Scarleteen

Hey Scarleteen,

As I'm sure many of you can tell by my username, I am 20 years old and confused haha. I recently had my first-time intercourse experience (I am on birth control and we use condoms) with my boyfriend of 3 years. And while we both really enjoyed it and I want to continue doing it, I can't help but feel guilty. We have both decided to stop having sex until I am able to move past this issue.

When I was a little girl, I spent a lot of time with my best friend and her mother, both of whom were very religious. Her mother instilled the idea in me that I should wait for marriage for many reasons.. some being that virginity was something that was really special, I could never get it back once I lost it, people would have more respect for me, etc., etc.. but then my best friend became sexually active years ago, and to this day she continues to tell me how proud she is that I've "kept to my marriage vow" this long. I also have another close childhood friend who is waiting, and he always felt a lot of respect for me, partially because I decided to wait and he knows I've stuck to it for so many years (up until recently at least). I have begun to discuss sex with my mother as I've gotten older, and while she's content with my having sex because of my age and relationship length, she still ultimately does not want me to do it.

Now that I'm older and have some experience, I don't agree with what my best friend's mother told me as a child. I don't feel like I "lost" anything, I don't feel like I "changed", I don't feel like my virginity was some "diamond that I'll never get back", and I don't feel like me being sexually active with my boyfriend has anything to do with my character or why someone should or shouldn't respect me. I've basically come to the realization that virginity really isn't as (personally) precious to me as I was told it would be.

However.. before, during, or after intercourse (not any other sexual act; I only feel guilt around intercourse) I feel guilt. And the main reason I feel guilt is because I feel like I'm letting people down, namely my mother, my two friends, and her mother. I feel like I'm going against something I really stood for for a really long time and that I'm disappointing people with my choice, even if it's because my mind changed.

I don't know what to do. I want to have a satisfying, healthy sex life with my boyfriend, but I can't let that happen because I'm letting other people's emotions stop me. It's frustrating because there have been many times where I want to have sex and can have sex, but I have to hold myself back because I know I'll ultimately wind up feeling sad and guilty.

What can I do to stop feeling so guilty and shameful about sex? I would appreciate ANY help at all!!

Hi 20 and confused,

You're already doing the first steps to working through these guilty feelings by examining where they might have originated, so high five there It can be hard when you grow up around these messages to shake them off, especially when keeping your pledge sounds like it was a big part of your identity and what people seemed to "value" about you. So, be patient with yourself for not being able to immediately switch off the guilt.

One thing that might help is to do some reading (if you haven't already) from sex positive resources (and Scarleteen) talking about why sex before marriage is not something that's inherently sinful or bad. This will give you some voices to counter the ones you grew up with, and give you some things to think about. Part of growing up is working out what you, personally, believe about sex and relationships.

In terms of being sexual with your boyfriend, it might help to work out what activities trigger the guilt and which seem to less so, so that you have ways of expressing your desire for each other that won't always tip you into guilt-land.