Scarleteen

Hi again. For context, In almost all aspects of my life, I want to be in control of basically everything and I am constantly using my brain. But when it comes to romantic relationships, I just want my bf to do everything for me and be in control. And I don’t mean normal control. I mean like I’m just there and he decided what he wants from me and I just give it to him.

I’m a virgin but I have been SA’d a few times (there was never vaginal penetration) The most recent one was a few months ago. I couldn’t remember the full details of it because I was under the influence and I was in therapy because I couldn’t sleep because I would remember something that happened while I was out. I stopped going to therapy because I wasn’t getting those flashbacks anymore but I noticed that my urge to have intercourse has grown even more as well as the fear of being intimate with a man. It’s really confusing. And also I like being forced to do things and I catch myself being a brat sometimes just so I can be forced into apologizing or something. I also like being hit (slapped on my face or my butt), I like being choked and I like being degraded too. I also looked into bondage and something called CNC and they both looked like something I would be interested in doing.

The reason I think this might not be normal is because of (1) the amount of times I’ve been SA’d so there might be trauma there. (2) the confusion between wanting to be sexual but also being scared to do stuff with a man. (3) any time I mention what I like to a friend, they tell me that it’s not normal to feel like that but I know there are other people who like the same things I do.

Is this normal or no? I can never get a straight answer.

Hi Lanabrown!

'Normal' is very subjective! I will say that the kinks you describe are not uncommon; neither is the possibility that trauma has impacted your kinks. When talking about CNC, a lot of SA survivors use it as a way of coping with their trauma. CNC is not abnormal or an inherently bad kink! You may find that consciously giving control to your partner is healing in and of itself, because even though you may not be in charge at face value, you are the one controlling the situation. Does that make sense?

I want to link you to an advice column that touches on these types of kinks. The most important aspect of engaging in these kinks is making sure everybody is safe and that nobody is getting hurt (mentally or physically) without consent. I encourage you to communicate with your partner and develop a safeword or a safety system.

Additionally, since you mention choking I want to provide you with this article, just to make sure you are informed about the act itself!

In reference to your first paragraph, that makes total sense!

I definitely will speak to my partner about developing a safe word and talking about things we both want. I find it easier to please him than it is to please myself though. So that will probably be more for me

Lastly, I will definitely talk to my bf about trying something other than choking. He does give me hickeys on my neck sometimes but it doesn’t give the same feeling as choking and the first time I told him I want him to slap my face he told me he doesn’t hit women lol so that’s probably out of the question. I really do appreciate the articles that you posted. They are really helpful

Hi Lanabrown, I'm glad that the articles Caitlin provided are helpful!

I absolutely agree that having kinks like this is not uncommon at all, both among people who have experienced trauma and those who haven't. In my opinion, the most important thing (after making sure you're being physically safe!) is to pay close attention to how you feel while exploring your kinks and how you feel afterwards. If safely experimenting with these kinks feels fun, hot, enjoyable, fulfilling, etc, that's great! But if it feels fun in the moment but makes you feel bad afterwards, or if it's something you kind of want to do but are also scared about, those are good signs to pause, slow down, and check in with yourself before you do them. Does that make sense?

I just wanted to add a suggestion, Lanabrown: I think that because engaging in this kind of play as a survivor is definitely complicated, if you'r4e going to do it, it probably is best for you to also have a therapist you can be working with at the same time.

As has already been said here, it's always very hard to sort out if we (I'm a survivor, too) want to do some sexual things as a result of abuse -- or as a means of processing or reenacting it -- or not, and that's especially hard if we didn't have a sexual history before abuse to refer to and compare before and after. And much of the time, especially if we're not going to be able to untangle that, it also won't really matter if our desires did or didn't have origin with abuse. What will matter, like Hannah said, is if it's good for us to be engaging in it now in the short and long term, and if the ways we are engaging in it are good for us. Some people find that these ways of being sexual can be healing for them as survivors, some find it's neutral, and others find that it keeps them from healing.

Because of that, I think that if you can get yourself a therapist who is both "kink-aware" (I personally am not a fan of the framework of "kink," I just think it's way too vague and too arbitrary to be useful, but this is the language used among most therapy professionals right now) and trained in working with survivors, it would be a really good idea.

And again, please, for your well-being, stop engaging in ANY choking and make clear to your partner he needs to stop. It is incredible dangerous (I am one of the co-authors of that article linked). It literally puts you at risk of brain damage and death.