The Abuse Checklist

Questions and discussion about sexual or other abuse or assault, and support and help for survivors.
Forum rules
This area of the boards is expressly for support and help for those who are currently in or have survived abuse or assault. It is also for those seeking information or discussion about abuse or assault. Please make every effort in this space to be supportive and sensitive. Posts in this area may or do describe abuse or assault explicitly.

This area of the boards is also not an area where those who are themselves abusing anyone or who have abused or assaulted someone may post about doing that or seek support. We are not qualified to provide that kind of help, and that also would make a space like this feel profoundly unsafe for those who are being or who have been abused. If you have both been abused and are abusing, we can only discuss harm done to you: we cannot discuss you yourself doing harm to others. If you are someone engaging in abuse who would like help, you can start by seeking out a mental healthcare provider.
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Ruth
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Sexual identity: Queer/lesbian

The Abuse Checklist

Unread post by Ruth »

While abuse can be very complex and tricky to pin down, these checklists are intended to be a springboard for those of you considering the possibility that you may be in an abusive relationship.

Are they:

• Frequently blaming, criticising or calling you names?
• Telling you that you cause or deserve the abuse?
• Isolating you from or making threats about your family or friends?
• Depriving you of things you enjoy or need? (Money, food, car keys)
• Threatening to harm themselves or others if you leave or somehow upset them?
• Pressuring or forcing you into sex or sexual acts?
• Accusing you of lying or cheating?
• Forcing you to (or refusing to let you) use contraception?
• Physically violent towards you, or threatening physical violence?
• Destroying or throwing objects when angry?
• Holding you to unrealistic standards and demands, and angry when they aren’t fulfilled?

Are you:

• Suffering from mental or physical symptoms not otherwise explained by situation or illness?
• Putting other relationships, goals, interests and commitments at risk for your relationship?
• Taking risks or making sacrifices (or feeling like you ought to) to maintain the relationship?
• Feeling isolated from everyone but your partner, and feeling unable to reach out to others?
• Feeling sad, frustrated or upset with sexual encounters far more often than feeling happy? Or ‘zoning out’ or being predominantly passive during sex?
• Keeping sex, tension or emotional issues high and escalating to maintain the relationship, or to avoid or diffuse conflict?
• Feeling unable to have an independent sense of self outside of your partner?
• Feeling bad about yourself or your sexual relationship or behaviour?
• Doing things you don’t want to but feel you have to because of your partner? Or agreeing to things like when your partner puts you down?
• Having trouble discussing, making or enforcing limits and boundaries of your own and respecting those of others? Feeling like you’re always walking on eggshells?
• Making lots of excuses for yourself or a partner, and finding yourself the only one rooting for your relationship?
• Hearing concern about you and your relationship from people who care about you?

Lists adapted from here and here.
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