How do I deal with intense (like, really intense) discomfort regarding sex and my own body?

[virtualvirgil]

I am a transgender male and I've internalised the idea that sex is gross and impure and it doesn't help that I am very averse to being dirty and terrified of getting sick, and being transgender only intensifies my disgust towards my own body.

I've never even touched anything down there, not even to clean it (I use a shower head or a bidet). I've never even looked at it! Sometimes I do hump a pillow but I didn't even know it was masturbating until a few months ago and I don't know if I'm really doing it properly . . . ? I feel less averse to these things when I'm horny, I guess, but I get dizzy and nauseous (I mean, actually nauseous that I almost vomit) even thinking about my vulva when I'm not in that mood. I don't want to be this way.

I do want to have sex one day (but obviously, not anytime soon) and maybe try touching myself down there but gender dysphoria and the negative feelings and views towards anything sexual drilled into my mind make that difficult. I'm not sure what the main cause of my aversion is — my germaphobia? the way that I've internalised sex being evil and dirty? the fact my body doesn't align with my mind? Maybe it's all of it somewhat equally, but it's annoying that it makes me feel this way because I really do want to enjoy my body. Pillow humping is okay but I want to try other things too, whether or not I'll like them in the end. It's just terrifying

Having bottom surgery would probably make things easier since, even though genitals and sex in general make me queasy, it's not as intense with penises because at least that aligns with my gender and in my mind it feels less gross(???) than vulvas but I'm unsure what my preferences are in sex yet (and I probably won't be sure for a while) so I'm not sure whether getting bottom surgery or not would be more convenient, although I have to admit that my insecurity of my identity does push me more towards the option of getting it.

How do I overcome this discomfort and fear? I'll probably end up using all the hand soap in the house if I do ever touch myself down there one day, haha.

[Latha]

Hi Virtualvirgil, welcome to the boards!

I think your analysis for why you feel this way (dysphoria, negative beliefs about sex, and germaphobia) is pretty cohesive. This is good, because it makes your next steps relatively clear - you just have to try to address each of these issues as you can. I know that is easier said than done, and that it must be frustrating to be in this place. But rest assured: with some time and effort, it will be possible for you to develop a better relationship with your body and with sex.

Here is something you could try on your own to help with negative beliefs and germophobia: when I have similar feelings, I usually try to find to something that feels a little uncomfortable, but not overwhelming. Then I try to stay there for a while and intentionally cultivate neutrality or appreciation to the things that make me feel afraid. I think the key is small steps and patience with yourself. As time goes on, your feelings of disgust may dissipate and become less automatic.

I mean it when I say the steps should be small. Don’t push yourself to explore things that are too overwhelming. If thinking about your own body or the idea of yourself in sexual situations is difficult, you could start by thinking about these concepts in general. If thinking about sex or genitals is too much, try to start by learning to appreciate bodies in non-sexual contexts. If you can, surround yourself with positive messages about bodies, sex, and sexuality. This will help you internalize better ideas, and change the beliefs that tell you that you should feel ashamed/disgusted.

This whole process might be easier with a trans-friendly therapist. Trying to change how you feel without external support can be difficult, and counselors are trained to help with these sorts of issues. Would you be open to exploring the option?

I didn't even know it was masturbating until a few months ago and I don't know if I'm really doing it properly

If humping a pillow is something that works for you, that is great! Really, there is no singing ‘proper’ way to masturbate - all that matters is finding what feels good to you.

P.S. I found an article and advice column that you might like to read: Undoing Sexual Shame, and I'm scared to touch my own vagina: why?

[virtualvirgil]

Thank you! And for the articles as well. I was reading a lot last night.

When I was young, I've never had a problem with learning about the bodies and sexual functions of animals, especially ones a lot consider 'gross', like spiders and snakes. I guess I just never had the interest in human anatomy (or humans in general) when I was younger until after I internalised all of this discomfort.

I've tried to put the 'end goal' of being comfortable with my own body in the back of my mind for now so that I can first approach learning about bodies with curiosity and an educational mindset and I think it's working. Of course, fear and discomfort are still huge and take a while to handle, but I think every time I learn more it's a step away from those two things. It's probably going to take a while until I really undo my negative feelings about my own body though, even if I do get more comfortable about the whole thing in general.

Unfortunately, a therapist isn't an option at the moment. Maybe in the future, but not now. Too expensive, haha.

Is nonsexual masturbation a thing? Sometimes, I'll touch elsewhere in my body or, as I mentioned previously, hump my pillow, but it's not really sexually-charged most of the time. I'm autistic so touch is a sensitive and often uncomfortable thing for me, but with myself and in a quiet, controlled environment, I find that the stimulation can be satisfying and relaxing but not necessarily sexual most of the time. I mean, I still feel the funny sensation in me that I associate for when I am sexually excited, but it's not really the point of it and it isn't as intense usually. In all honestly, it's never sexually-charged most of the time because I find that trying to fantasize or think anything sexually while masturbating is too distracting and it's hard to do both at once unless I had a clear idea beforehand.

Again, thank you so much!

[CaitlinEve]

virtualvirgil,

It can be a lot easier to deal with things like anatomy from an outside, scientific viewpoint. It's when it starts being personal that it can be an issue regarding dysphoria, like you've described! That's not abnormal, even if it is frustrating to deal with. Healing and progress take a while, but I'm so glad to hear that you think the things you're trying are working!

From what you describe, it sounds like you may not have a high libido. Do you experience arousal? Masturbation is what you make it; it doesn't necessarily have to be a sexual thing for you. It could even be considered 'maintenance' of a kind for you and your body, if that's what feels most comfortable.

[virtualvirgil]

I think I experience arousal. I've never really noticed physical changes down there when I feel excited because I try not to pay attention and I've never looked or felt with my hands there. I mean, I do feel a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach and a sense of adrenaline and excitement so I just assumed that would be enough to count.

I heard that nipples can get hard when aroused but I think that's probably no good indicator for me because there is never any pleasant sensation in my chest ever, probably because they're way too big. I know it's a little off-topic from my original post but I might as well ask here because it's been slightly distressing. I'm 5'1 and 45 kilograms but my chest is way too big. D cups, last time I checked. It's so uncomfortable and heavy and it's especially annoying when I try to bind because I have to use both trans tape and a binder and then wear thick clothes or layer on top of that! I'm average weight (I think) but I have no idea why they're so big, and exercise is difficult because I don't have a sports bra and either way I'm too young for gyms here, plus I have really bad breathing problems and get palpitations very easily. I'm pale too but my areolas are huge and really dark. I know breasts are often misrepresented but I still worry a little.

Anyway, sorry about that short tangent. Back to the stuff about libido and arousal. I have alexithymia so feelsy stuff in general is pretty difficult unless it's very intense so I tend to be a bit of an adrenaline junkie to make up for the lack of emotional stimulation.

After some thinking, it seems like my mind gets bored of sexual excitement after a while — maybe a week or so — and I give up on it for a while — one or two weeks or so or enough to forget the exact experience — until the idea feels new and exciting again. Sexual excitement is pretty much almost impossible during this timeframe, but it doesn't follow this routine all the time, I think. It confuses me somewhat though because as an autistic person, I thrive on repetition and often am thrilled to consume the same media over and over again repetitively, so I don't know why it's different with this. Maybe weird hormone level things. Or maybe it's the cycle/routine itself that's repetitive. I still do masturbate regardless of sexual excitement though because it just feels routine to me. I don't know. What I do know is that my ability to get sexually excited is always on either side of two extremes — completely impossible and not very stimulating or intense and to the point that it's mostly one of the only things I can think of for an amount of time, regardless of my desire for sexual excitement or not.

Anyway, I guess masturbation is both sexual and nonsexual for me. I'm really glad this site exists. I found out about it a few months back and was meaning to read more but ended up forgetting for a while. This has really given me an opportunity to reflect on myself and my experiences, and learn more.

[HannahP]

Hi Virtual Virgil!

Using masturbation for comfort and relaxation, rather than sexual excitement, is very common. Some people routinely masturbate before bed in order to fall asleep, for example. You can think of masturbation as a way to care for your body and experience pleasant/comforting/enjoyable sensations, similar to getting a massage or taking a bath or shower. And these things can be true whether or not you experience strong arousal or fantasize. The important thing is that you find what's comfortable and enjoyable for you, because masturbation is supposed to serve you, you know?

Here's one of our articles about masturbation for you: How Do You Masturbate? It has a lot of information about various ways that people with vulvas masturbate and I hope it helps reassure you that what you're doing is very common!

As for your other point, I'm so sorry that your body is causing you such stress and discomfort. It doesn't sound to me like anything you describe is unusual or a cause to worry — there is such a wide variety in what breasts can look like in shape, color, and size. But it is frustrating that this part of your body is getting in the way of how you'd like to present yourself and is so uncomfortable! I want to link you to our article about binding and other types of gender expression gear, just in case some of these resources could help you find something more comfortable and to make sure you know about how to bind safely. Especially since you have breathing problems, it's so important to make sure you're not restricting your breathing. Here's the article: Trans Summer School: Gender Expression Gear.