Scarleteen

this is my first time posting on here, i'm nervous, i don't want to be hated.
I don't know if I've been assaulted, i actually just got into a fight with my sister about this. She thinks i wasn't molested/touched, even screamed the words "IF YOU WERE, WHO IS IT, WHO DID IT!'.
I dont know who, all i know is what ive done, and who i am.
Im almost 80% sure ive committed cocsa(sorry board members if thats to vulgar), and I feel horrible for it. Like a monster. I would never in a million years ever do that to someone, but I did-roughly when I was 5-6-7..? not sure, def younger than 9.
I feel horrible, like I can never be good again. Im scared they'll remember one day and resent me.
Another thing that makes me feel like ive been SA, is I have vaginism. I cant insert anything like a tampon because theres a wall of muscle. to the best of my knowledge, this is caused by Sa/ tramua with SA/ anxious thoughts on intimacy etc.
Ive been very anxious about sex my whole life, feeling replused by the idea- so replused I thought i was asexual.
sorry if this is long. I just cant stand myself right now.

Welcome to the boards. I'm so sorry to see you suffering so much around this, and I'm sorry that this has caused screaming in your home. No need to worry about being vulgar here.

You're using the term COCSA: can you tell me where you learned that term, and if you had the concerns you're having now before you heard it? One of the reasons I ask that is that over the last couple of years, with the popularity of that term on social media -- and the very un-nuanced, unclear and high-key ways it is often used -- we have had quite a lot of people coming in here in the kind of panicked distress you are, and the way this is presented to people on socials often causes this panic, which makes it extra hard to figure out what's actually going on or has gone on.

You seem to be saying that you believe you were both a victim of some kind of child sexual assault or abuse as well as a perpetrator of some kind of child sexual abuse. Do I have that correctly? If so, can you say some more about what's giving you those ideas? Do you have any memories of either of these things?

Vaginismus, if you do have vaginismus, has many different potential causes, being the victim of abuse is only one. Asexuality and/or sexual repulsion are different things, though the latter is sometimes part of the former. Asexuality is an orientation, not something "caused" by anything, just like homosexuality, heterosexuality or bisexuality don't have causes. Sexual repulsion is something that people can feel for a wide array of reasons, sometimes including for no apparent reason at all. But since what seems to be distressing you most is the thought that you have been a victim of and committed child sexual abuse, I feel like we should try and talk through those things before we talk more about vaginismus, asexuality or sexual repulsion.