learned a lot of it from my writing and politics coursework as safe spaces to test out analyzing our emotional responses). I don't know how much space our culture can give to express and understand our emotions in safe ways, particularly for young people, who are often told to squelch their emotions or are otherwise policed for feeling their feelings.

For me personally, being socially isolated made a "no" feel super-scary, like I would never have an opportunity to date anyone again if someone said no. I think that's part of why I've connected love so deeply with scarcity. Having deep, supportive social networks diminished that "end of the world" feeling that accompanied rejection.

[dday76]

I think it's helpful to consider how that yes might turn out.

1) They might say yes and not mean it and just go through the motions. Then it's just awkward or maybe they stop half way and then it's more awkward.
2) They might say yes and not mean it and then regret it in the morning. Then you're not friends or they might even bring assault charges.
3) They say no *because* you pushed so hard. Whether because you fear rejection (or blue balls - ouch, no joke), if you push too hard, they might say no just because you're being pushy about it. Be confident and clear about what you want but don't ruin it by ignoring what your partner wants.

If you find yourself really lobbying for a yes, even if only verbally, you might not like the yes you get.