Scarleteen

I really don’t want to make this too long/ too nonsensical but i’m finally coming to ask for advice/comments after browsing different forums here and struggling with my sexuality and sexual health for years.

to make a long story short due to growing up in an abusive household and going through puberty young i was a hyper sexual preteen/teenager (she/her). i think i used it as an escape/a way to connect with someone when i wasn’t receiving any care at home. it never went all the way to penetration until i was in highschool but still i was exposed to way more than i should have been doing from 13-15. thankfully i had the mind to use protection once that time did come. i’m providing this as context because part of me feels like this is where the body dysmorphia comes from.

currently im twenty three and have only been sexually intimate with one person since graduating hs (five years ago now) because somehow after graduating highschool i became completely disconnected from my vulva. i have never really enjoyed masturbation and whenever i do it feels more like a forced stress relief than actual arousal/enjoyment.
the one person i was intimate with was another female and we didn’t do much other than kissing/heavy petting while unclothed and it truly was out of this world. i realized i found the female figure and body on other women to be one of the most arousing and beautiful things! but when it comes to myself i feel so much discomfort.

now to get to my current issue.
i met this guy a couple months ago and we started out as friends but began to really bond. he isn’t my typical “type” per se and ive considered myself pretty much completely uninterested in men for the last five years as i’ve only gone on dates with women since becoming an adult. this caught me by surprise and i trust him a lot and he has always respected my boundaries and the pace i wanted to take this so i really do want to explore this further with him.

after hanging out a lot without anything happening, things naturally took a turn about a week ago. I don’t know if this is important to mention or not but he did tell me he’s never kissed or been with anyone ever. i was surprised by this because he is twenty seven so quite a bit older than me but he explained it was largely due to being insecure about his weight.

anyways, we got started just by kissing a bit and being touchy. i realized i enjoyed having him touch me pretty much everywhere but once he got close to down there and tried to rub me outside of my pants i immediately felt that anxiety rise up again and just kept directing his hands back to my chest. he asked how far i wanted to take things and i asked if we could just keep it at what we had been doing and not going any farther. he absolutely respected this but i didn’t explain truthfully why i didn’t want to go further. i just said that i wasn’t prepared for this to happen that night (which is true i really wasn’t but i digress) part of me worries that im romantically attracted to him but that i might not be sexually attracted/aroused by male genitalia possibly as a trauma response? i also don’t want to ruin his first time by being high maintence or having high anxiety/boundaries/rules etc.

does anyone have any advice on how to approach being sexually intimate with a man when i can hardly stand the idea of opening up my legs for intercourse? how do i ease myself into this instead of going straight to penetration? part of me feels like i could deal with penetration but i don’t know if i could receive oral or anything like that right away.

why do i feel so disconnected? is this normal? am i gay? i just have so many unanswered questions and i don’t know how to go about this at all….

any help at all is greatly appreciated and if any further context/clarification is needed i’m happy to expand.

thank you all!

Hi thecrowprincess, and welcome to the boards!

No worries at all about the post length, it isn’t too long and makes a lot of sense to me. I appreciate the context you’ve given us.

From the experience you described, it sounds like you’re sexually comfortable with women. I’d say that’s an important feeling to remember, but at the same time it doesn’t preclude you from exploring this connection with the guy you’re getting to know, especially if you enjoy being with him and want to explore the connection! It sounds like he has respected your boundaries, too, which is always good to hear. Genital intimacy or intercourse doesn’t need to be a part of your connection with this guy if you don’t want it to be, and it doesn’t make you high maintenance to ask to not go further. These feelings are a part of you and they’re important to express.

With regard to how to handle sexual intimacy with the guy, I think a good way to approach this is with the mindset that *if* you become comfortable to do that, that’s cool! But if it doesn’t become comfortable or emerge as a desire of yours, that’s also cool. It’s also okay if you explore with this person and then realize you want to explore connections with women more.

Some things you can do to see if this might emerge as a desire is talk to him about this and how you’re feeling. As you continue to explore intimacy with this new person, your feelings and desires may change, but I think that is more likely to occur when you’re putting the least amount of pressure on yourself to get there. How does that all sound to you?