Triggered and Seeking Support

[MusicNerd]

[TW: mention of childhood sexual abuse from a family member]

Hi folks, hope you’re doing well! Didn’t know where else to go to post about this, but here goes.

Starting a couple years ago, I’ve been in contact with my parents due to needing their financial support while working a variety of short-term contract jobs (I was no-contact with them for 5-6 years, and I didn’t initially reach out to them; someone else reached out to my parents without my knowledge and put them in contact with me). This is further complicated by the fact that I was sexually abused by my dad growing up, and my mom doesn’t know (and she herself was abusive to me emotionally/mentally). I’m grateful for the financial help they’ve given, but it hasn’t felt great to be constantly reminded of the abuse.

Fast forward to now, I’ve been recovering from multiple concussions since the beginning of this year, as well as a bunch of other physical injuries, and my job options this year were limited as a result of the physical symptoms I’ve been struggling with (I even needed a fundraiser to help hold me over financially to cover expenses my parents couldn’t cover, until I started my current job). My current job is working part-time as a caregiver to my dad, since he has several disabilities; it’s not strenuous for me physically, but it obviously has taken a toll on me mentally and emotionally to be constantly reminded of what he did to me, and I’ve needed to dissociate regularly to cope.

I’m going to be transitioning into a new job as a tutor, but have to do so slowly per doctor’s orders while I continue to recover from these various injuries. It’s tough to know I have a way to gain financial independence through this new tutoring job — a stable, long-term day job I’ve been seeking for years — to get out of this triggering situation, while also knowing I can’t start with many hours due to slowly healing from injuries and working to care for my dad while I recover indefinitely.

While I’m grateful to have a therapist that I’m processing all this with, I don’t really have anyone in my life who understands what I’m going through, and how hard it’s been to be in contact with the people who’ve abused me in various ways, and also being in close contact with them now.

I guess I partly needed to vent, but if you have any suggestions for resources or support groups that deal with any of these topics, that would be great. Thanks for taking the time to read this, and for all the support y’all have shown me over the years, I really appreciate it.

[Andy]

Hi there MusicNerd, so nice to see you here again!

And no worries, this is a perfectly okay place to put this.

First of all, I’m so sorry to hear about this terrible string of hardships you are experiencing lately, that really sounds like a lot. It sounds like there is some hope in the form of a financial independence and long-term job, which is great, though I can’t even imagine how incredibly frustrating in must be to have to wait for that and stay in this triggering situation for longer. Would you like to brainstorm some options and ways how to limit or avoid the time you have to spend with your parents, or does that not feel possible right now and you just want to vent or talk about how to find ways to take care of yourself and live through this until the circumstances are better?

Would you feel comfortable sharing with us your location/ZIP code, so we can look for resources around you? You can do so either here and we will delete it afterwards or you can use one of our other direct services for that. Or would you prefer online resources? We can also put together a list of articles/resources we have available on our main site if you haven't seen all of them yet.

Lastly, you mentioned not having anyone who would understand your situation so even though mine is quite different I want to share some things that are similar in case you find that helpful <3 The past year I’ve been helping with taking care of a grandparent, who I’ve always felt very uneasy and uncomfortable around, it’s way better now but I would say the role of a caregiver is by itself so specific and often emotionally exhausting , that any added pressure/pain/negative feelings about the other person can make it unbearable. And I’m so so fucking sorry you have to be in this position with someone who sexually abused you.
I’ve also had to spent time with my parents who I don’t have a great relationship with, during the care-giving and there have been times when I was financially dependent on them and it’s always very hard for me to find the right balance between needing the support/help and the suffering that getting it costs me.

Let us know how can we best help you <3

[MusicNerd]

Hi Andy,

Thanks so much for your response! Yeah, I think coming up with some options for how to take care of myself and get through this time with my parents would be good, since I unfortunately can’t limit contact with them right now. I currently see them 3-4x per week, which is a lot for me.

I’m open to in-person and online resources, including articles from Scarleteen. Support groups might be especially helpful for me, virtual or in-person.

I’m sorry you’ve had to be a caregiver for your grandparent, and that you can relate to having a difficult relationship with your parents while having to rely on them at times. I feel like most people would judge me and call me ungrateful for the financial support they’ve given me; but I am grateful for the material support, it’s just really hard to be constantly reminded of trauma they inflicted on me for most of my life.

I also realized in therapy recently that the sexual abuse I experienced from my dad growing up is likely what led to so much anxiety and avoidance I have relating to sex and dating. (I’ve always had a hard time expressing romantic/sexual interest on dates, and couldn’t figure out why I had so much anxiety and could only show platonic interest.) I have very little romantic/sexual experience, and it’s hard not to beat myself up for unknowingly using avoidance as a coping mechanism for so many years (which also makes me feel like it’s too late for me to have the connections I wanted).

To be clear, I have no desire to date right now, given everything going on in my life; the realization above just adds another layer of mess to how I’m feeling about being around my dad so much.

[Latha]

Hi MusicNerd,

It must take so much strength and courage to care for someone who has hurt you like this. In an ideal world, it wouldn't be asked of you. Material support can't make up for what has happened, and acknowledging that does not make you ungrateful. For what it is worth, I think any sensible person in the world would understand your circumstances. You don't have to justify yourself to anyone who would think less of you.

If I may ask, how do your parents treat you these days? Are there specific behaviours or activities that make things more difficult for you when you are with them? With stressful situations, I think it always helps to be intentional about making time for self-care — this article provides some ideas if you need inspiration. It might also be useful to have some grounding/calming strategies on hand to use when you are around them. For example, you could use breathing exercises, or curate a playlist.

It isn't too late to date people or have relationships — people form new ones for as long as they live. And having less experience than your peers will not make you a worse partner. Sure, there might be a bit of a learning curve at first, but those exist in all relationships. This is because experience can only do so much — everyone with a new partner has to learn how to be with them. That means taking it slow, communicating, and listening. So long as you can achieve that, you'll be fine. Also: I know that insecurity around sex and relationships is typically thought of as something that happens to teenagers, but I think no one is totally immune. If you start dating, I think you'll learn that many of the people you date will have similar anxieties about some issue or another.

As a starting point to exploring sexual relationships with other people in the future, what would you think of exploring things like fantasies and masturbation on your own? Of course, you don't have to do this, now or ever, but they can be a good way to develop and connect with your own needs and desires.

Here are some resources from the mainsite.
Embracing Newbiehood: How to Approach Dating and Sex in Your 20s With Little or No Experience
How do I figure out if I want to have sex? (Post-trauma)
Should I tell potential partners that I am inexperienced?
Aftershocks: The Physical Effects of Sexual Trauma

Since you've asked us to redact your location, can we send information about support groups to you by email?

[MusicNerd]

Hi Latha,

Thanks for being so understanding. I think I tend to judge myself for my current situation, so I assume others will too.

They treat me technically better than when I was growing up — probably due to the fact that I cut contact with them for like 6 years — but there are still things that aren’t great. Like, my dad is terrible with boundaries and taking “no” for an answer, so it’s exhausting having to push back all the time. My mom is quite temperamental and I never know what mood she’ll be in that day, or at any given moment, which leaves me walking on eggshells. I tend to just shut down my personality around them and dissociate to cope.

Thanks for the self-care article, I’ll be sure to try some of those things out along with grounding exercises (I’ve also been getting into meditating lately). In terms of masturbation and fantasies, I’m no stranger to those, but they make me feel sad given my current situation and how far out of reach those things seem for me right now (and I literally force myself not to think about it after I go home from being with them, since it just feels weird given the sexual trauma from my dad).

And for whenever I do decide to date again, I likely won’t tell people about my inexperience. I don’t really see why it would be relevant for them to know anyway. Like, I won’t lie and tell people I have a bunch of experience when I don’t, but I’ll more so frame it as being rusty, since it’s true that it’s been a long time since I’ve gone on dates or been sexual with anyone. It feels safer to do that than to reveal my inexperience being a result of various traumas.

I don’t need to put myself through judgment from potential partners, especially for casual situations (with a long-term partner I might be more willing to give details, but even then I’m not sure). I had a date years ago judge me pretty harshly for not having relationship experience — she called me “weird” and everything — so I quickly learned not to disclose that ever again (I only did one other time, and that person ended things with me on our next date and we ended up having an on/off dating situation). Idk dating and sex just feel so impossible to happen for me (especially right now) that I try not to think about it much since it makes me sad— guess there’s that avoidance again.

And yes, if you could email the resources to me that would be great. Thanks so much!

[Andy]

Hi again,

if it helps to hear, you are in no way responsible for your situation and noone here would ever think otherwise. It was your parents who chose to abuse you, and you are not responsible for your health problems either.
I’m sorry to hear that your parents’ house is still unsafe for you as it sounds like "technically better" is still wayyyy too far from good. It really sounds exhausting having to deal with all this on top of working there.

It’s understandable that relationships and sexual activities don’t feel great or possible at the moment, after all, when we are in stress, our minds focus is to "survive" and other needs and wants come second. Would you be comfortable telling us more about the weirdness you feel when thinking about masturbation and fantasies after coming from your parents? It might be possible to find out where these feelings are coming from and if something could be done about them. But it’s perfectly okay, if you don’t want to talk about that.

Ughhh, that was an awful thing your date said about the lack of experience, I can imagine you wouldn't want to share that again. But you are right, it’s absolutely fine to not tell your potential partners anything about your sexual and relationships history if you don’t want to, just like it would be fine to tell them only later on. If you want to talk, now or any other time, about how could sex and dating become less impossible for you, we are happy to do that with you. It might feel like a really isolating and uncommon experience, but there are many people of all ages in similar situations, myself included, so I promise you, you are not alone.

PS: I emailed you the resources Latha put together for you, hope you find them helpful:)

[MusicNerd]

Hi again,

if it helps to hear, you are in no way responsible for your situation and noone here would ever think otherwise. It was your parents who chose to abuse you, and you are not responsible for your health problems either.
I’m sorry to hear that your parents’ house is still unsafe for you as it sounds like "technically better" is still wayyyy too far from good. It really sounds exhausting having to deal with all this on top of working there.

Thanks, Andy. I really appreciate your understanding, it really has been tough. And you’re right, it is exhausting dealing with everything else health-wise on top of seeing them so much. The emotional stress has taken a toll on me physically, so I’ve been trying to do grounding exercises and the like.

It’s understandable that relationships and sexual activities don’t feel great or possible at the moment, after all, when we are in stress, our minds focus is to "survive" and other needs and wants come second. Would you be comfortable telling us more about the weirdness you feel when thinking about masturbation and fantasies after coming from your parents? It might be possible to find out where these feelings are coming from and if something could be done about them. But it’s perfectly okay, if you don’t want to talk about that.

Yeah, I’ve definitely been in survival mode for the past… I don’t even know how many years it’s been, honestly. I didn’t realize how tired I was until I enrolled in PHP earlier this year due to having a mental breakdown. I’m thankfully doing better now, but there has been a lot going on for a while.

I think the weirdness is that I have the tendency to want to compartmentalize my sexuality to be as far away from my dad as possible. So, I figure if I only let myself masturbate or have fantasies on days when I don’t see him in person, then maybe I can somehow protect it… Now that I’m typing it out, I guess the weirdness doesn’t make as much sense as I thought, and is maybe more of a trauma response than I realized.

Ughhh, that was an awful thing your date said about the lack of experience, I can imagine you wouldn't want to share that again. But you are right, it’s absolutely fine to not tell your potential partners anything about your sexual and relationships history if you don’t want to, just like it would be fine to tell them only later on. If you want to talk, now or any other time, about how could sex and dating become less impossible for you, we are happy to do that with you. It might feel like a really isolating and uncommon experience, but there are many people of all ages in similar situations, myself included, so I promise you, you are not alone.

Honestly, I have no idea how sex and dating could become less impossible for me. Like, even before dealing with the current various injuries and financial instability, it feels like everyone else got a memo on how to make romantic/sexual connections, and it somehow skipped me. I think the childhood sexual trauma + being bullied throughout childhood + not being allowed to date in high school all set me up to perpetually feel like an awkward, fumbling teenager despite being an adult going on dates.

Making friends is pretty easy for me, but when I’m on dates, it’s hard for me to flip that switch and express romantic/sexual interest. So then, understandably, people I go on dates with think I’m only interested in platonic connections, and (despite going on more fates than I can count) it’s rarely ever gone beyond hanging out. Like, I’ve hooked up with one person when I was tipsy (this was before I got sober), and made out with idk how many people at this point (stopped counting after a while), but typically never progressed beyond that.

I guess I just don’t how other people make sex and dating and having relationships seem so easy and natural. It doesn’t feel intuitive to me at all, I just feel a lot of anxiety (and some shame), which my therapist and I have also traced back to childhood sexual trauma due to my brain subconsciously equating “romantic/sexual intent” to “danger”— even if I’m with someone I’m actually interested in. I also tend to be bad at picking up on someone’s interest in me until long after the fact, which I think is another defense mechanism on my part.

PS: I emailed you the resources Latha put together for you, hope you find them helpful:)

Yes, I got it. Thanks so much, I’m so grateful for the team here! <3

[Heather]

Just sending you some extra drive-by care and support, MusicNerd! Always rooting for you. <3

[MusicNerd]

Thank you, Heather! Always appreciate hearing from you <3

Also, Andy - if you (or anyone else) have any questions about what I wrote above, please let me know.

[Andy]

Hi and sorry I didn't see your post sooner!

That’s great to hear that you have ways of taking care of yourself that work for you like the grounding exercises (let us know if you want more recommendations for them!). But I understand there is only so much those can do when you are facing such stressful situation every day. I’m rooting for you and hoping the transition to the tutoring job is smooth and fast so you can finally get some proper rest for your mind and body after these difficult years <3

Thank you for sharing that about the weirdness, that sounds like a really helpful realization. Since you recognize it as a possible trauma response, do you think it would be helpful to talk about that with your therapist to get some more ideas about how to work with that if you want? It’s understandable that you want to separate the experience of sexual abuse from how you experience sexuality now, but I still want to point out that your sexuality is only YOURS and you have the power to decide what feelings or experiences you include in your perception of it or not.

As for dating and relationships, I so hear you and can relate to a lot of what you shared. I wish there was some simple solution, but there really isn’t, because of the usual "all people, relationships and situations etc. are different" thing going on. However, my guess is that there are WAY more people struggling with these things then it might seem at the first time, especially among those of us who have had some bad relationships in the past.

I wonder if the issue of your dates assuming you want only platonic relationships might be relived a bit by finding people to date in spaces made for (or where you can specify you are looking for) those looking for sexual/romantic relationships like speed dating events or dating sites.

Apart from that I won’t give you any dating advice (maybe other people from the team will be able to), but I will at least recommend you this page that is my go-to for, amazing and funny as a bonus, relationships advice: https://captainawkward.com/ and some starting point there might be:

• https://captainawkward.com/2012/04/19/2 ... rested-in/
• https://captainawkward.com/2012/07/12/2 ... ve-primer/

Let me know what you think about it!

PS: There are people out there who are into the the "awkward, fumbling teenager despite being an adult going on dates" vibe

[MusicNerd]

Hi Andy,

Sorry for taking so long! Life has been lifeing, so I had to handle some things. Also, I’m gonna be seeing a neurologist tomorrow (after waiting for MONTHS) who specializes in concussion recovery, so I’m feeling optimistic she can give me some advice for physical healing too.

And idk if I’d want to talk with my therapist about masturbation and the separation I feel I need to have with my sexuality… I’m mortified at the idea of talking about masturbation with her, even if it’s related to trauma responses. Thanks for reminding me that my sexuality is mine, though. I appreciate it. <3

In terms of dates and having a hard time not coming off as platonic, it’s funny because almost all of my dates have been from dating apps... yet I somehow still manage to fumble. So idk, maybe I’m just always gonna be bad at expressing anything besides platonic interest (or maybe continuing to process the trauma will help me feel less awkward/anxious). But I’ll be sure to check out Captain Awkward— I forgot about that site, thanks.

[Andy]

Hi MusicNerd,

no need to apologize, we are here for you at whatever times and in whatever ways it works for you<3
And that’s great news about the neurologist, though the waiting must have been so frustrating. I’ll keep my fingers and toes crossed that you get the care and help you need tomorrow!

I’m glad it resonated with you <3 As for the therapist, you definitely don’t have to talk about that with them if you decide you don’t want to. But I think it could still be helpful to try to think about what you feel when you consider sharing that there and try to trace where these feelings/thoughts might be coming from. It’s also probably worth mentioning that even though sexuality and masturbation don’t seem like typical therapy topics I think they are way more common then it might seem at first. After all, they are part of almost everybody’s lives and are often affected by mental health, and our life and mental health are whats therapy mostly about! So you most probably wouldn’t be the first or last person talking about that with them.

Honestly, as I see it, there isn’t such thing as "being bad at expressing some kind of interest", because everyone just expresses and reads that differently. You might have for example met someone who seemed to be flirting with everyone around but it was just making friends for them. There are definitely things people usually associate solely with romantic or platonic relationships/dating, like holding hands, kissing, complimenting someone’s beauty or saying I love you, but that doesn’t mean these things have to be present in all of them. And it seems to me that especially in queer communities people are more often free from the norms and expectations regarding relationships and therefore more likely to communicate interest/read the interest of others not according to the stereotypes (and also the other person’s expectations). So that’s where a honest open conversation about what everyone is expecting and hoping to find in the relationship comes in handy. Also, with dating in general, but especially with dating sites, where you get only limited information about people before you start to date, it might take a lot of dates before you finally find someone you click with, so that you haven’t met that someone yet doesn’t mean you won’t ever.
Anyways, I went a bit on a tangent there, but can you see where I’m heading with that?
And you are right that continuing processing the trauma as well as getting into a more stable and comfortable living situation is likely to make it easier to deal with the anxiety about all this!

[MusicNerd]

Hi Andy,

Thanks for your thoughtful response! My appointment with my neurologist went really well! She gave me some helpful insight and prescribed vestibular therapy and medication for this concussion I’m recovering from (I’ve been recovering for a year), so fingers crossed that they work. Also, I reinjured a different part of my body recently while packing to move, so I’ve been dealing with a lot.

I get what you’re saying re: flirting - Despite flirting looking a bunch of different ways, I think I need to accept that maybe it’s just something I’m not good at. I’m good at making friends though, so that’s something!

I’m trying not to go into the “I’ll never be good at it” mindset, since that seems unhelpful even if it feels true. Maybe working through the trauma more, and getting in a better place financially/mentally more distant from my parents, can help me learn how to express romantic/sexual attraction in a way that feels best for me, because right now that doesn’t exist for me. Like, at all.

[Heather]

I don't know if this is helpful at all, but I have strong memories of feeling really frustrated in my late 20s and early 30s with things that I hadn't made what felt like any progress with, or hadn't learned that I felt like I should. For me there was something about being that age where I felt like by and large, I should have had all of the basic pieces of what I thought being a human being in the world was pretty much together.

Of course, there is no should here and we are all on our own timelines with literally everything. And on top of that, almost none of us account for things like trauma in the mix because none of these kind of cultural developmental milestones have been concepted with them in mind.

So, one piece of advice I can offer with the spot you're in, especially knowing about some of your journey over the last decade or so, is to try and focus on the places where you really do have things together or are maybe even ahead of your own goalposts. You have done a lot of healing in some areas (like recovery) where I know people twice your age that haven't even started. I know this piece in particular -- this arena of intimate relationships -- can feel super frustrating to feel stalled out with, because it can be a lonely place, but I do think you'll carve out your own path and place with this in time, and I hope you can both keep your eyes on the prize in that respect, but also not forget where you're at and where you started in other arenas. <3

[MusicNerd]

Hi Heather,

So sorry for the delay! I’ve been busy packing to move, so things have been hectic.

Thank you for your kind words. You’re so right in terms of the age thing and needing to feel like I have everything figured out— it doesn’t help that everyone around me is getting married and starting families (I’m happy for them! Just reminds me of how out of reach those things feel for me).

And you’re right that society doesn’t take trauma into account when thinking about milestones— my twenties (and even now with health problems) felt like I was in survival mode. I also didn’t even think about my sobriety as a sign of having things together in a certain area of my life; I guess I just viewed getting sober as a necessity, since it was either that or I’d die (sorry if that’s morbid, but that’s where things were at).

It’s really sweet of you to say that I’ll carve out my own path with intimate relationships. I don’t have that same optimism for myself, but maybe I will feel that way someday.

[Andy]

Hi MusicNerd,

no worries, and fingers crossed the moving goes as smoothly as possible! Will the move mean some change in your work at your parents house?

And yeah, sadly it seems to me that trauma isn’t the only thing society doesn’t take into account with setting milestones, there are also health and financial issues, living conditions, work, studies, laws and many other things including the most important one, that a lot of people might not even want to reach them in the first place at the time when they are expected to by society or never at all. And just like some people start university in their seventies because they didn't want to or couldn't do that earlier, having a long-term relationship, starting a family or anything else you might want, is a possibility for you in a few years or decades if you want and when your situation changes for the better. And since you are taking the steps towards that change I’m confident it can be even sooner than in those few years, if, again, that’s something you will want.
And echoing what Heather said, you have already done a LOT, of course we all wish you didn't have to do so much work and healing, but its still something to remember and look back on with pride. For example that getting sober was necessary in order to live, doesn't have to necessarily mean it was in any way easier or that it doesn't count.

It’s okay, and understandable, that intimate relationships feel out of reach for you at the moment, metaphorically said, you don’t have to see the end of a path to keep walking on it, it’s just important to remember there is the desired end waiting for you somewhere further along it.

[MusicNerd]

Hey all! I’m coming back for updates since things are starting to look bleak, and I’m not sure what to do. For context, I live in the USA.

I had to stop working that tutoring job, because health problems got so unpredictable with flare-ups that it made it hard for me to continue working. It was so disappointing, since it seemed like my dream job. I ended things on good terms, but who knows if they’ll let me work with them again in the future.

I’m still caregiving for my dad professionally, but without getting into all the weeds: if Social Security and Medicaid are cut, not only would I be losing my healthcare, but my job relies on those programs for funding. I also recently started applying for Social Security Disability Income given my physical and mental health problems, and I’m waiting to get approved; but if the government cuts that, then I won’t be able to get SSDI either.

All this is to say: If the government ends up cutting these government programs, which it seems they’re on track to do, I’ll have to move back in with my parents. If I could, I would couch-surf like I’ve done in previous years, but given my health problems, and the fact that I have a cat now, I can’t do that.

My parents have traumatized me in a variety of ways, and when I briefly lived with them for a summer during college, it was absolute hell. I promised myself I’d never live with them again, and I went no-contact with them for 6 years before someone put them in contact with me against my will; but it looks like I might have to do the thing that would be most damaging to me.

I’m thinking about independently tutoring and pet-sitting, but I likely won’t be able to get enough clients fast enough to support myself if these government programs are cut. Things seem to be moving pretty quickly in Congress and experts estimate assistance would stop pretty soon after programs are cut. (I know the Senate still needs to vote on the budget cuts, but given they’re majority Republican, things aren’t looking good.)

And on top of all this, I feel like I’m not making progress in therapy, and I likely won’t make progress until I’m no-contact with my parents again. I’ve been thinking about stopping therapy given that I likely won’t be making progress while I’m still in contact with my parents and it’s looking more likely I’ll be living with them.

I guess I just feel stuck and don’t know what to do, and it’s possible I’m missing other solutions here. I’ve tried thinking through everything, but it keeps coming back to living with my parents. Any insight is appreciated, thanks.

[Sofi]

Hi MusicNerd, first of all I'm so sorry you're going through all this. I just want to make it really clear that everything you're feeling and saying is very much valid. Stuff sucks right now, that's undeniable, and it sucks a lot for us with chronic health issues and disabilities that prevent us from being able to work regular jobs.

While it's good to be prepared, I don't want you to spiral too much about this either. I think having a plan is great, but what I've done (not the same situation as yours, but similar in that I'm also just waiting to see if the gov't will cut necessary programs for me, and if they do I have to uproot my life and change my living situation drastically) is set aside time to come up with that plan, but then just let myself rest, relax and find joy outside of that time. The reason why is because I will be an absolute mess if this does happen and I'm already dysregulated from weeks or months of spiraling over this constantly. So part of the plan is literally to make sure I'm as mentally and physically okay as possible, and that does mean turning off the impending doom thoughts sometimes and just letting myself enjoy whatever I can, mainly my hobbies like watching movies, playing video games, and crafting.

Unfortunately I don't have much advice on your living situation but hopefully someone else from the team can chime in later on with something more helpful in that department. I just wanted to send you some support and encouragement to let yourself rest. While it is a real possibility these programs will be cut off, they haven't been yet, so panicking isn't super productive (I know, easier said than done!)

Do you think this is something you can do, is find some time to come up with a plan, but also find time to do things you enjoy or that relax you? <3

[MusicNerd]

Hi Sofi,

Thanks for responding! I'm sorry that you're also dealing with stress related to government programs and potential cuts too. All of this is so unfair.

I guess I see what you mean in terms of coming up with a plan and then doing things that I enjoy. I've been trying to do things I enjoy, like spending time with my cat who's currently cuddling me right now, and listening to podcasts I enjoy and going to AA meetings. But I also find that I'm having a hard time fully relaxing into that because I don't fully have a plan for what to do. Like my plan just keeps going back to the idea of living with my abusive parents, you know?

So yeah, I guess I would feel more likely to lean into things I enjoy if I had a better plan, but right now this is the plan and I guess that's what has me worried. I'm not really sure what to do about that, and it's possible that maybe I'm missing solutions or haven't thought of everything, but that's where I'm at right now.

[KierC]

Hey MusicNerd <3

Just wanted to chime in with some words of support. I agree with you, this is all so, so unfair. I’m sorry to hear that it’s impacting your life like this as well. I hear you, too, that it’s hard to relax when the plan you have available to you is a scary one. I wish I had a fix-it-all-make-it-stop solution for what’s happening, I think a lot of us do. I don’t unfortunately, but I do have an idea about perhaps making things a bit less crummy right now (and could *potentially* reveal some solutions to housing).

In times like this, the best thing we can do is be with our community. I’ve seen in my own neighborhood, more mutual aid groups, reading groups, support groups, all pop up in the last few months in response to all the fuckery, and leaning into that has been really comforting. I hear you that you’ve been relaxing and going to AA meetings. Are you connecting with other local community groups too, or is that something you’d like to talk about?

[Heather]

Hey, MusicNerd. I'm so sorry you're in this spot.

I have an initial thought about the housing: because I know you're a musician, have you looked into subsidized artists housing? If you're still in the city I last remember you being, when I did a quick Google search, I saw a few options.

[MusicNerd]

Hi Heather,

I didn’t know about those! Upon searching, I unfortunately don’t think I make enough money for them (and if these programs are cut, I’d lose my income); and since I’m not currently making money as an artist, I don’t think I qualify for them either. But I appreciate you sharing those with me!

[Heather]

Phooey. I figured it was worth checking, but I'm sorry that it doesn't seem like it will be helpful.

Circling back to the idea of mutual aid groups Kier suggested trying to connect with, I feel like those might be a good place to look for shared housing situations? Maybe same goes for local queer help groups? Like, in Chicago, we have a handful of queer community groups on Facebook I see people using to find roommates and housing all the time?

[MusicNerd]

Oh, I missed Kier’s response! Sorry about that. I’ll be sure to look into some mutual aid groups for support and the like.

And yeah, there are definitely queer housing options in my city, thankfully. I think it’s more so worrying about losing my entire income if these programs are cut, since my work options are limited due to my various health problems. Like if I lose my income, I can’t pay for shared housing or really live anywhere for free (besides with my parents).

Idk maybe I’ll talk with my therapist today on what to do if it comes down to me moving back in with them. Obviously, I’d like for things to not come down to that, but maybe I’ll have to plan accordingly.

Sorry I wish I could be more helpful in all this, I really appreciate y’all responding.

[Heather]

You don't owe us helpfulness, and it's not your fault that you're in this situation!

I will add this: I know we have one volunteer here right now in this position with a housemate, and I've been there a handful of times in life, too: sometimes when our housemates income or work situations change, we can, and even want to, pitch in as a household to help them out. Ways that can work might be that that person is paying less rent, or holding off on rent for a month or two, but is doing more (within their abilities) to help with household things or to help the housemate helping them out financially. Housemates are a kind of partner, after all, and I'd say that in a good roommate situation, where everyone honestly cares about the well-being of everyone they live with, thinng like this can often be worked out. <3