Scarleteen

It kinda feels like I have a ton of problems and idk how to address them. I guess the simplest one is that I feel super alone. I don’t really have many friends? I have three I guess, but one I feel like I bother too much already(or not bother but sometimes i let it slip that i am not feeling great and i can tell that it upsets him and there’s not much he can do), another i don’t feel close enough to bother, and the third lives with a seven hour time difference. None of them live near me. I tried making an appointment with my college’s counseling services but idk i freaked out last minute and skipped on the first session with no explanation. I can’t talk to my parents because they’re also not doing great and honestly part of the stress. I guess I’d like to know how to make friends or connect with people. Usually I go the whole day without talking to anyone and it kinda sucks. I’m a part of clubs and stuff at school and people seem to like me fine but somehow i always end up in a corner alone? I have no idea how it happens. I guess I’m scared that people won’t want to be around me because it’s been pretty awful in my head for the past two years and I’d almost feel bad exposing others to that lol.

Hey rodya,
I'm sorry that this is what you're experiencing at the moment. Honestly, I think it is becoming more and more common to feel isolated like this, especially as a masculine person. I think the first part of building relationships with others is to have a healthy relationship with yourself. I'm curious about how you spend time you have with yourself? What are your hobbies? What's your ideal day of fun?
You said you're part of clubs at school - why did you pick the clubs you picked? What role do you play in them?

It sounds like you're insecure about being a burden on others. That's a common concern and it shows that you're considering the needs of others, which is a good sign that you will respect people's capacity. It also sounds like you could use some support - there's nothing wrong with building friendships for the purpose of having a support network. That's what friends are for! There are ways to get support from your peers without being a burden. An important step of that is identifying your support needs, so that you can communicate them clearly with your network.

I do think you were on the right track with booking a counseling appointment. Was there anything specific that made you decide to cancel it?

I guess as far as hobbies concerned, I do have a lot of them (reading, writing, drawing, playing guitar, going on hikes and runs, watching movies) I try to keep myself busy and stuff. The main club I’m in isn’t really related to most of this stuff though, honestly i was feeling kinda defeated earlier this year because i got rejected from every school except the one i’m in and wanted to try something that i was “already bad at” so i wouldn’t be as disappointed. But I’m also part of magazines and stuff it’s just that’s all very solitary and when I’m not doing much I get kind of sad. Especially at night, I’ve been having a really hard time sleeping and waking up.

As far as the counseling appointment, it was like an initial screening on a phone call and I really hate phone calls. Idk something about counseling in general irks me which is weird because I’m studying psychology and I guess it being a phone call was too much? I hated the process of setting up the appointment too, I read all of the terms of service and client rights cuz I was nervous.

I do know that a lot of people feel isolated right now, sometimes that makes me feel better but other times it frustrates me because shouldn’t I be able to find them then? I like what you said about identifying what I need to communicate clearly but I don’t really know how.

ok, I'm glad to hear you have some hobbies to keep busy. A great way to make friends is to find other people to do these activities with. Are there clubs at your school that are dedicated to these activities? Are there common areas in your school where you can spend time reading, drawing, or playing guitar? You said there are people who seem to like you from your clubs and other activities. Have you tried inviting them to hang out with you outside of school?

A lot of making new friends is putting yourself out there, which can feel uncomfortable and will take some practice. It is also something that you will have to do a lot over the course of your life, so it's best to start practicing now.

I hear your logic about lowering your own expectations by joining a club for something you're not good at. First of all, good and bad are very subjective and it's usually not helpful to measure ourselves in that way, especially for recreational activity. Secondly, this kind of sounds like punishing yourself for something you didn't have too much control over. Find the clubs whose focus is engaging and fun for you and allow yourself to enjoy the activity.

I know that both phone calls and counseling can be uncomfortable, so the combination of the two doesn't sound fun. I do think that it is a resource worth exploring, which you can come to in your own time.

You would think that it makes sense that isolated people find each other, but if none of them are willing/able to do the work of reaching out to others, or receiving gestures of friendship, then everyone will remain where they are.

As someone who has struggled with all of the things you're talking about here, I will say that the solutions here will all feel uncomfortable. They involve putting yourself out there, being a little vulnerable and being ok with the fact that you won't be everyone's cup of tea. My main piece of advice as you try to make some new friends is this; get comfortable in being uncomfortable - find a way to sit with small discomforts instead of reacting to them.

Does that make sense?