Scarleteen

My boyfriend(18) and I(18) have been together for over a year, and haven’t had sex or even anything under the belt at all yet and I feel like he’s telling me he wants to but I don’t know if he is and if he is, I’m terrified.

He’s been making comments alluding to his size(which kinda make me uncomfortable tbh- I don’t know why), and a couple of weeks ago he wanted me to take off my shirt and bra(which also made me feel really uncomfortable, which was weird because we’ve been together for so long at this point, I guess I thought it should’ve felt normal), he’s also asked about if he could go into my pants with his hands and I said I didn’t feel comfortable with that yet…

I know it’s both of our first relationship, but he wants to do more, and I feel really weird about it. I dont know why it feels so weird to me, like almost viscerally uncomfortable. After the first time he felt up my chest(he asked and I said yes so that’s not why), I felt kind of disgusted with my self after and cried, I don’t know why, I was okay with it in the moment but after I felt really badly. Hes been doing almost every time we make out and I’m fine with it now but it was weird. I also don’t know if I really like making out with him, it feels like he’s just crushing my face and making my face all slimey, I think there might be something wrong with be because of how weirded out I am by all of this.

But he’s been saying he wants to go further physically, but it wigs me out, I mean I love getting to cuddle with him and be close in that way, but I’m scared to go down a more physical route or go beneath the belt… I don’t know why I’m so scared of it. I guess I was raised in a catholic home so it might be that, or some memories of things my mentally handicapped brother did to me(I rember somethings but nothing that would really make me that scared of it), I mean I do rock climbing and cliff diving, I don’t get why I’m so scared of going further.

What should I do? Why am I so freaked out by it? What do I tell my boyfriend? Should I just let him go further then stop him if it feels like too much?

I don’t really even love making out, I know my boyfriend does and I guess I do it because he likes to, do I just carry that forwards and if it gets to be too much I just stop it?

Idk if that means I’m not physically attracted to him or what, I mean I love who he is as a person, but I don’t know if I’m physically into him or not…

Hi Chrysanthemumm! Welcome to our boards.

I'm so sorry to hear that this has been stressing you out and that you've felt pressured to do sexual things you don't enjoy. I have a couple of things I want to say in response to what you wrote, but the first and most important one is that there's nothing wrong with you for not enjoying the things that you've done with your boyfriend and it's normal that you don't want to keep doing things that you haven't enjoyed.

I hear that you're trying to figure out why you might be uncomfortable with doing sexual things with your boyfriend — you're not sure if it's about whether you're attracted to him, his behavior, or things you've learned about or experienced about sex in the past. I am happy to talk with you about any or all of those things and we can try to figure out together what might be causing your feelings. But I also want you to know that you don't have to figure out the reason in order to say no. Not wanting to have sex or make out with or touch or be touched by your boyfriend is a good enough reason to say no.

I think a good place for us to start is with this article: Don't Want to Have Sex? That article has links to a couple of other articles that I think will help you out too, but I don't want to overwhelm you! So let's start with just one. How about you read it and let me know what you think about it? Are there any parts of it that feel like they're talking about your relationship or your feelings about sex?

Okay, so o read the article, and I think maybe sort of it was being brought up in a catholic household, I rember having the talk with my grandmother and basically being told that I’d ruin myself and I guess be “unclean” if I did, and I guess maybe that’s scared me a lot about it. I think maybe also the part about not being the most body confident, I had some issues with eating disorders when I was younger(just one of the many joys of gymnastics lol), so that might be why too.

I guess the whole thing makes me feel somewhat disgusting and I’m not sure if that would be because of the whole catholic thing or if that would be associated with asexuality…

And for the not enjoying stuff I’ve done with my boyfriend, I guess I’m not sure if it’s impart because we’re both bad at it and it’s strange or if it’s something else. But thank you for your feedback back and help so far.

Hey there Chrysanthemumm,

I hear you that you’re not sure if these feelings are related to growing up Catholic or being asexual. I do think, regardless of why this is happening, if you are uncomfortable and don’t want to do something sexual with your boyfriend for *any reason*, you shouldn’t have to do that thing. I just wanted to mention that because as we discuss where these feelings might be coming from, I don’t want you to feel like you *need* to become comfortable with doing sexual activities with your boyfriend that you don’t want to do. How does hearing that make you feel?

Honestly a lot better, but I guess I still fell weird, I genuinely want to know why I’m feeling this way

Hey chrysanthemumm,
I hear you, it can be strange to not know where a particular feeling is coming from! Feelings around sex are especially hard to pin down because we get so many conflicting messages from different sources. It may take a while to figure out where this comes from - don't feel pressured to rush and find the 'why' immediately.

Is this something you can talk about with someone in your life? Too, have you talked with your boyfriend about what you're feeling?

I’ve tried talking to him about it in December, he then said that he felt like we weren’t going anywhere then but he was okay with it, but I guess it didn’t feel like that in the moment. I’ve talked to my best friend about it but we’re such different people to where it’s hard to really compare, but talking is always good

Hi chrysanthemumm!

It sounds like you're trying to understand yourself as best you can within this relationship, and I totally feel your struggle especially when trying to pick apart your own desires and fears and work out where they come from.

However, what feels very loud and clear is that you've been uncomfortable around sexual activities, and touching which your boyfriend initiated, and that many of those experiences, and their aftermath have been deeply upsetting for you. Whatever the underlying factors might be, asexuality, sexually conservative upbringing, or the bad dynamics between you (it's probably a cocktail of them all) - these interactions have been something you have not wanted, and definitely have not enjoyed.

So if we put the reasons aside, maybe we can talk about what we can do to make sure you're not going through that anymore. I really really don't want you to be going through something like this, and certainly not any longer.

Do you think as a start you can take sexual touching allll the way off the table between you and your boyfriend?

You said in your post he still touches you in ways you didn't like but have gotten used to, can we make that stop?

Then I wonder if you'd consider what you think you would need to recover from things having already gone further than you wanted. How do you feel now that that has happened? Could a break from the relationship be useful?

Is there any help we can give you if you want to take bigger steps like that but which would be scary/difficult?

I'm thinking of you and hoping you're o.k!