) I didn't think much of it and opened the comments and found that i really related to the video and what a lot of the comments said as well about being trans. After seeing that, I started seeing a lot of things I did in a completely different light. For example- I identify as lesbian and have for about three years on and off, so I always thought me wanting to present as masculine was just because I was lesbian and predered that style, but when I thought about it more, maybe I just want to be masculine not in a masc way but in a guy way? (If that makes sense) For years, even before I realized I was lesbian, I had always told myself that "men waste their potential" and "if i was born a guy i would..." and "men are so lucky to be born as men" and just things along those lines. I also always constantly try to sort of outdo men. For example, if someone needs help opening the lid to something, I will spend day and night trying to open it simply so that they don't ask a guy for help- small things like that just to kind of prove to myself that men are not better than me and that we're on the same level (though idk if this just might be my inner feminist coming out lmao).
I've just always wanted to be more masculine and even when I see a guy that looks like how I want to look, I get so jealous. I think this is also why I struggled with my sexuality as well, I thought my jealousy for the guy was attraction rather than jealousy. I say to all my friends that I hate men but in all honesty I wish I was born a guy. When I'm *yk* it always feels so much better when I imagine myself as a guy and I can only do it if I think of another guy or of myself as a guy. I always struggled with my lesbian identity because of this but, like I said, I'm starting to see a lot of things in a different light. The idea of being with a girl as a guy myself also feels so much better and I see myself so much happier. Sometimes I would tell myself I wouldn't mind being in a straight relationship but it wasn't until I started questioning my gender that I realized I wouldn't mind it if *I* was the guy.
The only bas thing is I'm afraid of what everyone around me would say. All of my friends are allies and queer themselves, but all of them are cis so I just feel alone. I did make a small post on my close friends that was a reference to the movie "I watched the tv glow" which is about coming to terms about being trans saying like "my tv is glowing hut i'm going to cover it with a blanket and ignore it" and one of my friends slid up and said she supported me and that she was there for me which made me cry because my entire issue is being isolated and not finding support. My parents are homophobic as well- maybe not to others but i know they would be to me. My brother supports and has a trans friend, but even then I'm afraid of what hus reaction and everyone else's reaction to me being trans (if i am) would be.
On the other hand, I also like the female experience. I like feeling girly sometimes and having long hair and doing my makeup and being a girl and I LOVE FEELING *PRETTY*!!!! And i love when people call me pretty and i love jewelry but being a boy just seems like so much fun and boys could also technically do all of that but doing it as a girl is different and stuff but also Doing my makeup as a boy seems so much funner and ughhh idk. I like being a girl but I also want to be a boy. Idk.
Anyways, I lowkey rambled a lot but if anybody can understand this mess that are my thoughts, I would appreciate some tips on how to navigate it
