No Contact Relationship Break

[Tonyy0504]

Hello again Scarleteen,

My partner and I have decided to go on a no-contact break until the semester ends because we both need to focus on ourselves. However, I am a bit worried about this. I've been researching about no-contact and I think this is the best option for us at the moment but everyone on websites such as Reddit and Quora keep saying that doesn't work. I've had unintentional no-contact breaks with my friends before and our friendships are closer than ever, which is why I believe going no-contact for a bit in this relationship would help but I'm just still so nervous about it. How would I know that my partner would not like someone else? Or that they still will find me attractive after all this time? I also would like any tips on coping mechanisms or ways to self-care because I don't really know how to enjoy myself. Thank you

[Heather]

There's no one thing any couple can do that is going to fix whatever problems they are having. So, anyone anywhere telling someone that X thing "doesn't work" in a universal way is...well, frankly, talking out of their butt. Randoms on the internet can't tell you what will or will not work for issues in your relationship, and I'd suggest not looking for that kind of information in those kinds of general places.

Even when we are with a partner, we can't control whether or not they develop feelings or attractions for other people, and even when we are with a partner, there's nothing we can ultimately do to keep them attracted to us. Neither of these things are things anyone can control whether they are actively in a relationship where they see each other all the time, or they are taking a break, you know?

It's hard to suggest coping tools for you without having a better idea of the larger situation here or without some sense of what you usually do to care for yourself in stressful situations. Want to fill us in?

[Tonyy0504]

Okay, I understand. I think I'm just insecure and that was also something I needed to work on in our relationship.

The larger situation is that we took a no-contact break to, simply put it, focus on ourselves. Life has been really crazy for me recently in regards to family stuff and my partner has had really bad mental health throughout the past few months (as I talked about in my previous post). We discussed that it may be best for us to take a break and focus on ourselves as it's been very stressful recently. TLDR on my last post, I felt really stressed because I was one of the only people my partner turns to when they're in distress or otherwise. Doing some more self-reflecting (and journaling recently), I honestly feel horrible for saying that their stressful moments did take a toll on me, whether I liked it or not. I want the best for them but right now I can't really handle being in a relationship with someone who is so down on themselves. It would take a toll on anyone in this situation, not just me, and I think I just need to realize that.

That being said, I still want to support them because I really do love them and care for them but it's hard to support them when I'm also going through my own things and I can't tell them much because of the fact they're already going through so much mentally. That's why we took the break. I feel bad for not being able to support them in their hard moments but I think this break hopefully will allow me to figure out how to set boundaries and take care of myself if they were to fall into those moments again. But I don't know how to take care of myself at all. I mean I do typical self-care stuff but it feels as if nothing helps. I've been trying to get back into old hobbies like binge reading fanfiction (LOL) which is kind of helping? I'd like something more self-reflective, maybe prompts for journaling because I also started that too but in my journal I'm usually just writing things I'd like to say to people I no longer talk to (which includes my partner now).

[HannahP]

Hi Tony!

What you describe makes perfect sense and I really admire your self reflection. You are doing some great work acknowledging your needs and setting healthy boundaries!

In your first post you talk about worrying about whether or not taking a break will "work." It sounds like you want the break to work to bring you and your partner closer together in the future, but it's stressing you out that you can't be sure if it will or not. I think it's always scary to have to make a decision without knowing what the long term consequences will be — and we can never really know what the future holds or how other people will feel. But I want to suggest trying to think about a possible break in a different way: whether it will "work" for *you*. It sounds from your second response that you have a very good understanding of your feelings in this relationship right now and a really clear picture of what you need. So maybe you could ask yourself, do you think that taking a break will work to give you what you need (space from something that is causing you stress, more time and energy to take care of yourself, etc.)?

I have two suggestions for articles you could read that might help you do some more processing and coping. The first one, Should I Stay or Should I Go? has a lot of information about how to figure out how you feel about a relationship, including a section on taking a break. The second one, Self-Care: A La Carte!, has a ton of great suggestions for self care. I'm a huge fan of journaling myself, especially stream-of-consciousness journaling, where I set a goal for how many words or pages I'm going to write and then just write whatever comes to mind until I fill up the pages. Sometimes I end up in really unexpected places! But sometimes if I want more structure, I'll read something and then write about my reactions to it. You could try doing that with one of our articles here, like the Should I Stay or Should I Go article that I linked above. Does that make sense?

[Tonyy0504]

Thanks for the articles! I read them and it seemed to help.

I'm just nervous for... everything. My partner is genuinely all I can ask for. I've done some more self-reflection today and I hope I make the best decision for myself and my future self too. I need to learn to take my own opinion into account because I often only think about other people sometimes. I believe that my partner and I's relationship is healthy and I'm praying this is just a speedbump of some sorts. Everything is so perfect between us except for this one thing, they're basically my best friend. I talked to them about going to couple's therapy, which if I recall correctly we agreed on going *after* the break because my college provides free couple's counseling sessions.

I also really do need to work on my communication skills and I do take the blame for that because they tell me to tell them when I get stressed over their worries but I get stupid and stubborn and try to help them when I can when they aren't even asking for it at all. I tend to be the therapist friend in many of my (previous) friendships/familial relationships and I know for a fact that he is just asking for support and NOT a therapist, but alas, old habits persist. I'll continue to work on myself during our break and I hope they'll continue to also work on themselves during this break. I hate how easily I can get worried about them but I know they're independent and are stronger than they believe themselves to be. Sorry for the ramble, I did start seeing a new therapist a few weeks ago because life has been crazy and I haven't exactly opened up to them fully, it seems right now that I can open up to strangers on the internet easier haha

[Latha]

Hello, Tony! You don’t need to apologize, it’s okay to ramble here.

I get that it is easier to open up to strangers online. Talking to people about important emotional subjects in person can be intimidating, even when helping with such difficulties is their job. As with other relations, building trust with a therapist can take time. You don’t have to go into detail about everything that bothers you immediately.

I like the idea of going to couples counselling - it could very well help with the communication mismatches that you’ve been having with your partner. I know uncertainty about the future of something so important can be nerve-racking, but see if you can turn your attention to the positives. Taking some time to focus on yourself may allow you and your partner to approach your relationship with new energy after the break, and give you a clearer sense of how to handle your problems.