Jealousy: Making Friends With a Green-Eyed Monster

[Heather]

'Let Jealousy be your teacher. Jealousy can lead you to the very places where you most need healing. It can be your guide into your own dark side and show you the way to total self-realization. Jealousy can teach you how to live in peace with yourself and with the whole world if you let it.' ~ Deborah Anapol, Love Without Limits

I close my car door and I breathe out deeply. It’s dark. The car is lit by nothing by nothing but moonlight, but I can still see my breath. It’s a deep breath. I feel settled and safe.

I just dropped off my partner’s lover at their house.

I spent the last hour talking to her, getting to know her better. She’s beautiful. She's smart, sweet and thoughtful. Our conversation flows. It’s a little awkward, but it does flow. Like a toddler learning to walk, leaning against something, seeing if it’s stable; testing if it can be trusted.

I have been polyamorous for seven years. This means, put simply, that my romantic and sexual relationships are not emotionally or sexually monogamous or exclusive. I have relationships that allow me a great deal of romantic, emotional and sexual freedom: relationships that I feel value my friendships deeply and seek to blur the line between friend and lover. It also means that just because I’m in love with someone doesn’t mean I can’t fall in love with someone else, have sex with someone else or go on dates with someone else. It also means that the freedom I have, I my partners have, too. We hold each other’s hearts with as much kindness, patience and love as we can – and we support and encourage each other to share that love with people other than just the two of us.

Sharing my heart and body in this way has led me to seek out and develop skills for navigating and managing jealousy. I have watched my partners fall in love with someone else in front of me, even as they denied it. I have done that to people I care about, too. I have had a lover drop my hand in public, to hide that we were together so someone else might notice them. I’ve kissed a girl, had my heart swell, and had the kiss erased because, “you know, kissing a girl just doesn’t count.”

I have had my heart swell with jealousy so many times. It’s even happened to me in the last few hours.

I want you to remember as you read this, as you tend to your heart, that this is a practice, learning to experience jealousy and to be okay with it and learning to manage it ably. It is a skill, and like most, takes time to learn. It requires patience, love and kindness: to others but, most importantly, towards yourself. I’m writing this article and I still need reminders about these skills. Lessons of our hearts are mighty tender, and often challenging, business. Be gentle with yourself.

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