weird complex about sexuality

[catcreature77]

hi, sorry to bother you but this is something i've been needing to talk to *someone* about for a while & trying to breach the topic with people just makes me sort of break down emotionally. it's seriously bothering me & i really don't know what to do. i'm new here and don't really know what to say in a post so i will just say everything that is on my mind.

i'm 16f and i feel like i'm behind most of my peers both socially & sexually ... by which i mean i know a lot of people who are sexually active, have had sex or are currently in a sexual/romantic relationship. not everyone obviously but it feels like the overwhelming majority, and as someone who's never dated anyone or had any sort of sexual contact i feel, not exactly left out but i feel very much like i'm an outsider or like i'm doing something wrong. i know that it is normal to feel that way, and that at my age it's completely normal, even healthy to have never had a sexual experience. this isn't really the issue, because i'm hoping that i'll meet someone at some point and that i'll have sex/a relationship when i'm ready for it. but i don't think i ever will be.

the main issue is, my relationship with my sexuality, my body, and sexual pleasure is extremely skewed & unhealthy. for a start, touching myself doesn't feel good. at all. i don't mean i don't have sensation in my body because i do, it's just an extremely unpleasant sensation. unpleasant to the point of making me feel physically sick & very emotionally distressed. it's kind of like a really specific, stinging itchy feeling combined with like a stomachache/feeling of sickness. the closest thing i can compare it too is like a really bad uti, except it's not painful per se, it's just very, very uncomfortable. i don't masturbate, & actually have never masturbated to climax in my life because every time i try i feel this disgusting sick feeling and it's like i'm physically forced to stop. sometimes i just start crying because it's so unbearable. i assume this feeling *is* sexual pleasure, and i'm just not used to it? apologies if this is tmi or doesn't make sense, i am rambling here.

as well as the physical discomfort of it, i also don't feel comfortable in myself & my sexuality? i'm bisexual, but it isn't internalised homophobia or anything like that because i feel equally ashamed of being attracted to boys and girls. if anything, being attracted to boys feels
more shameful, maybe because heterosexuality is the norm so it feels more 'sexual'. i feel like i have religious guilt about it, but i'm not even religious. i was raised in a very liberal, sex positive household, my mother was a dedicated feminist and i was never made to feel bad about myself for anything, but for some reason these feelings developed on their own. i don't like feeling attracted to people, whether that's friends, strangers, celebrities, i feel like a genuinely bad person for having crushes or fantasising about them.

i also don't feel comfortable in my body and that led me to question my gender at times... i am 100% cis, but i don't like being a girl because (and this makes absolutely no sense) like having a biological sex is something sexual, and i don't like anything sexual. sometimes i wish i could literally just spay myself like an animal so i wouldn't have to deal with any of these feelings (and periods, hormones, etc). i'm weirdly ignorant about my own body because of this, like i know it's normal & expected to explore your body and ask questions about it but i've never wanted to because it's so repulsive to me, even just approaching the subject is too much. i hate seeing myself naked, i hate public changing rooms and swimming pools and anything that involves exposing myself in a way that could be considered sexual. but at the same time, i want sex and a relationship and i want to be sexually desirable. despite the way i feel about it & the fact that i'm obviously not ready for any of this.

apologies for all the word vomit, i know it most likely doesn't make any sense to you (it doesn't really make sense to me either) but thanks for letting me get this off my chest. i figure either it's actually normal and then no worries, or i'm a super messed-up freak who desperately needs therapy. (i have tried therapy before, but talking about these experiences only made me feel worse.) if anyone has advice or anything that could help then please tell me about it, and thanks in advance. love you. <3

[Heather]

Hi there, catcreature. I'm glad you're here, but I'm sorry that you're feeling so distressed about so much of this.

You know, in 2025, 16 is actually on the early side for people to be being sexual with other people, but in this era, as in others, there really is a world of variation around this. That said, I also tend to find people who report feeling the way you are often have found themselves in a circle of friends who are sexual with each other earlier than the norm, so it can be easy to feel like that smaller group is what's "normal" even if they aren't more widely representative: like those folks are "everyone" when they really aren't. And that can for sure make it also easy to believe you are behind. But you're not, I promise. Honestly, even the idea that there's a behind to be has a lot to do with some of the not-great ways our world views sexuality. We can talk about that more later, if you like.

Something else to know is that the way we experience or feel pleasure in the body is really, really similar to the ways we experience pain: they exist on a continuum. So, any part that can feel good can also not feel good, or even hurt, and while some of that has to do with what kind of contact is happening with that part, sometimes just as much of it is about what our mental perceptions are, and if we expect something to be painful or pleasurable, or if we have a painful or pleasurable set of thoughts or memories around it. That's one reason why we can't accurately assign body parts as universally being about pleasure, because people can experience the whole range of pain to pleasure with any part. There can also be neurological reasons things feel different to different people sometimes.

In these parts and the rest of your post, I'm seeing what sounds like you experiencing a lot of anxiety and stress around embodiment (especially any you consider or perceive as sexual), around being sexual, around gender, around orientation. I'm not at all surprised to hear that masturbation isn't feeling good, that given. Sure, it still could, and to some people in similar kinds of distress, it still does. But it's very common for any way of being sexual to feel physically or otherwise bad when the person whose body it is happening in feels very bad about it.

I also hear that you really don't want to feel these ways, and that feeling this way is causing you a lot of distress.

The kinds of things you have listed here are the kinds of things that a good therapist -- especially a good therapist who also has credentials as a sex therapist -- can usually help a lot with. It sounds to me like you have a parent who would probably be happy to help you seek that kind of help out: might that be something or someone you'd be willing to consider for help with this?

To be clear: we can help with this, too, but we just won't be able to help as fully or as well as a therapist, working with you in complete private and in a therapeutic setting and that kind of practice, could. I'm happy to dig in more into any part of this and talk as much as you'd like about it. I just think that if possible, finding a therapist to help with some of this could prbably help the most.