I said a slur when I was 14 and I want to make up for it

[ls2verice]

I feel like I am spamming the boards with new questions, but I have another:
How do I make up for a slur I said online when I don't know who I said it to and they probably didn't see it? I recently thought about this experience again and regretted the decision a lot.

It was in an internet argument when I was 14 and I got the bright idea (this is sarcasm) to say the b slur (slur for mexicans). I said this because I think the person I was saying this to was trying to downplay saying the n slur (slur for black people). I immediately deleted after a minute because I felt bad and decided to not engage in any controversial videos for a while because I didn't expect me to say that, especially when I was saying that using slurs is wrong. This is what makes me confused by my logic at the time, if saying slurs is bad, why say it as payback? it makes no sense.

I didn't get a reply calling it out or a reply at all and it stayed up for a short time so I think nobody saw, but you can never rule out anything. I had moved on from the experience but I remembered it again when I saw someone being called out for saying a slur in a online kpop space I frequent. This person apologized, said it was 10 years ago, and said that they were educated and never did it again, but people were saying they weren't taking accountability and that they did not change. This made me wonder, how do you take accountability for saying a slur if those things aren't enough? I also wonder how I can take accountability for something if I don't know the people who I was arguing with and where they are. I really want to make amends for my behavior.

[Sofi]

Hi ls2verice,

I want to start by saying it's great that you're aware of how harmful words are and that you used one that isn't okay to use, especially at your young age. You're already doing a lot more than other people, of all ages, who refuse to acknowledge slurs are bad or take any accountability whatsoever, so that's good!

Considering you deleted the post quickly, it's likely no one even saw it and the slur didn't hurt anyone directly. Of course it's still wrong to use slurs even if you're in private, BUT, I don't think this is something you need to make amends for. And as you said yourself, even if the person did see it, you don't even know who they are and it was 3 years ago.

I do want to circle back to something you mentioned in another post about your aunt being worried you might have OCD and it runs in your family. It does seem like you tend to ruminate over things you said or did, often a long time ago, and get stuck in a thought spiral about them where you convince yourself you did something bad. This is common with OCD, so if you're able to, it would be a good idea to bring this up to a psychiatrist for an evaluation to see if you do have it. There are a lot of helpful tools and therapy styles that can help with obsessive thoughts and ruminating, so if that's what's going on here, it's worth checking.

Anyway - I really don't think you need to worry about this particular thing, and give yourself some grace. You were 14, you've learned (yes people DO learn and people CAN change, contrary to what those people said). I'd kindly suggest being more careful about which online spaces you're reading and participating in, too, since sometimes people online can be very extremist about things and it can cause mental health damage to people with OCD. Do you think this is something you could do, is take a look at the spaces you're often in online and figure out which may not be as healthy? The amount spent online also contributes to this, not just the specific spaces, but one thing at a time.

[ls2verice]

Yes, I think this is something I could do! I actually thought about this before during this month because I had started mainly frequenting the k-pop side of twitter (which can be rough too if I am honest, but I try to stay on the cute accounts and edits side) and when I returned back to spaces that talked about social issues and morals, I realized that what a lot of people were saying weren't really applicable or logical if said in real life. I also just stopped looking at discourse earlier this year because I was having physical reactions from seeing some of the violent stuff that were being said and I still was pretty triggered by being sexually harassed by an adult repeatedly during a debate (there wasn't any cursing nor was I aggressive, so this was just random to me). The physical reactions were like shaking, heart beating hard, and I'd get these reactions in real life due to confrontation even if it was little things. It was all really bizarre/crazy!

Another thing I noticed is that some of the accounts that were constantly in discourse before got even worse when I got back and it made me sad. I think what's so hard about separating from those spaces fully is that I do care for social issues and there's a lot of people with extremist attitudes so it's hard sometimes to see their takes as extreme rather than someone who just cares for morality and has strong principles. Right now I am still on the k-pop side and make edits for people to enjoy and I feel 2x better idk exactly why I have this habit of thinking about morality so much, but I have a inkling of suspicion that it has something to do with being exposed to those spaces since I was 14.

When I go to college this year I do plan to at least use the counseling services they have there and then save up for therapy!