Scarleteen

Why can’t I reach orgasm during sex? I know that not all women orgasm from vaginal penetration, but I want to know what it feels like. Even when I try to do it myself, I end up giving up midway or lose interest. However, when I press something against my vagina, like a pillow or a vibrator, I feel a buildup of sensation that eventually releases—but I don’t see any cum. I’ve looked up how an orgasm feels, and I think I experience that, but I’m not sure if it’s actually an orgasm. Does this mean I’ve had an orgasm without realizing it?

I also read that clitoral stimulation helps, but I don’t like the tension it creates. Is that just part of the process, and should I push through it?

Hi Julia's, welcome to the boards!

I think it is possible that you have been experiencing orgasms, just ones that don't look the way you expect. You don't have to cum/ejaculate to have an orgasm, and they don't have to feel particularly strong. But a release of built-up tension is characteristic of orgasms.

The nice thing with sex is that most things are optional. We often recommend clitoral stimulation because lots of people haven't tried it, and many people enjoy it once they have. That doesn't mean you have to continue to do it if you don't like how it feels.

When people come here with this sort of question, sometimes what they are looking for is more pleasure during sex in general, not orgasms specifically. Is that what you are interested in?

I’m interested in both—pleasure during sex in general and experiencing orgasm in a more intentional, satisfying way.

I might have been expecting something more intense or obvious, so I wasn’t sure if what I felt counted as an orgasm. I thought I had to ejaculate to know for sure, but I do experience a buildup and release, so maybe I’ve been orgasming without realizing it. Now I’m wondering if the same thing happens during sex.

I also relate to this post viewtopic.php?t=11430, especially with how clitoral stimulation feels too sensitive or overwhelming. Even when my boyfriend tries it gently, I eventually have to stop because it feels like too much. I feel close sometimes but can’t quite reach it.

Whenever he fingers me, I usually stop him because I feel bad that it’s taking too long, even though he reassures me that it’s okay. The same thing happens when I try on my own—I get frustrated or lose interest.

I enjoy sex, but I want to experience that full ‘release’ people talk about. Do you have any advice on how to work through this and explore different ways to orgasm, both alone and with my boyfriend?

Orgasms are portrayed as a big, monumental 'fireworks' moment, but they are different for everybody! They can also differ from one day to another. When comparing yourself and your arousal/climax/orgasm to the portrayals you see in media, it's definitely understandable why it's frustrating and even anti-climatic.

You mention having better outcomes when pressing a pillow against yourself; is it possible that the act of grinding against something (as opposed to something rubbing against you) is what works best for you? Could you translate this into something you and your boyfriend could do (for example, grinding against his thigh)? There are also specific toys designed for this, such as pillows and silicone grinders.

I think the biggest thing for working through this in regards to your boyfriend is communication! This goes both ways, especially in regard to what you mention about fingering. Could you try to let yourself take your time next time to see where it goes? It sounds to me (correct me if I'm wrong, though!) like you stopping him stems from guilt as opposed to being uncomfortable.