Scarleteen

I've been pretty sure I was ace for a long time because I never felt any desire for sex, read smut, or found anyone "hot" in the way that people describe it. Lately, though, I feel like that may have changed? Sometimes when I see someone in a pose/outfit that's sexual or suggestive I sort of "appreciate" it, like I think it looks nice and maybe sort of feel something, but I'm not sure what that feeling is. I guess you could probably say that I think they're hot? But the part that's confusing to me is that even when I think that, it never becomes "I want to have sex with them" or even "I would have sex with them." I guess a way of phrasing it would be like, I get feelings without desire, or find someone attractive without being attracted to them. I'm pretty sure that puts me *somewhere* on the ace spectrum, I'm just... Unsure of where.
Some added context though is that I've always had a sort of obsession, in the clinical sense, around my orientation. Like I'll spend hours trying to dissect my feelings to figure out if I'm "really" a lesbian, "really" ace, stuff like that. I don't want to self diagnose but when I heard about SO-OCD it honestly felt like me. Not sure how relevant that is here, though.
Anyways... Yeah. Feelings but no desire, finding someone attractive but not being attracted to them-- what does it mean?

Hi Mari! Attraction and other similar feelings can be really confusing, especially when they're new. I'm going to try to break down the different parts of your question and we'll see if we can figure it out together.

The first thing I want to say is that I think that it's actually pretty common to feel some kind of appreciation/attraction/sexual "spark" towards someone without going so far as actually wanting to have sex with them. I think this is especially true when you haven't had much or any sexual experience. Some people might say "how could I want to have sex with this person if I don't know what having sex with them might be like??" Some people who think that way might consider themselves to be asexual or demisexual, but others might consider themselves to be allosexual. Other people might not even think about it in terms of their orientation at all and just consider it some interesting information about what kind of feelings they can experience!

When it comes to questioning a label or orientation, I think that the most important thing is to pay close attention to how you *feel* about that label. Sometimes when I'm trying to figure out how I feel about something, I do a little thought experiment, like this: first, imagine that I responded to your question by saying "Mari, you are 100% definitely on the ace spectrum, I'm sure of it!" Can you imagine how it might make you feel to hear that? Would it feel reassuring or validating? Or maybe it might feel disappointing or frustrating? Then, do the thought experiment again, imagining that I responded by saying "Nope, that doesn't sound anything like asexuality!" How might that make you feel?

Honestly, I really hate the idea of not being ace. It doesn't feel right. But I'm not sure if that's some sort of internalized prejudice on my part, you know?
Honestly I've been stressing about my labels on and off for literally two years, so I'm sort of wondering if I'll ever come to some sort of conclusion

Hey mari!

I don't know if this would help you but I wonder if you need to come to a 'conclusion' as you put it. It's okay for our orientation and our preferences to shift, and it's okay to identify with a word that you relate with some of the time if not all of the time. Just like your personality, or your knowledge are never concluded (there's always ways we change, and new things we learn) maybe your relationship with asexuality and ace identity doesn't need an endpoint either?

I'm also wondering, what about being ace would you say feels good to you, and are there are some parts of it you would miss more than others if that was no longer a part of your identity?

Maybe there are some parts you can keep, and some parts you can toss, and some bits in between you can explore more?