Scarleteen

I was talking to my friend about something, and she asked me to discuss more about it. It was about an experience I had, but I chose to describe it in a way that was objective and underlined the psychology concept behind it. Then she mentioned how it comes across as if I am detached from what has happened to me, and that I 'intellectualise' what I say - which she has told me a number of times before.

I didn't have any feelings towards what I had been talking about, but it was as if she expected me to talk about my feelings. And even if I had - shouldn't it be my choice whether I disclose them to her or not? It doesn't mean that I am dismissing my emotions - I just didn't want to talk about them with her. But the way she keeps saying that I 'intellectualise' makes me feel as if she is just judging the way that I talk, rather than trying to actually *hear* what I have to say and understand me. It makes me want to be less open with her and talk about my feelings less.

Do you have any suggestions on how I could approach this with her? I haven't ever had a friendship like this, so it is difficult for me to know how this tension can be resolved.

Thank you

Hi NambyPamby!

I'm sorry your friend is being dismissive about the way you talk and communicate.

This sounds really unhelpful of her, there's nothing inherently bad about being intellectual and analytic about things, especially as that is often a big part of many people's personalities - sometimes that's just how we talk and anti-intellectualism, which has been a pretty terrible force in society over the past couple of decades, can make people irrationally hostile to us being ourselves, but that is on them!

I don't now if this is true for you but there are situations where because of trauma some of us put some some emotional distance between the events we're describing and how we feel - otherwise we're scared the emotions will just overwhelm us and that isn't something we can handle every day of the week! In that situation it's perhaps even more unhelpful to have a friend criticizing the way we're talking, because essentially they're telling us we can't do the things we rely on to feel safe. A therapist might suggest exploring those feelings, but that only comes after building trust, but she isn't your therapist and she's done the opposite of building trust and safety.

There is the other kind of "intelectualizing" which is done when people who use the format of debate to derail and undermine the real feelings being expressed by someone more directly affected by a situation, but it sounds like for you the opposite is happening and someone is undermining your account?

One area where you could choose to talk about your feelings, and might be helpful, is describing to her how being dismissed that way has made you feel! If she wants feelings that's a big one, and maybe asking her more directly for the space to be yourself could actually work? If she thinks there are other people's feelings or accounts you've been dismissing then that could be something to work into the conversation too... but my sense from how you described it is that it's just you're style of talking that she's objecting to. Is that right?

How does talking about with her sound to you?