are some people just not good at conversation? (this is a rant.)

[elliohnnie]

i've consistently noticed that a certain type of people are bad at entertaining conversation and just cannot ask about the other person.

i've been trying to date for a few years now, took it seriously recently. had zero romantic relationships before, what i've noticed while talking to (mostly cisgender guys) these people is that they come out pretty self-centred when talkative and uninterested when quiet. i am not making any generalisation!! this is my own experience, obviously, but does that happen to other people as well?

i'm gay so i try to have romantic relationships with other guys. when we talk, the other guy never asks me about me, when i'm the one speaking they barely nod or let me finish and when they talk they're the centre of the world and can't even bother to ask me "what about you?"
that happens too with relatives a lot as well, either they feign interest or just straight up talk about themselves.

maybe i just found only terrible people, but i'm feeling fed up nonetheless. i think this also comes from the fact that i'm pretty feminine and they can be a bit misogynistic ?

is it that they genuinely lack skill and i'm being mean (in that case i am very sorry if i offended anyone) or do they just not have interest in anything other than themselves?

[Sofi]

Hi elliohnnie,

To answer your last question there - I don't know, because I don't know these people; BUT it could be a few different things. Sure, maybe they have no interest in anyone or anything else other than themselves, that's a possibility. Also could be a lack of social and communication skills like you said - for example, I am autistic, and I had to learn and force myself to ask people questions because it didn't come naturally to me. If I was asked something, I answered, and didn't realize I was supposed to ask back. Sometimes that's the case with people who interact this way in conversations. It could also be they are shy and/or don't want to pry, or they've had a bad experience with people saying they ask too many questions or are used to being around people who don't like being asked about personal stuff.

Ultimately, the reason can only be determined by having an honest conversation with them about it. You can kindly state your feelings, using more "I" than "you" so they don't feel like you're attacking them - something like "hey, I'm really interested in getting to know you better, but I've noticed when we're talking it sometimes feels one-sided. at times I feel unheard when I'm speaking, and the lack of follow-up questions makes me feel like you're not interested in getting to know me. is that the case?" and just letting them explain their side. Perhaps some of them really are self-centered, or bad at listening (a common stereotype for men, and unfortunately true often enough that I'm not ruling it out), but it's nice to give people the benefit of the doubt instead of jumping into the worst assumptions. There ARE men out there who care to listen attentively and ask questions to get to know you, but maybe they don't know HOW because they never have, or have been called out on it so they stopped, or it's just not innately their communication style - who knows.

How does this idea of having an upfront open conversation about it sound?