Scarleteen

(17ftm, he/they. Been lurking these forums for a little while, only just made an account. Brand new username for... obvious reasons. If my friends find this I'm even more cooked than I previously thought.)
Aaaaalright. This is a tricky one. I'm just gonna sit and ramble and we'll see if anything coherent results from it lmao

I have an incredibly weird fetish. I have been wired this way since I was born. Some of my earliest and clearest memories are of being a little three year old, crouched in front of the TV and feeling a certain way about certain cartoon scenes. I've been getting my version of sex dreams about this thing since I was incredibly young (under the age of 6) and I'm pretty sure I was temporarily porn addicted in my earlier teen years (though, ironically, I did not know the content I was consuming was sexual in nature until I was 13. And also I'm fine now LOL, the constant panic attacks got too much to deal with and I went cold turkey.)

I'm also unable to masturbate. I'd actually rather just Not have genitalia at all, partly for transgender reasons, partly because its annoying and doesn't really provide me any use, but I'm stuck with it, so, you know. I don't know if I just haven't figured out how yet, but touching down there does literally nothing for me. It just kind of hurts, actually.
This might be because my sexuality has nothing to do with genitalia at all, to be honest, but I've tried a handful of times and tried a LOT of things, and literally nothing has worked.

For this reason I'm also 99% sure I'm anorgasmic, but orgasms sound scary anyway, so, like, whatever. My boyfriend says they're nice, but I'm not missing out on much. Thanks, boyfriend.

Anyway.

I'm unable to be normal about sexuality. Since sex itself (as well as genitalia, etc etc etc) does literally nothing for me, I'm just kind of stuck with this One Really Niche Weird Thing that's capable of turning me on. And I feel pretty isolated with it. I mean, when I say niche, I mean it most commonly appears as, like, a subcategory OR cause of other fetishes (which I don't have, and often find a turnoff). For almost everyone with my fetish, it serves as a "means to an end" for a different fetish, rather than as a fetish in its own right, which sucks because I'm not like that. For me, I'm into it in and of itself, rather than because it causes something else, and it seems there's hardly anyone else like me.
It's not exactly problematic or anything, though it can have long-term health consequences if done too often.

I'm incredibly lucky to have a boyfriend who's chill with stuff like this, despite not being into my thing. He doesn't "get" it, but he's damn well willing to engage with it for my benefit, and opening up to him about it almost a year ago was one of the best decisions I ever made. He understands sort of what I've been through because he's into some weird shit too, albeit a different flavour of weird shit, but I feel bad that he engages with it because of the aforementioned potential consequences, especially since they're consequences that would be Particularly Bad for him in particular. And even though he does participate, he's not into it. He does it purely for my benefit. And I'm so unbelievably grateful for that because he's damn good at turning me into a hot mess, but I'm also incredibly lonely.

Chat. How cooked am I?
(And also. If you have any advice, or feel similarly, or anything, please talk to me!!!)

Hey Ocerval,

Welcome to Scarleteen!

I don't think when it comes to sexuality that there IS a 'normal'. No two people are going to have the exact same experience with sex, with kink/fetish, with orgasms, etc., so I don't want you to feel different in a bad way when comparing yourself to other people. As long as your fetish isn't harming yourself or others without consent, it's not Bad! Though I know the shame and/or guilt of dealing with niche fetishes and kinks can be difficult to cope with. I am glad to hear that your boyfriend is supportive, though!

Though all sexualities are unique (like snowflakes!), I am sure you are not the only one with that fetish for whatever specific reason/as not a means-to-an-end, as you mention. However, it's hard to engage with that content and those communities as you are a minor. We obviously do not recommend or condone doing so until you are at the age of consent/age of majority for your area. Regardless; you are NOT 'cooked'! Though you've communicated your fetish with your boyfriend, I do want to link you to an article that may help further with that communication. If I may ask; does he know how much you're struggling with loneliness/'alienation' due to your experiences?

Hi Caitlin! Thank you for the welcome

Yeah, I stopped engaging with that content when I figured out my thing was sexual. Cause it has literally nothing to do with ordinary sex or sexual body parts, and because I'm a fairly oblivious person, it took me a loooong time to figure that out. I just knew it made me feel weird in a good way, lol. Learnt my lesson a few years ago.
I have done research since then, purely in an attempt to figure out what on earth could've caused it. I am no closer to finding an answer that fits my experience, but sexual psychology is something I've always been incredibly interested in, so maybe a few years in the future I'll be able to contribute to studies.

Thank you for linking the article! Helpful read. Glad to know we've been doing things right when it comes to communicating about this stuff so far.

Yeah, he knows how I feel. I complain about it semi-frequently, lol. We both have issues with our various kinks, so discussion about those issues is a very regular occurrence in our relationship. It's nice to have someone, at least, that I can talk with and complain to (and who trusts me enough to talk and complain back at me), but I feel bad sometimes because there's nothing he can really do about my alienation. Sure, I can vent to him, but it still feels lonely. It doesn't solve the problem, it just makes me feel a little bit less bad about the problem, temporarily. And he doesn't really have the same issue with what he's into, because there's a pretty big community of people who're into the same things.

So. Uh. Yeah.
Luckily, I've spent the past year being open and honest with my boyfriend about what I'm into, so I don't really have any shame anymore. Funny how having just one person who even slightly gets it is enough to completely change the way I view both it, and myself.
I guess the main thing that causes me distress about it at this point is the fact that I'm in this weird sort of limbo with my sexuality. Doesn't help that I'm somewhere on the asexual spectrum too, because it makes it even harder to figure things out about myself. I'm not into actual sex or anything even remotely related to that, I'm incapable of masturbation or orgasm, and there's this one, singular thing my brain considers "hot". It's pretty hit-and-miss as to when it'll have an effect or not, too, because a lot of the time I'm really craving that arousal feeling, but none of the usual things (looking at photos my boyfriend has sent me, rereading the piece of fiction he wrote me about our original characters) are doing anything for me in the moment. Something I've vented to my boyfriend about a couple times is the fact that I sort of wish I was either fully asexual, or fully typical.

Part of the issue might be that I'm really bad at feelings, anyway. I don't feel emotions particularly strongly; they often present in the form of physical sensations or symptoms, i.e. I can usually only tell I'm feeling anxious because I get heart palpitations and butterflies in my stomach, but this means that all emotions similar to anxiety (including positive emotions like excitement) feel exactly the same to me. When I'm sad, I feel really tired. When I'm stressed or angry, I feel nauseous. But those physical sensations are usually the only way I can identify how I'm feeling, and it takes a lot of concentration to figure out the emotion of the moment. As an extension of this, I'm really bad at recognising when I'm aroused.
I made a spreadsheet to keep track of various stimuli and the effect they had on me in the moment, and that's helped a little bit with identifying what works and doesn't, but I guess what I'm trying to articulate is that there's this weird sort of disconnect between me and my arousal, if that makes any sense?

I dunno. Sorry for the long reply, lol. Thanks

1) Don't apologize for a long reply! It's helpful and I'm sure it feels good to be able to get it off of your chest. The things you talk about do make sense! Though you mention feeling disconnected from your emotions (and your arousal), I think your grasp on how YOU operate is impressive and incredibly helpful (for a lot of reasons!). I'm excited to read your sexual psychology research when you do it!

Do you think that your loneliness/frustration is something that is sustainable to deal with until you turn 18 and are able to (safely) engage with other like-minded people? We can potentially help you brainstorm healthy + safe outlets for your feelings as well, if that's something you're interested in.

In the meantime, I found another article that you may find helpful: How Can I Learn About Kink As A Minor?