Scarleteen

So hi this is my first time asking a question. I really appreciate your site, it has helped me a lot.

I am 13 years old and when I was twelve I was in residential treatment. In treatment I ended up having sex with somebody (female+female) and I feel like I was used. Obviously we shouldn’t have been having sex in the first place, but it still bothers me today. She initiated it and it went something like this: “Will you have sex with me?” So I said, “Sure,” and we had oral sex + digital penetration. Everything was consensual but one thing bothers me. She was fourteen at the time and in 8th grade while I was twelve and in 6th grade. I am from California, so no Romeo and Juliet laws. This technically this counts as statutory rape, but both of us were underage and it was consensual. I felt used because she used to ignore me in the day but then at night it was all smiles and “Will you have sex with me?”. She said some pretty offensive things to me, like telling me my religion wasn’t real and said that I was “mocking religion”. I guess I did some stuff too, I used to melt down often. (I am autistic, but was not diagnosed before so we had no clue. She was also autistic.) But I just feel confused and used because I know this isn’t sexual assault because I consented, but it’s just really gross for me to think about. The age gap is weirding me out and now she is almost fifteen. I have no way to contact her and am not in contact with her. Is this normal? Am I just upset because I am out of a relationship and miss her? Or is it wrong that she did what she did? I just feel icky because sometimes I almost miss her, but I know I shouldn’t. Back then I know I should not have slept with her or anything, but I was desperate for love. Not even romantic love per se, but just love like from my parents to me where I should feel safe and validated. I didn’t really have that at the time which may have contributed to my poor decisions (as well as hormones). I don’t know how to get support for this because I feel ashamed but it’s not like I can find a place that is for me, like an SA group where I can work on things. What happened, was it okay, and why do I feel this way?

Hi there, pinkplatypus, welcome to the boards. Glad to hear our site has helped you a lot!

I hear what you're saying and it's valid that you're feeling confused. Sexual experiences can bring up a lot of emotions, especially at your age and in a situation where you don't even speak to the person anymore. Adding on that she said some awful things to you and you to her, as well as her ignoring you during the day. I can understand how this can all lead to feeling used and icky.

Starting with the age gap - I wouldn't say the age difference is an issue here, considering you were both not only minors but both in middle school and only two years apart in age. So to answer that part of you question, that age gap is not problematic in and of itself. Regarding the actual encounters, you say they were all consensual and she always asked if you wanted to have sex. As long as she wasn't pushy, coerced or deceived you in any way regarding sex, it doesn't quite fit the description of sexual assault, again assuming like you said it was fully consensual at the time.

That said, it's not uncommon to consent to sex and then feel icky about it afterwards for whatever reason. That's valid and no one can tell you that what you felt or feel is wrong. That doesn't have to mean the situation itself was wrong as in the other person was a perpetrator of assault, it can just mean you had some regrets and sex with someone who isn't nice to you outside of sexual context isn't something you enjoy - which again, is perfectly valid and common (we don't really like to use the word "normal" around here).

I don't want to overwhelm you with too much right now, so I want to check in about everything I've said so far. Does this all make sense? How do you feel about all this?

Yes, that makes sense. Thank you.

Glad to hear Sofi’s reply was helpful!

Let us know if there is anything else we can do for you.