Frustrating conversation with a friend

[Asking Queries]

Content warning: dissociation, communication problems, frustration with friend








Hi everyone,

A few days ago, one of my friends used a word that I found pretty upsetting (it wasn’t a slur). At the time, I just said it didn’t feel gender affirming (which was true), but got overwhelmed and started dissociating because I could say more.

Today, I messaged them about it and asked whether we could call to talk about it, since I find tone harder to interpret while texting and get upset more easily because of that. They said they preferred texting for scheduling reasons, so we started texting.

They said that they had acknowledged what I had said (which they had), that they would try to not use the word again, and that they didn’t mean to hurt my feelings. I explained that I understood that they didn’t mean to hurt my feelings, and that I wasn’t saying that it was their fault, but that I felt like they were dismissing my upset because they didn’t apologize or ask about what had upset me. When I explained more about what happened and how upset I got, they said that they did not dismiss me, couldn’t be expected to “swoop in” to reassure me when I just said that it wasn’t gender affirming, and that taking on the emotional weight isnt their job and is for a therapist.
I haven’t said this, because the conversation seems over and I don’t want to make things worse, but, what I really wanted from them was some warmth and being worried that they had upset me. They said that they cared about not upsetting me, but it doesn’t feel like that to me.

I’ve never had stuff like this happen with my other friends, and I’m not sure whether I want this friendship to continue if the communication stays like this. Also, I feel uncertain because this is one of the first times I’ve brought up something significantly upsetting to a friend, so I don’t know whether I did it right.

I’m sorry for rambling, I’m just upset and frustrated with this. I’d love some thoughts or suggestions.

- AQ

[Latha]

Hi there, AQ! You don't need to apologize — venting is okay, and it is so understandable that you are upset and frustrated by this!

I’m sorry your conversation went poorly. Warmth, reassurance, and concern are not totally unreasonable things to ask of a friend, and they are not just the purview of therapists. It is possible that this friend was not able to offer those things in a way that helped you, and that is okay for them to say that, but they made some big claims.

It is possible that they felt accused and defensive when you explained how you felt. While we can sometimes change the way we explain our feelings to mitigate such reactions, it isn’t always possible, and it wasn’t only your responsibility to do that. You don’t have to continue this friendship if the communication doesn’t feel right. That doesn’t have to mean that either of you are wrong/a bad person. It can just mean that your communication styles and needs didn’t match up.

How do you feel about this?

[Asking Queries]

Hi Latha, thank you :).

I think I can see where they’re coming from — it isn’t their responsibility to “process” what it brought up, but I feel like they ignored the possibility of the littler things that don’t have to get into the weeds to help. When they said the therapist thing, it feels like they were deflecting from that possibility.

I think that them feeling defensive/accused is part of what happened — I tried to be as gentle and kind about it as possible, but it might not’ve worked. Yeah, I guess I haven’t really thought of communication incompatibility (or incompatibility in general) that much around friendships, since my relatively longer friendships have had problems but are amazingly compatible in a lot of ways.
I feel frustrated because when things are going well with this friend, it’s fun and often close in a way that feels good, but when it goes bad it sucks in an unusually upsetting way (ie, I don’t usually dissociate, and I also didn’t feel psychologically safe, which I told them), (and there have been a few previous things that I haven’t felt able to bring up to them).
We also have matching identities that some of my other friends don’t have, which I think is part of why is friendship feels important to me, and maybe why it’s so particularly upsetting that they don’t seem to “get” me.

Just… ugh.

~A parentheses girl in a period world~ (I don’t really know what this means lol, I just think it sounds funny),
- AQ

[CaitlinEve]

Hey AQ,

Ugh is right! I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It can really, really suck when a relationship doesn't line up the way it feels like it should, whether it be romantic or platonic. Your feelings ARE valid. But just because you have matching identities doesn't mean that you have to match up in everything. Many people in the world are like you and even though it may suck if this particular relationship doesn't become what you want it to be, it wouldn't be something that reflects poorly on you personally.

[Asking Queries]

Hi CaitlynEve.

Thanks for saying this, it’s hard to get out of the mindset of me or them doing something wrong, so the reminder is good. For reasons (which I don’t wanna say for privacy reasons) me and them have some similarities which my other friends don’t have, and I don’t know how likely I am to find those in other people.

More generally (asking everyone, not just you), I’m wondering whether people think this friendship is doomed or whether it can be improved and be something good. Of course that’s a difficult question, but I’m wondering whether you folks see anything particularly concerning or reassuring.

- AQ

[Jacob]

Hey AQ,

I think it'd be pretty rare for us to say any friendship is certifiably doomed, most things are redeemable if that's what both people want, which in the case of broken trust, may not be so, but in the case of your friendship I'd say it sounds like your common ground is still there, even if all the ways you'd like to communicate are not.

Indeed they sound like they were defensive, but I'm also hearing them state (in the midst of them saying some things that I too would find hurtful) some of their own limits around how much they're willing to offer. Like, they'll hear you and modify their language when asked, have also been clear that deep acknowledgement and comfort wasn't something they are offering in the friendship or feel responsible for, which strictly speaking they aren't, though I think they probably could have been kinder in how they said it, but I know I have plenty of friendships where that kind of conversation would be nigh on impossible to have, I just know that we care about each-other and while they can help me with somethings they can't help me with others.

I do think it's worth respecting that limit around what they are offering the friendship and asking yourself if this can be a different kind of friendship, where you share and enjoy somethings but other areas of intimacy or feelings of resolution are not as present as they are in your other closer friendships. I think that's your call to make, and either conclusion would be fair in my eyes... so however you go with this I don't think you'd be doing them wrong.

I know that a definitive "yes it's doomed" could be a kind of comfort, because then it's not you making the choice, but I think it's good for all of us to be conscious of the active choices we're making and remember that we're allowed to make those choices.