Am I still gay?

[bread.and.egg]

Recently at the end of January, I started a new job with this guy and we’ve grown very close. I’ve been out as gay ((I am a cis woman)) since high school and have always loved women and only ever wanted to date women ((there was a brief period my last year of high school when I “dated” a guy friend, but it was more to confirm/deny my sexuality)). I even have a girlfriend that I’ve been with since July of last year. However in these recent months, the closer I’ve grown to this guy the more conflicted my feeling has become and the more I’m starting to think I love him. Not even just emotionally, but physically as well. I’ve had thoughts about being intimate and kissing him, as well as dreams ((which feels like my subconscious telling me something)) All of which is completely new to me as someone who has never had any sexual interest in men or romantic for that matter ((there are platonic relationships with men in my life but that’s about the extent)) So I guess my question is asking is that normal? I feel like I’ve known my identity so long and for it to so suddenly be turned on its head like this feels like whiplash happening. And is this feeling only because I’m spending so much time with him? I’ve never felt more understood by anyone and he is always pushing me to express my feelings and myself while helping to convey those emotions. My girlfriend and I are long distance at the moment so my initial thought is that these feelings are so strong because we’re spending so many hours together. But I’m just not sure. I feel understood by my girlfriend as well but in different levels to this guy. So should I tell him these feelings? He also has a girlfriend and the last thing I want to do is ruin either of our relationships for something that seems so selfish to tell him. But every time I’m around him I’m so content and happy, only for me to be looking forward to the next time we see each other. How do I distinguish the platonic feelings with romantic?

Thanks for listening

[bread.and.egg]

I wrote my previous post in a frenzy and came back to it realizing I could add more details so here is the post more “in-depth”:

New account who couldn’t quite find my answer:

So recently at the end of January this year, I moved back to my home state after being away a couple years and started a new job. I met this guy who I work with and over the past few weeks, I feel like my feelings for him have blurred between platonic and romantic. I’ve been out as gay ((I am a cis woman)) since high school and have always loved women and only ever wanted to date women ((there was a brief period my last year of high school when I “dated” a guy friend, but it was more to confirm/deny my sexuality and it confirmed me being gay-at the time)). I even have a girlfriend that I’ve been with since July of last year. However in these recent months, the closer I’ve grown to this guy the more conflicted my feeling has become and the more I’m starting to think I love him. Not even just emotionally, but physically as well. I’ve had thoughts about being intimate and kissing him, as well as dreams ((which feels like my subconscious telling me something or WANTING something)). The somatic aspect having began a couple weeks ago when our relationship became a little more physical ((pushing each other, tugging one other’s hair, what I think of as purely playful)) All of which is completely new to me as someone who has never had any physical or sexual interest in men nor romantic for that matter ((there are platonic relationships with men in my life but that’s about the extent)) My history with men is not great: in my past I have been assaulted and taken advantage of by a couple of men in my life in very traumatic ways ((senior year “boyfriend” included)). So I’m starting to think these events could have caused a trauma response of “needing” to solely identify as a lesbian. Could this be a possibility? Certainly something to talk with a therapist about but I’d like an overview by someone on the outside at the very least. It feels like my life is misaligning so suddenly with what I thought I knew and believed which isn’t disheartening per se. A slap in the face more like. So I guess my question is asking is that normal? I feel like I’ve known my identity so long and for it to so suddenly be turned on its head like this feels like whiplash. And is this feeling only because I’m spending so much time with him? I’ve never felt more understood by anyone and he is always pushing me to express my feelings and myself while helping to convey those emotions. My girlfriend and I are long distance at the moment so my initial thought is that these feelings are so strong because we’re spending so many hours together. But I’m just not sure. I feel understood by my girlfriend as well but in different levels to this guy. So should I tell him these feelings or hold off? He also has a girlfriend and the last thing I want to do is ruin either of our relationships for something that seems so selfish to tell him. But every time I’m around him I’m so content and happy, only for me to be looking forward to the next time we see each other while also feeling confused and conflicted. How do I distinguish the platonic feelings with romantic? It feels like space is needed to figure this out but I’m so put off by the sudden flux in what I thought was platonic feelings.

But anyway. Those are my questions. Thanks for taking the time to read any of this at all

[Heather]

Hey there, bread.and.egg (now I'm hungry!). Welcome to the boards.

You know, it's not our behaviour or even our feelings that makes us however we identify our sexual and/or romantic selves, it's how we choose to identify ourselves.

From a classical sexology perspective -- namely, Kinsey, who is really the person who first codified the spectrum of orientation -- the way that we define both heterosexuality and homosexuality is from *both* an only OR mostly place. So, someone who identifies as a lesbian could be someone who is a woman who has only ever been attracted to women or someone who is mostly attracted to women. Based on all we know, across a lifetime, people who are only ever attracted to people who are either the same gender as them or a different gender are actually pretty rare. It's much more common throughout life to experience at least some attraction to people who are both the same or a similar gender or who are a different gender (thus the old oversimplified adage that everyone is bisexual).

I get it, though, that if and when it's been years -- and for some people, decades -- of connecting with one identity, a shift in that or the feelings that are the basis of that identity can feel really disorienting. I've been there myself once upon a time, and I get you.

Is it possible you identify as a lesbian because of bad experiences with men? It is, but it doesn't sound likely, because you are describing having feelings for women, which is the usual basis of identifying this way. After all, lesbianism really has nothing to do with men, you know? And orientation is really about who we feel attracted to and who we want to have sexual or romantic relationships with rather than who we don't.

In terms of telling this guy about your feelings, I can see a few reasons not to do that right now. The biggest, to me, is that you work together. I don't know what your workplace policies are, but often workplace romances are a no-no, and even when they're not, they can really be fraught. Same goes with the fact that it sounds like he is in an exclusive relationship with someone else. It also sounds like you are trying to figure out your own feelings here, so pulling him into the mix feels like it's more likely to confuse things than clarify them to you. I also don't know what kind of relationship you have with your girlfriend: is it open or are you two exclusive?

I can't tell you how to tell the feelings you have as either platonic or romantic: you're going to be the person whop has the best sense of how you define and experience those categories. Knowing that, what does this feel like to you? Also, does it matter? After all, it doesn't sound like something where changing the nature of the relationship you have -- as warm work friends -- is even in the cards anytime soon, even if that was something you wanted.