disgust and guilt about what i masturbate to

[maybelle]

hi,
i’m new here, but this seemed like a good place to go to talk about some guilt and shame i’ve been carrying around what i masturbate to, what has aroused me in the past and now, and my habits. this is all only in context of masturbation, reading smut and fanfics. i have ocd, which is probably really important context. oh and i just recently turned 18.

so, i feel incredibly guilty about the things i read and think of sometimes to masturbate. some of those things i have become partially okay with, and some things i never want to think of again.
it’s hard to even say it because i am so, so, so, so scared that these are things i actually want and that i will just continue ‘diving deeper and deeper into taboo topics’
some examples of what i have in the past year masturbated to are: r*pe in fanfics or smut writing, one story of a 19 year old w a 50 year old, monsters, (sometimes like minotaurs) zombies, stuff related to that last one. i feel absolutely disgusting about these. especially the first two and last two. i am so, so scared that i will get into b*stiality or other things. i do not want to think about these things, but sometimes they’re the only things that get me to orgasm. i know that there is no such thing as thought crime, and that i am not hurting people with those things (but i think some of these might be hurting me) but i just feel absolutely awful about these and i wish i hadn’t gotten into these things. i don’t even know if they’re things that actually sexually arouse me or if i have just been compulsively masturbating to orgasm because i’ve been so burnt out for a while (exhausted from school).

to add more context, i think due to my ongoing exhaustion and frustration with that, i have been masturbating a lot more frequently this past year or so. I started to read a lot more smut and watch more porn at the beginning of last year. i really started to explore my sexuality and how i could masturbate. i’m not completely sure when masturbation became a thing that i didn’t actually want to do aside from the pleasure of orgasms, and it started getting in the way of me getting out of bed in the morning or going to sleep. it feels like i’m ‘addicted’ to it in a way. (i know that concept is questionably valid) i do think though that i noticed i started consuming more ‘taboo’ smut like the things mentioned above when it started to feel more compulsive and was negatively affecting my life. i am wondering if it’s something to do with ocd, but if this is stuff that i feel aroused by and then orgasm to is it really that???? i just feel so confused, like a predator, like i need to be locked up and am a horrible person. also another thing that i thought could make it related to ocd is that these are things completely against my values. (except the alien monster type things lol i know that’s a common kink)

also i’m trans and i usually feel dysphoria related to masturbation. often this past year when i’ve felt compelled (not wanted) to masturbate, i’ve pushed through discomfort. it hasn’t really been a very relaxing or pleasant experience for me for a while other than sexual pleasure if that makes sense.

(also i know that the exhaustion and the masturbation getting in the way of my life is a bigger issue, i’m seeing my therapist soon and want to try to talk to her about it. i think just need to see that i CAN actually talk to someone about this)

i would never, ever, ever EVER do these things in real life, though my intrusive thoughts are telling me that i would, that i’m awful for these thoughts. i feel like i deserve to be hated and judged and lots of bad things for these thoughts. i feel so absolutely disgusted by myself.

i think i’m just looking for some kindness. honestly i’m not even sure i deserve it when confessing to this but something inside me says maybe i do.

thank you so much in advance. this is something that has been weighing on me for a long time now.

[Jacob]

Hey maybelle!

I'll start by saying that I've had the privilege(ahem) of encountering some pretty horrible people, including predatory abusers etc. Some are worse than others, but what none of them ever seem to do is worry that they might be terrible.

From what you're saying and how you're saying it, I'd say already that you sound like the opposite - someone who is concerned about who they are and their effect on others, someone who experiences guilt and who has a conscience.

It's important to say here, fantasies or invasive thoughts aren't wants. Sometimes they're a way of processing things we specifically don't want and are scared of.

So I would start by reminding yourself of your real wants and ethical values. I would also remind yourself that some parts of this cycle are probably an effort to cope with the negative feelings you're having - this sounds extremely tough, and the voice of self-blame and self-hatred can be very loud indeed, so give yourself credit for the kindnesses you are showing to yourself by looking for help even while dealing with that.

It might be that some version of some of these fantasies could be part of some playful make-believe that you will enjoy in the future, but it sounds like for now, at least, the guilt spiral is more of a driving force for you than just a reaction to what you're experiencing - so I wouldn't count on these fantasies or thoughts always being around.

What support are you getting around OCD? Did you get diagnosed because of thoughts like these or because of something else? If you have a therapist or can get one, it might be really helpful to think of most of what you've described here as part of the issues that treatment and healing is all about.

I'd also be remiss if I didn't recommend this article by Sofia P about sexually intrusive thoughts... Embracing Vulnerability and Discomfort with Sexually Intrusive Thoughts... it doesn't go into the eroticising aspect which you've spoken about here, but I think it does a great job of showing what a self-compassionate approach to disturbing self-beliefs can look like.

[maybelle]

thank you so much for the response, it already helps to be met with kindness!! sometimes i can kind of distance myself from the guilt but at times i panic a bit, and i think this’ll help me panic less. i think i sometimes kind of forget what ocd does and the techniques that help.

at the moment i’m just beginning to see my therapist, but she’s an ocd specialist so should help a lot. i learnt some skills from my own research and past therapist (like saying ‘maybe, maybe not’ to thoughts, surfing the urge, exposure to fears etc)
technically i haven’t been diagnosed, but multiple therapists have labelled it as ocd. i haven’t really told them about this part of it, because i feel very ashamed of it. it’s one if biggest parts of what i struggle with though. i’ve talked to past therapists about cleanliness ocd, and that’s mostly what we were talking about. i did mention some disturbing intrusive thoughts but we never got into them. yeah, i agree, i just am really scared that i’ll be judged or that it’s not something i can talk about, because 1. i feel shame around the fact it’s to do w sexual stuff, and i’m not used to talking about that stuff, and 2. i feel worried that the action part of it (masturbation) makes it not ocd but makes the thoughts things i actually want, because i haven’t heard of anyone having similar ocd things to this and i think i see the masturbation as ‘acting on the thoughts.’ i’m just scared that this is something very uncommon and therefore my therapist won’t understand

also, what did you mean by the guilt being a driving force rather than a response? i don’t quite understand.

i read the article! i definitely relate a LOT to the wishing i had ‘normal’ issues and the feeling like i can’t tell anyone for fear of not understood. my friends are incredibly open minded though so idk maybe i could share something w them someday.

i wish i didn’t have to deal with this though so much, it’s such a heavy thing in the background weighing on my conscience, and it’s not even the whole of all of the intrusive thoughts i get (

[Latha]

Hi Maybelle,

I’m glad Jacob’s advice and the article were helpful!

You know, the difficulties that you’re experiencing are actually pretty common, especially in relation to OCD. Just take a look around the boards - if you search for topics that contain words like ‘fetish’ or ‘guilt’, you’ll see it for yourself. Every time someone comes here with this sort of worry, we tell them the same thing we would tell you: you have nothing to be ashamed of.

I think it is fair to say that anxiety often latches on to the taboo - to things that we feel we could be judged for. Society has problems with sex, so it is not that surprising that your mind has focused on this topic. Any competent therapist will understand, and would not judge you for the contents of your fantasies. Beyond the fact that fantasies about taboo subjects like rape, age differences, and monsters are very common, a good therapist would know that there isn’t a direct relationship between people’s fantasies and the things they want in real life.

I’ll ask Jacob to confirm, but I think the point about guilt being a driving force might tie in to something else they said: that fantasies and can be a way of processing things that we’re scared of. This is a subject that carries a lot of weight in your mind, and has lead you to some very harsh conclusions about yourself. You are not disgusting, awful, or a predator, but thinking that way must be exhausting. At some point, you’ll need some kind of relief. Exploring these fantasies through sex may be a way of getting that. But then you feel bad, and the cycle begins again. If you start feeling less scared of these thoughts, there is a good chance that you’ll feel less compulsive around masturbation.

I agree that it would probably be helpful to treat this as a part of your OCD. If it helps, you don’t have to start a conversation with your therapist by getting right into what has been bothering you. Instead, you can start with more general questions: you could ask about whether it is okay to talk about sex with them, if they have experience treating people with OCD about sexual topics, and what their approach is. This should give you a sense of her position on this topic. If it sounds like our position, you can assume that she won’t judge you.

[maybelle]

hi, thank you again omg, i really needed to hear that and the way you said that all has made me feel lighter and hopeful.

i do feel so worried still about some stuff, like what if i do want that stuff, what if i start feeling aroused by things like animals and incest. and also the one that i was most afraid about that i didn’t mention previously was n*crophilia. that one disturbs me so much, but at the same time it has really turned me on a lot sometimes. and also what if i actually do want to masturbate to these things, not just as a compulsion? what if i start finding them attractive in real life, or start masturbating to things that have happened to real people? i know reassurance to some of these questions will just worsen the anxiety spiral, but ughhhhhh i wish this wasn’t the case. it’s so exhausting to have these thoughts against my most important values.

it really degrades my self esteem and i’m not even sure i’ve realised how much until now, until i started to feel a little lighter. i think this has really burrowed its way into me, into my bones and sinew and has infected me like a sort of degrading disease, pushed itself into me and made a home in me and made me feel like i’m not whole or worthy or a good person or ‘myself’ with this happening. that i have to extract this and only then can i be ‘pure’ again, like i feel i was when i was younger, when i didn’t know any of this, when it hadn’t gone so far.

(poetic descriptions help me sometimes so i hope that makes sense still. it felt important to leave in bc that it how it feels, like there’s kind of half of my body ‘infected’ by this ‘impurity’ and the rest is my languishing ‘real’ self.)

with the talking to my therapist, i think i might need to get a bit comfier talking sbout sex in general with anyone. i haven’t really talked to anyone at all about anything sexual, and i think i’m on the asexual spectrum so it’s kind of uncomfy in ways too. i’m worried i’ll be seen a different way, as more mature or fully formed when i just want to be seen as ‘myself.’ do you have any advice on this?

i don’t want my self view to change, it feels scary and i don’t think i’m ready for that big of a shift yet, as right now i am so exhausted and genuinely burnt out. i think i’ve been viewing myself as ‘me without engaging with much sexual content, as i was a year or so ago’ plus the masturbation, rather than it being an integrated part of things i like doing or want etc. it feels like something that isn’t me and is a very uncomfortable thing to even think about myself ‘being’. like i think i view myself very separately to ‘sexual people’ or just people in general, not just due to the ocd etc but also just alienation as a result of being autistic in this society, and being trans and queer.

i guess i’m also just feeling like the thought of me not being irredeemable or disgusting etc and morally wrong and inethical and mean etc is just far too good to be true. i’ve grown up being indirectly told my way of being and feeling was wrong and i’ve experienced sexual intrusive thoughts since i was like 10 maybe, and never really told anyone untilt he past few years. i think i’m beginning to feel and see the huge impact that has had.

again, thank you so much!!!

[KierC]

Hi Maybelle

I’m so glad to hear what everyone’s said has been helpful. You deserve light and hope, and I’m glad what everyone said helped you feel that a little bit more. Also, your poetry is deep with meaning, and I feel grateful that you’ve shared these words with us. Poetry can give us access to a deeper range of feeling and meaning when communicating! I also understand that poetry is vulnerable, and I wanted to thank you for writing it and sharing it. I have OCD too, and what you said is really relatable.

Something that came to mind with your poetic description is that sometimes, when we *are* deeply concerned about others, when we *are* deeply empathetic and deeply pro-social, we can worry about our harm on others, and it can feel like a burrowing inside or degrading feeling. I see what you mean about that. If I might echo some of what Jacob said, your concern about this indicates to me that you have deeply empathetic and caring values, perhaps to the extent that the thought of any alternative is deeply disturbing (like a “degrading” of sorts). How does that land with you?

We can certainly talk about talking about sex, too. I hear you that you’re worried about being viewed differently. Something that might help to remember is that your therapist is not there to judge you, they’re there to hold what you tell them with care and respect. I think, if anything, it may help them help you more, you know? I think, too, it sounds like your therapist specializes in OCD. Not every therapist has a ton of experience with gender and sexuality topics, but I would place a safe-ish bet that a therapist specializing in OCD may very well have experience speaking with clients about sex and sexuality at least a bit (at least, I would hope so). Do you feel like you’d want to ask them an initial question and see how they respond?