Challenging sexuality bits in your teens & 20s

[Heather]

If you had to pick the top most challenging parts of your sexuality or sexual life so far, what would they be?

Mine may look a little out-of-place here, because it was an awfully long time ago that I was in my teens and twenties, but I'd say some of them were:
• There being little to no information, address or support around sexual abuse or assault, at all.
• The library -- there was no internet! -- having little to no information about being anything but heterosexual. Heck, we didn't even have most of the language we do now! On that same note, having any recognition whatsoever of bisexuality -- rather than the idea I must be gay or straight -- sure wasn't awesome.
• Feeling pulled by adults around my sexual or romantic relationships in terms of what kind they were or how serious. I felt like half the adults were concerned about something being "too serious," and telling me to only date casually, while the other half was pushing against that saying things should ONLY be serious. Particularly as someone who had, and wanted, a range of relationships, from casual to serious, I felt like I needed way more room to just decide that for myself, based on what I wanted, what the other people did, and what those interactions were like rather than some kind of golden rule.
• Having gender represented in SUCH a binary way, and where there was no choice involved, only assigned sex, so where, for instance, if you weren't a girly-girl, that automatically = "tomboy," which was just 'the other kind" of girl, rather than any idea or recognition about the fact that maybe, just maybe, the world was divided into more than just two groups when it came to gender.

How about you?

[tealcoati]

Honestly, I have no idea where I'd be at right now if I didn't have the internet. :s I've learned so, so, so much about orientation and sexuality and puberty and feminism from online resources; it's alien to imagine life without it. I try to talk to my parents about important issues as often as I can, but sometimes I get questions that they don't know how to answer, or that I'm not comfortable asking.
(Although on a side note this does remind me that I should probably go to the library more often like I used to. I've been craving some non-fiction!)

I'd have to say that what gave me the most trouble throughout early puberty (when I was about 9-12) was Girl's Life magazine. It practically embodied all the negative messages I was already getting from society and media. I ordered a subscription back then because I thought it'd have good advice, but as I'm still getting issues (and we haven't renewed my subscription in years either D: I really thought it would've ran out by now ) I'm really seeing how problematic they are. I think they might've gotten worse as time has gone by, I remember they originally had more serious articles and they published negative letters as well as positive on their feedback page, but now the serious articles have practically disappeared and they only publish the praise they get. Sure, they'll write the occasional articles on LGBTQIA support or body image issues and all that, but their other content will contradict the message in those articles, either directly or inadvertently.

For starters, the magazine is pretty sizeist (sp?). Every issue has tips on getting a "bikini body in just __ weeks!" or "lose your muffin top" or any other variants you can think of. I think this really damaged my self-esteem as a chubby girl, especially during a time when my body was changing and I was already vulnerable. My family and I have always put forth an effort to eat healthy and organic, as we're lucky enough to be able to afford this stuff. I've taken martial arts classes multiple times a week for two and a half years (again, I'm only able to do this because my parents can afford it). And with the media constantly saying that I was only overweight because I was "lazy" or "unhealthy"? Saying that because of my curves I was ugly, that I was the punchline of a joke, or that I was somehow less of a person. I've been an insecure wreck about my weight and hated myself for it for a long time, I'm only recently able to love and accept my body. I still have bad days. I can't imagine what this kind of message does to kids who are in a situation where eating healthy and organic isn't an option. That stuff is expensive-- and I've seen families who have to choose between buying bread or toilet paper each week. Or the kids like me, who have the opportunity to be healthy, and wonder why they're not thin despite everything they do.
I've seen people send questions into the magazine like, "My thighs are too big and I hate them. How can I make them smaller?" The columnist didn't tell her anything like there was nothing wrong with her thighs, that everyone is different and that's fine, that her thighs are fine whether they're thick or thin, nothing like that. I believe her answer was to do more squats and chair exercises. I was shocked. An answer like that is just like telling her that there IS something wrong with her and something like that would've absolutely crushed me a couple years back. And what if she was already doing those exercises? What would an answer like that have done to her self-esteem then?
This message is already extremely prevalent in the media. It's inescapable. I trusted them for body advice and it hurt me far more than they'll ever realize. Recently, they've added a section for clothing styles based on body type. It is entirely about hiding your body and making it look more "normal". The body types have names like "ruler" or "boyish" or "petite and curvy". I'm sure that first one made tall & thin girls feel JUST GREAT about themselves, and for the second one, way to go GL for completely stereotyping gender expression; also, might I add that there's no "tall and curvy" body type? We exist too. They explain how to make yourself look curvier if you're not, or if you have large breasts or hips how to make them look smaller, how to make it look like you have long legs if you don't, and they call it "flattering". Uh, NO. A magazine targeted at pubescent girls should focus on encouraging body love no matter what you look like, not encouraging body love only when you fit some ridiculous standard of beauty.

Heather, you mentioned feeling pulled around based on what type of relationship you had as a teenager. This magazine LOVES to do that, and it's also very heteronormative (more on that in a minute). :c Personally, I'm someone who works best with just serious relationships, but because I'm a teenager, GL thinks I'm "silly" or I'm "growing up too fast". Girls are frequently discouraged from trying to maintain long-distance relationships because "you're young and they won't work, you should have more fun at your age before you settle down later". I've seen the term "puppy love" used a lot. It's so stereotypical and awful-- serious relationships are bad for those flighty little teenagers, but hoo boy once you grow up you better settle down there, bucko. It's like the writers don't trust teenagers and tweens to figure out what works best for them, that they don't know their own feelings. They have a horoscope section towards the back, and it never fails to say "you'll meet a new really cute boy in your ____ class!". Well, uh, that's great if you're looking for a relationship, and you like guys, and you aren't homeschooled. But because of this, I felt like I was doing something wrong because I wasn't interested in having summer flings or I was hoping that if I entered into a relationship, it'd be serious. Again, because I'm a teenager, I don't know what I want and I won't be able to feel "real love" anyway. I don't even know how to cover everything wrong with this attitude-- teenagers don't have real feelings, casual relationships aren't "real", serious relationships are for when you settle down during mid-adulthood...ugh.

And then we have all. The. Heteronormativity. Once in a blue moon, they'll acknowledge that some girls are lesbians or bi. However, they seem to think these are the "other" girls, and none of their main readership. Not once have I seen them mention pansexuality, or asexuality, or any other orientation. While I can't recall if they've mentioned trans teens before, there's nothing in there for those whose bodies don't fit the gender binary, there's nothing in there for transgirls, nothing for tomboys, nothing for transboys, and nothing for or mentioning the genderfluid or agender. Their magazine is called "Girl's Life", so I wish they'd acknowledge you don't have to be straight and cis and feminine to be a girl. I feel like having more exposure to all the various kinds of identities would've been very beneficial for my early pubescent days.
It also gave me some really bad messages about guys and girls (again, no mention of other identities to be found). Girls have asked for advice on how to ask a guy out, and I've actually seen them get told not to be direct because guys don't liked being chased. Woah woah WOAH there. I just...what?! Because of my body and identity, my flirting is supposed to be limited to "laughing at his jokes even if they aren't funny" (eew stereotype; also, can't we share a sense of humor?), "smiling and waving" (being generally friendly is heavy flirting apparently), and "playing with my hair". Also, you'll have to tolerate his icky guy friends and grossness, because all guys like potty humor, apparently. And if he treats you poorly or ignores you around his friends, that's okay! He's got a reputation to keep up, you know. Just... I don't even know where to start with that. Also, how do two girls ask each other out, according to this magazine? Do they just sort of vaguely giggle and flip their long, flowing hair until they magically wander into a movie theater or restaurant? They can't ask each other out directly, they're girls! D: Or does one of them have to be "the man" in the relationship and do all the direct stuff? (Ughhh that hurt to type)
But there's also this really prevailing stereotype that "guys" don't feel emotions like "girls" do, that they're immature, they're reckless, etc. And, this leads into another message that really hurt my early sexuality: guys will pressure you for sex, which you're not supposed to give them because you'll get pregnant and get an STI. So if you HAVE to have sex, do it safely (by the way I'm all for safe sex and I'm glad GL is at least telling girls about condoms and birth control and advising them to use it). I'm still a virgin (haven't ever kissed anyone either), but ouuuccchhh. This reinforced that old "no girl wants sex, all guys do" cliché in my mind when I was still very impressionable. I used to feel a lot of shame for sexual feelings that I had. I used to think there was something wrong with me and I remember crying into my mom's shoulder that "I think I'm some sort of pervert". She had to assure me and reassure me over and over that I wasn't, that I was normal. Again, I'm only recently openly accepting that I have them and that there's nothing wrong with that.

Moving away from GL, I get into the messages some of my other relatives have sent me. I've only started picking up on them recently, thankfully now that I can tell that they're not messages I want to listen to, but it still puts a lot of pressure on me to hide who I am and who I want to be, because I'm afraid of what they'll think of me. They're my extended family, I used to stay at their houses when I was younger and I have many happy memories with them.
I might write a lot more on this story later, but long story short, my aunt has had very little involvement in my life. I would see her once or twice a year when I was really young, and I adored her because she was nice and had a lot of really cute cats and two dogs (both of whom have sadly passed away now). But, we didn't see each other much and never got to know each other that well. Now that my grandmother has moved in with her, I've been able to see her about once a month. I've found out that while she may seem nice, she has a lot of deep-rooted issues with bigotry that I can't talk her away from no matter how hard I try. I've also found out that she doesn't adore me like she says she does-- she adores her idea of the "perfect niece" that she's projected onto me. Just this Monday, she tried to compliment me by calling me "the most naïve person I know; you radiate innocence and purity". I am not naïve. I might be shy, and quiet, and blush easily, but I do not want to be valued above others for my sexual inexperience. That's wrong. Also, it's quite clear that she does not possess any mind-reading abilities. She's also said we're "exactly alike", something she's apparently told all her friends at work. We're not and she should know that from everything I've disagreed with her on.
I get similar attitudes from my paternal grandfather and other older relatives on my father's side. My grandpa praises me for being his "little angel" and "little princess" while berating my cousin behind her back because she wears short-shorts and hangs out with a girl who has gone "wild". Wild meaning that it's possible she might've, heaven forbid, had sex! They don't even know if she has or not, but it's clear they look down on her because it's a possibility. He also gets really indignant when he hears about people in the family cohabitating with their partner before they're married. I'm not planning on getting married for personal reasons, so I dread to think about the drama that'll occur if I ever move in with a guy I like and they catch wind of it, more so if it's more than two people living together.

(I just want to throw in here that my paternal grandma and my dad are both really great and open-minded and do their best to understand me.)

Going back to my aunt, I once tried to test the waters to see if I was safe coming out as polyamorous to her. She'd asked me to pick a favorite out of my fictional infatuations and seemed accepting when I said I couldn't pick anymore than one could pick a favorite child or friend, so I thought it might actually be a safe subject with her. I made a passing joke about a love triangle in a story, saying that it'd be a whole lot easier if they just shared. (Side note: I know it doesn't work for everybody and I don't want to force the lifestyle on anyone, however, I do wish it was treated as a valid option!) She...flipped out, basically. She said that was a bad attitude to have, that you shouldn't let any woman "steal" your man (Auntie, men can be bi or pan, did you know that? Also I don't "own" anyone), that I would need to pick a guy and settle down some day, everything she could've possibly said to make sure I never brought it up with her again. However, I know I won't be able to avoid it forever. If I have a polyamorous relationship in the future, I won't call my partners or metamours "just friends" or anything of the sort unless they want me to.

Sorry that this is kinda ranty, I didn't think this would turn out to be as much of a novel as it was. XD Super long story short: Girl's Life magazine worsened my negative body image throughout early puberty with the attitude that body types could be "fixed", and their stereotypical views made me feel like I was too young to understand my own feelings and worsened shame I already felt for my sexuality. It's also very heteronormative and I found it very limiting.
Some of my relatives don't understand who I am, and I'm scared they'll think worse of me if they do, but I don't think I can hide it forever. They want to project what they want onto me, and it's a terrible feeling that I can't be open about myself around them because of this.

[Peonies]

I would have to second tealcoati on the bit about what information and articles we get in magazines. Most college students I know get most of their information on sexual health and sexuality in general from Cosmopolitan. While I'm no expert, I can see the misinformation that is OBVIOUSLY there. I was leafing through a friend's copy a while back and was astounded at some of the things that "doctors" had written. Most articles like tealcoati pointed out were focused on a set image of standards for what someone's body should look it. Tips for healthy living are great, but it is only one body type they are calling "healthy".

Also, going along with the "misinformation" theme, I believe poor sex education has contributed to a lot of people being totally confused about anything related to sexuality. I never actually had sex education in schools. One day a year in health class in 7th and 8th grade we had a day where someone would come in and talk to us about abstinence. No safer sex education, no information on contraception, no info on healthcare. They basically told us this: If you are not abstinent you will most certainly become pregnant and contract a horrible disease. I had to do my own research to get any real help.

Lastly, I think realizing how to learn to let go of what you see in the media/public opinion/opinion of friends of family as "right" and "wrong" when it comes to your sexual life. Realizing that everyone is different and can make their own choices about their sexual life. Learning to do what makes you happy and keeps you feeling safe.

[ratperson]

Okay, just a warning, this might be a long one.

When I started puberty, I was a late bloomer, basically. I got my period a full year after all my friends did, and while the first few weren't so bad, I quickly found that having a period for a week and a half, heavy enough that unless I changed products after every class I'd bleed through, and with such bad cramps I could barely concentrate in school, were all my new 'normal'. Because my mom had these same symptoms when she was young, she assumed it was normal and I wasn't allowed to bring it up with the pediatrician. As a result, when people said things like, "It's just your period, toughen up!" or "They're just cramps, everyone else is running laps, get up and run or you'll go to the principal!" or the worst (from across the room, usually by a fake friend) "Why is there BLOOD on your PANTS, [my name]????????", I felt awful because I couldn't control the amount of bleeding (obviously) and the fact that everyone else was able to cope except for me (at least, everyone I knew/had classes with) made me feel weak.

Growing breasts was a challenge too. I'm not saying I spent ages doing the "Increase my bust" song, more that they started growing, and then sort of....stalled, for about four years. Then, I went on the pill, to control aforementioned bleeding problems and the awful acne I dealt with, and they grew. Quickly. I started the pill the month before school junior year, and by the third month I went from training-bra-size bras (seriously, they didn't even have a letter for cup size!) to C and D cup bras. (I found out from a friend after graduating high school that I was the talk of the school for a while, with people wondering if I'd had work done. -___-)

Family attitudes toward sex and relationships were also difficult. I grew up with the knowledge that my mother had my half-sister at age 16, then married the father. She later divorced him and found my dad, and had me. (except, of course, none of this is true - I was adopted. But anyway...) Because of that, I was made to hide my birth control pill pack when my boyfriend (who I started dating junior year of high school) came over, because my mom was afraid I'd 'give him the wrong idea'. (She didn't know I told him I was on it almost immediately, because I had accepted it as part of my identity and he was genuinely interested in the female POV of how the body works.) I got in trouble for anything past kissing, despite losing my virginity the week after he went off to college, since he came back and visited. My mom still thinks (I'm 20 now and this October will be our five-year anniversary of dating!) that I'm a virgin, mostly because she shows emotionally manipulative and controlling behavior and so I'd rather she not find out, if possible, until I've moved out and she can no longer attempt to control my life. (Today we went clothes shopping and she insisted on inspecting everything I decided to buy and monitoring it for 'appropriate fit'. I'm *20*. -__-)

Sex ed in school was sorely lacking; we had three days of 'how to chart a woman's period' which assumed the textbook 28-day model, with ovulation at precisely the halfway point; we had one day to discuss various types of birth control methods, an extended amount of time discussing STIs and the fact that condoms don't prevent them all the time (so they said), and then a person from a nearby religious group came in and showed a video. The video involved girls (only girls, their boyfriends never appeared) who didn't wait for sex and either became pregnant or had their parents find out they were having sex. Many of their parents forced them to marry their boyfriends (mainly the ones who became pregnant, but some who didn't as well), but made them wear brown dresses (as in, 'white equals purity so you can't wear it, wear brown because [insert reference to bodily function here]!') and overall shamed them. She then handed out pencils that said "I"m worth waiting for", and that was about it. There was nothing about non-heteronormative things (no lgbt+ topics whatsoever), and the entire thing was 'We don't want you to have sex, so we'll use scare tactics to make you not want to either!' My parents didn't help much, either, dad left it up to mom and mom's idea was 'did they tell you about sex in school? Good, now don't do it or you'll be in massive trouble! I did and look where it got me - pregnant with your half-sister!'