Scarleteen

Trigger/consent warning: discussion of fear of sexual abuse and assault, (trans)misogyny, fear of men and boys, previous perception of self as threatening (due to internalized transphobia).






Hi everyone,

Relatively recently, my hormone therapy has been going well and causing a lot of estrogenic (aka “feminizing”…) changes. This has definitely been good for my gender dysphoria, but the more I transition (both medically and socially), the more aware I feel of the specific hazards (ie, sexual abuse and assault, and non-sexual physical violence) posed by my appearance and identities: fairly small, often somewhat passing, not exactly intimidating (not that I usually want to be, to clarify) trans girl.
It’s also upsetting how focused the fear is on the men and boys around me, especially since I have a few cis and trans friends who are boys, and it’s really hard to shake a sense (even just a slight one) of danger even when nothing indicates it about those friends.
It feels especially weird because I’ve gone from mostly worrying about being seen as a (not actually) “boy” (and potentially being threatening), to worrying about being seen as who I actually am and thus potentially being targeted for being a trans girl. Obviously, the estrogenic changes are a big part of that.

Do you folks have ideas for dealing with these fears, or strategies for assessing how safe a person is?

Hi AQ,

I want to first say that you’re not alone in your frustration with the narrowly defined gender roles we find ourselves facing. It’s crummy that often we have to dance with society’s gender roles and expectations when we just want to be ourselves; even crummier when it threatens safety. Something I take comfort in is that at least we’re not doing it alone, and we can find brighter moments of community that can keep us safe.

It sounds like you’re becoming impacted by the threat of abuse and harassment you may face. I want to send you this article first, Trans Summer School: When Things Go Wrong, because it says a lot of what I want to say here. The section that starts with “…I get harassed at school, work, or in public places, by friends or strangers” is where I would start. Does reading through that give you some ideas about how to address these fears?

In terms of dealing with these fears, I have a few wandering thoughts about it:

- When you get scared, see if you can reflect and assess where the source of the fear is: Is there something about the situation or the person that is making you feel unsafe/uncomfortable? If not, is this reminding you of a situation where you felt uncomfortable/unsafe? I say this because sometimes taking stock of the situation can remind you that you are safe; and if you’re not, it can alert you to get to safety.
- Build your community of people you deem to be safe. Write them down on a list, and keep an emergency contact (or a few of them) with you. When determining who is safe, I would trust your gut and your instincts. It can also help to ask yourself what the person does that makes you feel safe vs. unsafe. For example, does this person say bad things about the LGBTQ+ community, or do anything that makes you feel like they could be an unsafe person? I would trust that. Conversely, if you have a friend who is really great, who stands with you, who you know you could call for help and they could help you; I would keep them close and know that there is safety in numbers.

How does that all land with you as a start?