Scarleteen

(the original thread)

I so agree, thank u so much for making this post, I actually feel seen.

I really don’t know what to do. Everytime my boyfriend stimulates my clitoris, it feels so overwhelming and intense after about 5 seconds that I can’t take it anymore. It gets way too intense but it’s not a good intense, it’s bad. Sometimes I suddenly get the need while he’s doing that for him to put his fingers in, so he would and then after a minute it would feel too intense that I can’t take it anymore. I would feel like I have to piss but apparently this means you’re close to orgasm, but it’s so uncomfortable that I can’t do anything, It’s really not a nice feeling. We’ve tried clit stimulation over my clothes and that still feels too intense.

With dry humping, It doesn’t stimulate my clit but the idea of it just feels nice.

With penetration, the idea of it going “in and out” is nice but it just feels like it’s happening and it’s like “okay that’s happening it’s whatever”.

I’ve also never masturbated by myself, and don’t want to, so that wouldn’t be an option, but that still wouldn’t solve my issue. I want to feel some sort of nice pleasure but I just can’t and it’s annoying me. Even when I try and relax, it doesn’t work and it gets too intense and overwhelming.

Does anyone have any tips or anything I can do because my boyfriend feels like he’s doing something wrong, when I just think that I’m the problem.

Hi Bubble!

I split your topic from the original thread because that ones over a year old and you have your own questions! But I'm really happy that you felt seen and could relate to what was posted there!

I'm sorry to hear about the the trouble you're having though! It sounds like you've tried a few things... I'd say that it's really good you've recognised what feels uncomfortable and not nice. I don't think there's any reason to think that the "need to pee" feeling is a good thing, if for you it isn't, so I'd continue to listen to yourself with that and as with all the things that have felt bad, I'd avoid it.

Maybe the places to explore more are the ones that feel more 'neutral'? I also wonder if going slower and longer with the stuff that's leading to the "too intense" feeling could keep you from feeling overwhelmed while trying to find a gentler medium?

All of these however are going to be things that you try for yourself, with or without your partner.

I do know that masturbation is a way that many people learn more about what feels good for them, so I'm interested in why for you you think it wouldn't help? Is there anything particular about the idea of masturbation that turns you off or is it just more of a general preference?

In a previous post split from this one, it was asked to the OP “With the clitoral stimulation feeling good and then suddenly feeling not good, have you noticed that tends to align with other bodily reactions like your legs spasming?”

This happens to me! It feels so intense that I absolutely need my partner to stop. I’ve never pushed through it to see if I can orgasm though. Because my legs shake and it’s just so much. What does this mean? I’ve never had orgasm with a partner. Only solo with a toy.

Hey there.

With that orgasm with the toy, did that feel too intense, too? Or did only a kind of sex you had with a partner feel like that?

Toys are fine and never feel overwhelming for me. It’s only when my partner is doing the clitoral stimulation. I hate having to stop but it’s just a weird feeling. I’ve never been able to “finish” with a partner.

Hi Hdrjgirl,

So, clitoral stimulation with your partner feels overwhelming… you have to stop afterwards, and your legs spasm… I wonder if you are experiencing an orgasm with your partner, just one that is different from the ones you have on your own. At its core, an orgasm is the release of tension that has been built up in the body. It is often accompanied my muscle spasms, and many people need a break afterwards, but it doesn’t have to feel the same in different situations, or even during different sessions. Nor does it have to feel especially good, despite how we usually think of orgasms.

If that is the case, we could talk about how you might make sex with your partner feel more satisfying. Would you like that?

It also may be you need to communicate with your partner and ask them to try doing whatever it is they are differently. Are you doing that already, or are you basically just having them do whatever they want to/think you like without saying anything or asking for any adjustments?

Yes! I would love ideas to try with my partner.

I can absolutely do that, but I'll need to know some about what's actually happening and what hasn't been. Can you start by answering the questions I asked in my last reply?

If that felt confusing, try this: how do you two decide on what your partner and you do together in terms of sexual activities? And when you are engaging in those activities, are you telling them with words what feels good and what doesn;t, what you want and what you don't, and also helping them make any adjustments you need (like telling them if you want something done less directly, more gently, faster or slower, with or without a toy, with more lube, etc)?

We don’t really decide and no I’ve never said what feels good and what doesn’t. I guess because I don’t know how to communicate that it feels okay/good but it’s just SO intense.

Okay! So, while this hadn't been good news, because that's just not the way to have mutually satisfying sex with anyone, is IT good news in that what's been missing is totally doable and likely will solve this whole problem.

For example: if you know what works for you with a toy, you can share that with your partner and incorporate the toy, have him see how you use the toy to figure out how to do some things without it in ways that feel better to you, or both! If you TELL him it feels too intense, and you two talk as you experiment to try and find what actually feels just right, you'll be able to figure that out together. And, without deciding what to do together, the sex you have had will have barely even been consensual, and actual, real consent in the mix always, always improves things.

How do you feel about starting this whole big change by asking for some time for you two to talk about the sex you have been having, and have a talk where you talk about how, moving forward, this will go better for you both if you talk about what you want to do and actively decide together what that will be, then check in with each other when you're doing things to ask how things feel, and then share with each other how that is, including information to help you both better enjoy yourselves -- like, "Can you put on some more lube?" or "Can we switch to doing something different for a bit?" or "Can you use my toy here while you touch me there with the other hand?" or "That feels too intense for me, can you try slowing down and being a little more soft?"

You might also want to look together at something like this: Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist.

You can use it to talk about things you each do and don't (or might or might not) want to try, and can also talk about HOW you do or might like to do those things more specifically (for example, let's say you want to try oral sex, but you want your partner to start by experimenting gently with both their fingers and their mouth while you tell them what feels good and doesn't).

You might also find this article helpful: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/relatio ... ex-partner

How does all this sound?

I cannot thank you enough for this. I will definitely be reading what links you posted and discussing this in depth with him. Thank you so much.