How can I rationalise with myself?

[muddy_waters]

Hello! I truly believe I am being irrational saying this, but I am going through the most goofy pregnancy scare of my mildly-active sexual life.

Last time I had protected intercourse ( I define ’protected intercourse’ as ‘used a condom that did not rip, nor leak’) was 4 months ago (November 2024). Back then, I got into a pretty serious car crash and had to be hospitalised for a week, as I became temporarily bed-bound due to some fractures. This is the time I also got put on blood thinners and my period that month was (even though on time) very heavy. Since then, I did have a regular period, both in December (did have some sexual activities in December, but not penetration and absolutely not unprotected - I tend to be super strict about the usage of condoms) and January (even though I must say my January period came 3 days earlier than I had anticipated, yet it was incredibly painful).

Now the issue is, my period was due around the 16th of February, yet, during the specified week, I had the worst chickenpox eruption, with intense febrile episodes and a general feeling of fatigue, being unable to properly feed myself.

!!TMI!! I did end up having some sort of ‘brown discharge’, but thinking back about it, it might have been chickenpox pustules erupting around my genital area, as I had identified the same type of liquid on my clothes.

Now I am on day 43 of my cycle, and there is no sign of menstrual bleeding. I re-started taking the supplements my ob-gyn recommended me (PMS Bleu, they are called, simply some natural supplements that are ought to help with menstrual pain and regulate your hormones), and just tried not to fret too much, but it’s so hard, when the internet is flooded with ’My great-grandmother’s cat’s had previous owner whose brother’s wife had 9 FULL PERIODS and didn’t know she was pregnant.’

Additionally, on my last check-up (October 2024), the ob-gyn I had visited told me I was in pristine health condition.

Help me rationalise with myself.

[Jacob]

Hi there!

Illness including things like chickenpox, along with your health issues for the past month can disrupt your cycle and it could have been that you had a very light period.

Brownish discharge is usually the result of blood that has been around long enough to oxidise and loose it's red color. Do you think that's maybe what happened here, meaning that you'd now be in your next cycle?

(More information about discharge here: Honorably Discharged: A Guide to Vaginal Secretions)

As you haven't had anything happen (in recent memory) that could cause a pregnancy, and have had periods since, I can't think of any way you could be pregnant.

Does that help?

[muddy_waters]

Hello, Jacob!

It's kind of hard to think that I even had a period this month, because the quantity was so reduced, it merely resembled to spotting, the kind I get usually before I am due my period. Thank you so much for the resource on discharge!

About the activities I could have engaged into, that may cause a pregnancy, things are pretty black and white, because me and my partner are doing long distance: we either have intercourse or abstain for months, which is the case currently.

Your answer has been really helpful. Thank you!

[Heather]

Just FYI, you actually can't "regulate hormones." That's common language used in social media and questionable/popular medicine, but it's not actually something supported by science, including because our hormone levels are actually supposed to change all the time, that's normal and just the way our bodies work. There's a lot out there debunking this idea (read: way of selling things to people they don't need), but here's one place to start if you want to know more: https://time.com/6277941/balance-hormon ... cing-myth/

And, looking into the ingredients of that supplement, it's unlikely to do anything for you save cost you money. I'd actually be pretty suspect of an OB/GYN prescribing something like this for anyone, especially someone your age. Evening primrose oil and Vitex, the main components of those supplements, just aren't likely to do *anything* for a 19 year old. It might be a very subtle help for someone around or post-menopause, but even then, there's not science to support that those things are likely to have more than a placebo effect.

[muddy_waters]

Ok, I do slightly feel like an idiot right now, but thank you so much for informing me and helping me save on a lot of money. You guys are super kind!

[Latha]

Oh, don't feel bad! You were just doing as your doctor advised, and this myth is so common that many professionals don't question it. I'm glad this helped!

[muddy_waters]

Hello!

I want to start off by thanking everybody for being so informative and helpful, and for aiding me in feeling understood, validated and respected throughout this journey, filled with shame over having intercourse.

I did some introspection and the prime reason as to why I have this crippling fear of being pregnant is, actually, because I have it so deeply seeded in my subconscious that having intercourse or any form of sexual activity is so morally wrong, so much so that I think the only reasonable punishment is getting pregnant. I hear it a lot that 'it is better to abstain from sexual intercourse if you cannot be responsible over the consequences that may occur', I also tell myself that all the time and it makes me feel held accountable over my actions, even though, if I take a step back, I do not inherently feel repulsive towards what I did, or better put, if my best friend had done the same as I did, I would not judge her - everybody has sex, it is a primary need, and I have been as responsible as I could about it - used a condom, paired it with withdrawal, did not engage within what I believed to be my fertile window.

I will be vulnerable here and say that the 'bleeding' I experienced was linked to pain / irritation I have caused myself because I was obsessively checking, using dry paper towels, to see if there are any signs of menstruation, which had caused stress I should not have subjected myself to.

I have revisited my period-tracking calendar and saw that each of the flows I got were heavy, there was no unusual 'coloration' of the blood, they were also accompanied by pain, for which I had to take more than one over-the-counter pain medication.

In the end, I figured I should calm down, realize I am no stranger to late periods (I have previously experienced 39-40 days cycles) and multiple negative pregnancy tests, and that my body should not be a subject of judgment because it simply doesn't work on the dot all the time. In the meantime, I will try and get back on eating healthy, regularly working out and better planning my life so that stress doesn't get to me.

[AarijA]

hey muddy_waters,
I'm so glad to hear this! proud of you for doing the work of reflecting on your experience and walking away with lessons learned. Your experience is shared by a lot of people who have been conditioned to fear the consequences of sex to a point where they are unable to enjoy it. Because that messaging is so prevalent in our society, it is hard to shake the thought patterns that come with it, even if we know them to be irrational.

It sounds like you're taking all the appropriate measures to enjoy sex in a responsible way. I think your plan moving forward is a good one and I'm glad our team could be of help!

[Heather]

I just wanted to poke my nose in and echo what Aarij said! When I read your last post, I was really glad to see that you were able to identify what's at the root of this for you. That's not always easy, or even something people are willing to do, but it is so, so important. Without identifying what's underneath these kinds of persistent fears, it's pretty impossible to tackle them and turn things around so you don't have to feel so scared all the time.

If you want to talk through this belief with the aim of trying to figure out what your OWN actual values are with sex, and how to attach yourself more to those than what you have absorbed from others, we can totally do that with you.