Scared and frustrated by how me, a lesbian trans woman, is perceived

[Asking Queries]

Trigger warnings: transphobia, homo/lesbophobia, fear of being perceived as dangerous, mention of witnessing/hearing about sexual abuse and assault.
Does not discuss details of abuse, but talks in detail about my fears.







Hi everyone,

I’m a lesbian trans woman/girl (not sure when one changes to the other lol), and I’m really scared and frustrated about being perceived as sexually dangerous or predatory, both by society, people I’m in relationships with, and people aware of those relationships.
Making things feel even worse, I have witnessed and heard about sexual abuse/assault multiple times, including from friends and family, so the idea of being thought of as potentially perpetrating those things is even more upsetting for me.
I find myself doubting my actions and desires (ie, wanting romantic or even close platonic relationships), and checking the ages of people I interact with, to try to not do anything that might be seen as sexual or inappropriate. To put it bluntly, I feel like I have the stigma of danger that cishet men in general have, but the marginalization of a trans woman and lesbian (which, of course, are my real identities).
I just want to talk to my friends and form romantic relationships, but I’m so scared of how I’m perceived.

I hope this isn’t too much of a ramble, and I’d love some thoughts on anything to do or different ways to think of this.

[CaitlinEve]

Hey AQ,

These are really scary times and it makes sense that you're feeling this way, especially when the media can encourage that stigma.

First, I would like to refer you to this article (Trans Summer School: When Things Go Wrong) which details stigma and transphobia. Though it's not all applicable to this situation, I think it may be helpful. I also want to mention that I don't think you have the stigma of danger of cishet men; I think what you describe is also a facet of your marginalization as a trans woman/lesbian. The legend of the predatory trans woman is incredibly pervasive in media and sentiment and it causes trans women to be persecuted more often and harsher than cishet men.

Vigilance as any person in any relationship can be good; hypervigilance is when there starts to be a problem. Being constantly afraid of how you're perceived is EXHAUSTING, as I'm sure you know. But I think when you find your people, it gets a lot easier to not be afraid of that. You may want to start small; not policing yourself as much around existing friends, just to try it out.

I hope somebody else can chime in with more advice that's from a transfemme perspective!

[Asking Queries]

Hi CaitlinEve,

Thanks for linking that article — I’d read it back in my “still cis tho” phase. Also, I forgot to say this originally: a lot of the anxiety/fear happens while messaging with people online, since it’s easier for stuff to be misinterpreted there; I think that makes some of the advice in the article less applicable.
“I also want to mention that I don't think you have the stigma of danger of cishet men; … “ Yeah that’s what I was trying to say, you said it better . The lesbian part definitely feels relevant, especially because the people I’m attracted to (women/girls and nonbinary people) are usually (and very reasonably) seen as being at higher risk/occurrence of abuse — most of my friends are women or nonbinary people (and most/maybe all, not sure are queer), I think because I feel safer around them and we share more aspects of both positive and negative life experiences.

Yeah I can relax more around some of my friends — part of the issue is that I have friendships where an age difference previously didn’t concern me (there wasn’t any significant difference in life experience or power), now it feels like they are viewed with suspicion. I’m currently thinking about ending one of those friendships because of how much it’s stressing me (among other issues).

- AQ

[Ro S]

Hey there AQ,

I definitely understand that you're feeling apprehensive of fostering certain relationships. It makes perfect sense to me that you're feeling scared of how you're perceived because of the pervading messages in media telling you how you should feel about yourself and your identities; that is very exhausting. I also want to add that what you mentioned about women and NB folx being more at risk for sexual violence and abuse may be true AND that shouldn't deter you from forming deep connections with folx. You get to build relationships where you feel safe and can have a sense that people understand your lived experiences. Asking the questions of how you can be supportive and create a safe environment in friendships is always a good thing to think about but focusing too much on what others (who are not part of those relationships) may think probably takes away from the energy you can put towards fostering really close and supportive friendships/relationships. Does this make sense?

Do you want to talk more about why you're wanting to end the friendships you mentioned and why you're feeling really stressed within those relationships?