Dating someone mentally ill, how do I know when it gets unhealthy

[Tonyy0504]

Hello, this is my first time posting on here. I've been with my partner for a little over a year now, but in the past couple of months or so it has been really stressful. Both them and I have our own individual issues (we both have anxiety) and they seem to have been spiraling a lot, especially in the past couple of months, and I find myself to be the person they run to when they're stressed. I don't mind because I always try to be there for people but the problem lays in how I feel towards this. I find myself to be a people pleaser, along with being the designated "therapist friend", and I feel so stressed when I'm there for them especially because when they are not in a good state of mind they ignore everything I say and it turns into a cycle of them making incredibly irrational decisions and then apologizing to me. I tried to speak my mind on how I feel about them, but because they have a low self-esteem, they begin to blame everything on themselves when I just wanted to fix the problem and the cycle of me having to comfort them all over again continues. I want to help them to the best of my ability, I really do, and I know that they are in therapy which is helpful, but I feel like I'm slowly losing myself, and I'm always on edge because I feel as if I have to anticipate the next time they start to have another episode. I also feel like I have no one to talk to about my feelings and I just feel overall so lonely sometimes in this relationship. I don't know what to do because I feel like they've been getting better this month but it seems like they're going back into the state they were in around two months ago and I'm getting so anxious at the thought of me trying to uplift them knowing I can't really fix them. I feel so stuck and I don't know what to do in this relationship because I really do love them but I don't know how I'm supposed to set boundaries and communicating with them about how I feel without them immediately blaming themself and blowing everything out of proportion.

[KierC]

Hey Tonyy0504, and welcome to the boards <3

I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been feeling so alone in this dynamic, but I am glad you’re here to talk about it. Being the therapist friend in friendships and relationships can be a big ask of one person, and you deserve a space to talk about how this all makes you feel. It sounds like you’ve been doing a lot of comforting and reassuring for your partner recently which is a kind thing to do for them, but I hear you that it’s getting more intense and stressful when you’re the primary person they go to in moments of crisis, and when talking to them about it results in them blaming themself. In relationships, it’s okay to find that it’s not 50/50 every moment of the day, but sometimes it’ll be 60/40 in someone’s direction who needs more help that day. But, as you’re describing, when it gets to the point where one partner is doing the majority of the emotional lifting on a more routine basis, it can result in some pretty bad feelings and the development of an unhealthy dynamic.

I have a couple questions first to get a better sense of the situation. How does you and your partners external support system look like apart from each other? Specifically, does your partner have friends or people to go to in times or crisis that are not you, that you could encourage them to reach out to as well?

I also want to send this article we have, How To Clash With Love: Some Conflict Resolution Basics, it offers a great how-to for conflict resolution and talking about tough stuff with a partner. Does going through that article give you some ideas about talking to your partner about this where they might react less defensively? Just to be clear, I’m not saying you have a problem with communication at all, but sometimes when a partner gets reactive to what we say, it can be really helpful to approach things with all the good communication tools we have available. How does that sound to you to start?

[Tonyy0504]

Hello, thanks for the article. Apart from each other, it seems like their support system is rather small, they have friends but they don't like talking to them because according to them, their friends "aren't as supportive in the way (they'd) like them to be", so they usually almost always turn to me. I'm trying to set boundaries with them in regards to seeking help but whenever they seem like they're freaking out even if it's over something small like being upset that they forgot something at home or something isn't working out for them that day my brain just... automatically goes to take care of them without a thought for myself and the repercussions of it later (I'm trying to be nice and say that me taking care of them is okay, but I think it seems to be doing more damage than good for me because it feels like I'm always rushing to take care of them).

[Andy]

Hi there Tonyy0504,

thank you for all the details, it is really helpful. I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation, I have been in a really similar one more than once and I know it can get really difficult. I will try to think of things that helped me and hopefully some of it will be useful to you as well.

Firstly, I would like to ask how do you feel asking your partner for support and help? I’m asking because I think at least part of the stress in situations like this can come from not feeling like you have the right to ask for or accept support, or even the other person not being used to and willing to provide it. That doesn't mean that they have to be there for you when they don’t feel up to it but making sure you can feel comfortable asking for what you need regarding both support and boundaries should you need it can go a long way. Let us know if you want advice on how to bring this up with your partner!

Secondly, what really helped me was making it clear when I am available and when not and finding ways to stick to that even when I found it hard. This could for example look like muting my notifications when I was at school/work or went to sleep or even when I was just tired. Important part of this for me was working with the other person to establish a plan how they can get the support they might need even when I’m not available, like contacting other people or a helpline. It helped me relax and take some of the imagined responsibility off my shoulders. After all, they will always be times when we aren’t available to help our close ones so establishing how they can get help themselves can be really useful for them as well.

Lastly, as Kier mentioned, having other people in one’s support system is really important and I’m sorry to hear you partner doesn’t feel comfortable asking their friends for help. Have they mentioned how exactly would they want their friends to be supportive? I’m wondering if maybe specifying it and talking about this with the said friends might be helpful because it might just be that they would like to help but just don’t know how to best do that.

Does anything here like it might be helpful? We can certainly discuss any of these ideas more or brainstorm some others.

I also want to say that it’s really nice that you are trying to be there for your partner but it is also great that you were able to recognize that it is starting to worn you out and are searching for way to make it better for both of you. It can be really hard to balance taking care of other and ourselves, especially for those of us being on the taking care side more often, so I think it’s great that you are thinking and talking with us about it!

[Tonyy0504]

Hi, thanks for the advice Andy, I'll try to implement the tips you put in. To answer your first question, I usually don't go to my partner for help. Whenever I express my feelings (that have nothing to do with them most the time, by the way) they automatically think it is about themselves. It can be really stressful. I also have tried to go to them for help and most the time they don't know what to say, which makes me feel a bit awkward and lonely again. One time we had an argument about it and they told me that they aren't as good at comforting people as I am and that made me realize that no one would be there for me the same way I am there for others. Sometimes they can be helpful though, other times I find that it's really hard to talk to them because it seems like I end up comforting them when I need the comforting in that moment because they think that they're the problem, etc. They've talked to their friends about how they want them to be supportive and I don't know how they're dealing with it now. I don't know things can just be really hard with them sometimes. But I love them. It hurts honestly. I don't know what to do

[KierC]

Hi Tony,

I’m glad to hear what Andy said was helpful. It sounds like not being able to go to your partner for support, combined with being the only person your partner goes to for support, has left you feeling hurt. It can be really painful when you feel like you can’t talk about how you feel, I hear you there. When you say you can’t really go to your partner with this often, do you have other people you go to for support? I think it’s a good idea that your partner is working with their friends to seek more support, that should put some weight off of you. But it sounds like you might need some more support as well. <3

One more question: Have you spoken with them about feeling like you can’t go to them for support?

[Tonyy0504]

Hello,

Yes, I do have other people to turn to. It just sometimes hurts because I want comfort from them specifically and I can't get that. I have spoken to them but they've told me that when I do they never really know what to say. It honestly hurts.

Just today they confided in me with something regarding their mental health (they're in denial about having ADHD) and I talked to them about it and it honestly worried me because it seems like even though they're going to therapy they don't want to seek help for this specific thing and they'd rather "shove it to the back of their head" then get a diagnosis and seek help. It honestly really hurt seeing them say that they'd rather hate themselves for the rest of their life than to NOT be in denial about this. I told them that hating themselves continuously is not going to do any good to them or their relationships, and after having that conversation it made me realize how I really, REALLY don't want to be in a relationship with someone who'll just continuously hate themselves because I feel like it damages our relationship and our dynamic. But at the same time, I want them to change. I've seen them change before but it's just so hard to witness all this I feel as if I myself am also headed to a direction where I'm having the same mindset as them again.

[aarija]

Hi Tonyy,
First of all, I am really sorry that you find yourself in this situation. I have been in your place before and can share what I learned from that experience.

I hear that you really love this person and want to support them through their struggles. At the same time, you don't feel like you are getting the support you need from your partner. When you seek support from them, they tend to make it about themselves and you end up supporting them at a time when you need some comfort. Too, it seems like they are not ready or willing to seek the help that they need at this time.

There's a couple things I took away from being in a similar spot. They may feel a bit selfish, but that's not always a bad thing:

1) You can't help others before you help yourself. Putting the needs of others above your own has its time and place, but doing it on a regular basis, especially with an intimate partner, is just not sustainable. The metaphor I really like is 'you can't pour from an empty cup.' From your posts, it seems like you are feeling drained and that is so valid. I encourage you to think about what you need to do to start restoring yourself.

2) You can only do so much for people who are not ready to lift their share of the burden. If your partner is not doing the work they need to do, there's not a lot you can do to bring about sustainable change in how you two interact. It seems like they aren't hearing you when you express your needs or concerns, or they are deflecting responsibility away from themselves. That is incredibly unfair to you. Reciprocity is vital to a healthy relationship and it doesn't sound like there is much of that happening here.

3) I am not going to say that you don't owe them anything, because I think we all owe each other at least some humanity. But you don't owe them the rest of your life, especially if they're going down a path of self hate that you know will continue damaging the relationship. Ultimately, the dynamic you've described tends to build a lot of resentment for the person doing the care work (you) and increased insecurity and anxiety for the person needing support. It is a cycle that can be very difficult to break out of. You are not obligated to stick around and help change this person and I encourage you to think about how much you're willing to give before walking away.

I know that some of what I shared feels cold or uncaring - we are raised to put others above ourselves and it can feel wrong to put your own needs first, especially when someone you love needs help. But caring for yourself is the first step to caring for others.

You asked how you can tell when a relationship is getting unhealthy and I think the way you're feeling right now is a clear indicator of an unsustainable dynamic. At the very least, I encourage you to take a bit of space from your partner and get some breathing room. If that is something you want help navigating, I'm happy to talk more about it with you.

This was a lot and I'll stop now to let you sit with this.

One last thing: You do deserve someone who can comfort you the way you comfort other people, and I promise there are people out there who can do that for you.