Scarleteen

For starters, I don’t know if I’m using this correctly so I apologize if this is not the correct format, but I had a question. Am I an abuser for ghosting this girl when I was 16? She was 14 at the time and she was a temporary foreign exchange student, I decided to help her during class and that’s how our friendship began. What made me no longer want to be friends is my mental health deteriorating and the fact that our age gap could make it harder to relate to. This was due to a friendship breakup that happened last year which was so bad my social skills blew up, this made me very avoidant/scared of social situations (still healing today). I also felt that our interactions felt forced at times as times where u wanted to be left alone I felt like I was obligated to talk to her because I lacked communication skills and the courage to advocate for myself, I don’t blame her for not getting it. There were some enjoyable moments but I guess what made it feel worse is when a group of guys were teasing me every class and they all (including her) had just watched and didn’t really comfort me after those things had happened (probably out of not wanting to get into conflict, which I can understand, still felt weird though). This was also pretty awkward. I decided later on as she was leaving the school that I didn’t feel like being friends anymore but I didn’t know how to say it. I liked interacting with her, she wasn’t mean, I just was uncomfortable. I avoided giving her my phone number and instead decided to use my instagram instead. Talked with her mother for a few seconds and she thanked me for being friends with her while she was at school. She sent me videos on insta and I missed some of them but tried to respond (I hate using instagram so I did not check my notifications on time). I later weighed on these mishaps in our friendship and whether I wanted to continue or not and decided not really. I then apologized for not being able to contact her and asked to use email instead bc “I’m not supposed to use insta” (that was a lie, I can have insta, I just never use it). After not seeing any emails I just stopped contacting. One of the adults that helped her at her stay asked me a few times over a period of time (and earlier this school year) if I wanted to get back with Eli to talk but I felt awkward so I slipped out of those convos or told them about the e-mail problem. I recently emailed this adult again to get back in contact with her to apologize and take responsibility. But I also wanted to have language to describe my behavior so I can adjust accordingly. Was this abuse? Am I an abuser?

Good morning, ls2verice.

Look, it feels really crummy to be ghosted, and more times than not, I think there are better things to do than ghost that are within most people's capacity. I definitely, think that ghosting is hurtful. But someone being an abuser is about a pattern of behavior, and whether or not something is abuse generally has to do with motivating factors like power and control, which are not usually what's going on with ghosting. Like you've mentioned about your own situation here, ghosting often has a lot to do with social anxiety or lack of social skills of one kind of another (and sometimes people even do it because it feels like the safest way to get *away* from a potential or actual abuser).

I think taking responsibility for ghosting is an excellent thing to do, because, like I said, it often does cause hurt. But I think what you're apologizing for here, what you have responsibility for, is for *unintentionally* causing this person any pain or suffering, not at all intentionally, and that's the clear difference when it comes to what's abuse and what isn't. Make sense?

Hello, this does makes sense and I appreciate you responding to me. I eventually found her Instagram again later that day I submitted this and I did apologize and told her how I felt. To summarize, I told her that it wasn't her fault and that I had a hard time with socializing which was the reason I took this route instead of being responsible. I gave her my WhatsApp because despite not wanting to be friends anymore I am comfortable with her wanting to talk occasionally if she wants. she said that she just assumed I was introverted or wasn't allowed to use Instagram so she didn't really think much of it.

is there anything else I should add/do? was keeping her in my contacts in case she has anything she wants to say a good idea?

That sounds exactly like the way for someone to do their best to take responsibility in this situation. Looks to me like you did a great job. It also sounds like she's okay and probably appreciated you doing that. I also think it's fine to keep her in your contacts.

So many people are so bad at taking responsibility, apologizing or making amends, and when we hurt someone, or might have, even inadvertently, it's so meaningful for everyone involved to do it. I think you did a great and rare job here. <3