Mental Block

[Bunny1298]

Hi Scarleteen,

I’m 26 year old woman and have been struggling with the concept of penetration for as long as I can remember.

I know all of the misconceptions about pain with first time penetration via word of mouth by family or friends, along with religious/societal conditioning around “virginity” are all facets of the patriarchal machine. Meaning I have over the years learned the truth and debunked those conditioned lessons in my mind, yet (even though I know they aren’t founded in truth) they still prevent me from exploring and enjoying something I know I should be able to as an adult.

The fear of pain along with an extremely uncomfortable relationship I have with my own body has made me (irrationally I know) afraid of penetration whether that be alone or with a partner. It’s impacted me so much that I basically have avoided all relationships because sex is unavoidable these days. So then that means I go solo but even after I’ve tried to let go of all of the shame and discomfort when I masturbate it’s still extremely hard to get past the mental wall built inside my mind.

Now I can say I have made a little progress in the last year (since I have what I assume is an extremely low libido and have probably masturbated more in the last year than I have in my entire life) in terms of exploring other external toys to try and enjoy masturbation more but every time I stop my feelings of embarrassment, lack of sexual experience as an adult and fear of penetration just all come flooding back in and ruin the once good feeling.

I know there are different ways to work on these things whether that be with a psychiatrist and/or gynecologist along with tools like dilators, but mentally I can’t bring myself to discuss that with another adult (even though thats their job) out of shame and embarrassment (cue the revolving door I’ve found myself stuck in).

So I’m just wondering what ways can I alone work up to being comfortable enough with trying to use a dildo to try penetration (aside from arousal/lubrication)? I have a super small dildo its maybe the size of a smaller tampon (though I’ve never used a tampon out of fear as you could probably guess) but no matter how hard I try I physically can’t bring myself to put it inside me (and Im less comfortable with the idea of using my fingers) *Deep sigh*

I would like to try and see if I may enjoy penetration but I won’t ever know with the massive mental block I have. I know that was a lot to unpack. Any advice?

[Latha]

Hi Bunny1298, welcome to Scarleteen!

Since you’re looking to manage fears about pain, I wonder if it might help to adjust the language you use to talk about this. It isn’t wrong to say ‘penetration’, but I think that is a loaded word. It is definitely more likely to make me think of pain than some other options, like intercourse, insertion, or vaginal sex. You could also try to explore gentle, positive, and pleasurable depictions of vaginal sex in media. This may give your mind examples that counter the idea that pain will be the inevitable result of insertion.

We can absolutely offer more advice on how to explore this activity, but since you’ve been struggling for so long already, I want to ask if you have tried giving yourself a break. By this, I don’t just mean a period where you don’t try insertion, but a break from the expectation that you should try at all. The fact is that your difficulties with this one activity say nothing about your maturity — neither does the amount of experience you have with sex. Insertive sex isn’t something you should be able to do as an adult, it is merely optional. It is fun for lots of people, but it doesn’t have to be for everyone. You can have a complete sex life without even ever trying intercourse, and you can be a mature adult even if you are never interested in sex at all.

This isn’t to say that you shouldn’t explore vaginal sex — it is quite possible that you may enjoy it in the future. However, hinging your sense of yourself as a mature adult on this one activity seems like a lot of pressure, and that isn’t conducive to a good experience. A good break might offer a reset.

I know it seems like sex is unavoidable in relationships, but that really isn’t true. It is possible to have fulfilling romantic relationships that don’t involve intercourse, or even sex in general. If you go looking, I’m sure you’ll be able to find many examples, especially in spaces dedicated to asexuality.

How does this sound so far?

[Bunny1298]

Hi Latha, thank you for your response.

I do agree that penetration can be a bit loaded in terms of language/meaning so using alternative words may do me some good. Though I tend to only watch media that does have my ideal depictions if it has any at all of vaginal intercourse as Im a bit averse to anything to “rough”.

I don't think I have ever really mentally given myself a mental break as its like an expectation in my mind of something I should/will experience (even though I know I don't have to do anything I don't want to). But a physical break I can say I have as I do have months of time where I go without any physical or mental desire for anything sexual. And that goes for many of my younger years as well.

Over the last two years discussing with a close friend who has had a similar experience explained to me what being demisexual was which resonated a lot with me as I have never really felt sexually attracted to anyone that I didn’t have a connection with. But thinking further into it over the last few months or so I have truly considered whether I may be just asexual as I really don't know if I have ever actually been sexually attracted to another person or even want to have sex at all (it does repulse me a little sometimes which I’ve seen happens with some asexual people). Now I know this is normal as sexuality and sex are a spectrum, but it bothers me because it feels othering knowing this thing other adults enjoy is something I don't or at least not to the degree that they do.

I’ve tried to find asexual spaces where I live and online but they are really hard to come by. So I’ve kind of just written off relationships/dating as sex has been at the forefront of all of my attempts even when I explicitly set boundaries of what I am/am not looking for. I know it’s very defeatist but I’m not sure what else I can do but avoid dating and sex all together which is pretty much what I’ve always done. *(cue revolving door again)*

[Sofi]

Hi Bunny1298, hope it's okay that I jump in!

You know, it sounds like a mental break as Latha suggested would be good. The pressure you're putting on yourself is almost guaranteed to make any sexual experience less enjoyable and certainly harder to even get through. This is mostly because our main sex organ is our brain- so even if we are physically aroused, if our brain is stressed or anxious or feeling pressure to "get it right", we struggle with it. How do you feel about taking a mental break from thinking about all this, including the whole dating thing? Because often we feel like we won't meet a good match and then they show up unexpectedly, so it's okay to not always be actively trying. As Latha also said, there are tons of people who either don't like sex/don't wanna have it, or just don't care for it, and won't mind a relationship with little or no sex. And if you end up experimenting with other ways of having sex such as clitoral or oral, and it's only vaginal intercourse you're uncomfortable with, that's also something many folks would be perfectly okay with. Still, I don't want you to keep trying primarily because you feel like you have to or because you want to be approved by a potential future partner, as that isn't the right reason to have sex. If you take a break from thinking or trying, and eventually you feel the desire to try again, you can always start then. How does that sound?

[Bunny1298]

Hi Sofi, thank you for responding.

I have gone through ebbs and flows of not thinking about either sex or dating as they only ever really bring me stress though they never fully escape me as social media, movies and every day conversations will bring them back into frame of mind. So it’s just kind of frustrating that no matter how many cycles I go through of forgetting about them and letting them escape my mind once they come back the stress still remains. Thats why I always feel stuck in a revolving door you know. I’ve been doing this cycle for years now, ignoring it and then it comes back around only for me to go through all of the same thoughts and feelings again.

And though I am very aware that none of these thought patterns are good for me my brain wont let go of them. Yet I don’t know how to get these thoughts to go away or should I rather say not let them bother me anymore. The only thing I can equate it to is something else Ive experienced as someone who has never been in a relationship before hearing from others “oh well just wait, it will happen when you least expect it” or “stop looking for it and it will find you” doesn’t do much to make the feelings/hurt go away you know?

Things like dating or intimacy can’t be replaced with anything else as they are unique experiences so not being able to experience them when everyone else has is hard. I know that doesn’t make me any less worthy of experiencing them it just sucks feeling like I won’t be able to even if I don’t need to if that makes any sense. And thinking about that it probably falls in line with heteronormative standards so maybe comphet is kicking my butt so even though I’ve figured out im demi/possibly ace and consider myself pan its still difficult trying to recondition my brain to not yearn for things I’ve been conditioned to think I should want. It’s just a lot to unpack.

[KierC]

Hi Bunny1298

I hear you that it’s hard to not think about sex and dating when it comes up so much in everyday life, and that the cycle of not thinking about it, then being reminded and getting stressed, is a frustrating one. It can be really hard, and perhaps unrealistic, to just “drown out” all the negative talk about sex and dating you hear in life. Sometimes, when we find that a cycle is repeating itself, one thing that can help is to approach things a bit differently when you notice this topic coming back into your mind. Does that sound like something you’d want to consider? If so, when you notice that you’re worrying more about sex and dating again, say if something came up in your everyday life that reminded you of it, what thoughts cross your mind, or how does the cycle restart for you?

I definitely hear you how it’s so not helpful when folks say “just wait and it’ll find you” — I’ve always found that statement to be dismissive when I heard it myself; it doesn’t really address how you’re feeling about the whole thing, you know?

But it sounds to me like perhaps at least some of these feelings might be tied to the thought that the good feelings of sex and dating can’t be replaced with anything else. Did I understand you correctly there?

I know that sex and dating are really placed on a pedestal in our society, but truly, truly, the fulfillment and pleasure folks can find from sex and dating can also be found elsewhere. We talk to folks here a lot about this, so you’re absolutely not alone here, and I think it comes from shitty society stuff telling women they must prioritize romantic and sexual relationships (getting into comphet, as you mentioned!), but a lot of the time we see folks have the misconception that sex and dating are the only ways to feel deep pleasure and fulfillment. I want to send you this really lovely article we have, I Feel Good: Pleasure and Fulfillment, which talks about this idea more in-depth. I love this article because it has some really simple but effective suggestions for where feelings of pleasure and fulfillment can come from <3. How does that all sound to you?

One last question, I’m sorry for so many! When you say that you are “unable” to experience sex and dating, are you referring to the fear of vaginal entry, or something more too?

[Bunny1298]

Hi KierC,

I have tried to reframe my thoughts with more positive or forward thinking but that doesn’t entirely always work. And the feelings are more often shame/embarrassment in comparison to my friends and other adults in my life who have experienced the joy of dating and intimacy.

By saying sex/dating can’t be replaced I don't mean that I can’t find other things to fulfill me as I do actively pursue hobbies and things that I enjoy but its like two pieces of my puzzle are missing. They don't take away from the fact that the other puzzle pieces are still there, but I can’t ignore the empty spaces either. Yes I know that language may also not be beneficial as my life isn't a puzzle and doesn't require dating/intimacy to be complete though I can’t help but want those pieces as thats something I feel I would like to experience albeit in a way differently than most people do.

And yes I did mean insertion specifically (my other posts in this thread may add a bit more context). What I mean by not being able to experience it is physically being afraid of it so I avoid it (in addition to basically all intimacy), yet also considering the possibility of being Ace and not actually wanting to experience those things has been a hard concept to grasp.

How/why do I want or think so much about something that I don't? Do I actually want those things or do I just feel like I should? Is that the societal conditioning? It’s hard to decipher exactly where these thoughts/feelings stem from and how to work through them.

I don't know how to better put it into words that I guess I would like to not be afraid of dating/intimacy so that I can have the ability to experience them.

How do I go about doing that, I’m not really sure as clearly trying to be avoidant hasn’t worked, but also trying to think about them and work through my thoughts hasn’t worked either. It feels like I a lose/lose situation, forgetting and confronting hasn’t solved anything. Im just dumbfounded at what to do. Maybe I’m just catastrophizing and overthinking things, I dont really know.

[CaitlinEve]

Hi Bunny1298,

Just to pop in; I wish we could answer those questions for you, but unfortunately what you're struggling with is something we can only support you as you work through. Nobody has definitive answers.

I can say that I have also struggled with the same things; fear/avoidance of penetration and the guilt/shame that comes with it. It's hard and frustrating, for sure! I don't think you're overthinking or catastrophizing... but I also think a lot of your anxiety may stem from the comparisons you make between yourself and depictions of intimacy you see in media and the world around you, even subconsciously.