Scarleteen

First post here ever I feel very silly but I'm trying to become less ashamed about all of this. Also idk how to use the site so let's hope I'm also doing this right. This is gonna be long so bare with me haha

I have had a lot of shame when it comes to sex and whatnot due to religion growing up. Also being on the asexual spectrum.

But I've gotten curious finally... I've always used pads and never tampons because I was spooked to do anything with downstairs and I never tried pleasing myself. In highschool I was too scared and into college I was too scared and now a few years later I'm still scared but am finally more curious.

I've read some of the articles on the site and it gave me some more confidence in it all so I did try to pleasure myself but it didn't really do much for me. I'm pretty much not sure what Im doing or how to do anything. I actually managed to put my fingers inside myself which is more than anything I've ever done. But trying to actually pleasure myself was really nowhere. I think it was from being anxious and not knowing anything about what I like. So it ended up more as a curiosity run than a pleasuring moment. Not being able to get myself worked up did not help either.

Also I gotta admit it just felt bizarre

Afterwards I definitely fear very guilty and full of shame and regret for doing it but I think that's just the trauma talking.

I just was curious if yall had any advice or anything.

Hi and welcome ConfusedRat017!

Props to you for reaching out even though it’s probably not easy, and no worries, your post is perfectly okay!

I think there is nothing wrong with approaching masturbation as a "curiosity run" first (it is actually what we advice our users to do: Take a Self-Love Road Trip: Let Curiosity Guide Your Masturbation
), as it is really helpful, and usually necessary, to get familiar with your body and the sensations you get in it to be able to relax and explore what brings it pleasure. I also don’t think there is anything unusual about it feeling weird or bizarre at first. After all, you are touching a place you have probably never touched like this with masturbation and sex, something that can have a lot of negative connotations to it, in mind.
But it sounds like you want to continue exploring masturbation, so if you are looking for more ideas how to approach it, if you haven’t seen it yet, this article might be of help: Going Solo: The Basics of Masturbation. What I want to point out from it is that for people with vaginas, inserting fingers or other things often isn’t the most pleasurable stimulation and they get more pleasure from stimulating the clitoris from outside,

I’m also sorry you grew up with negative messaging about sex and masturbation around you. We have an amazing series about sexual shame and the so called Impurity culture, if that’s something you would like to read/talk more about.

That was a lot, so please go over it at your own pace and feel free to circle back with any additional thoughts or questions!

Thanks for your reply! I appreciate it! I checked out the articles and they were very beneficial!

A little update is that I tried again haha. I feel embarrassed and silly to speak about it but I tried this time to find the clit more. I used my shower heads more focused feature. It did work and I was insanely shocked haha. It had me having to kneel and hold the wall for dear life. I was not prepared but now I know. I definitely think I ended up getting overstimulated but I've learned and now know more about myself I has zero clue about. So it was a win.

I still of course felt intense shame and embarrassment afterwards but a little less this time. But now I know. I think I've just been very curious about all of this as it's something I've shut out of my life forever because of it being so taboo for myself.

Hi ConfusedRat017!

I’m glad you had a positive experience, and that Andy’s advice was helpful! This sort of pleasured-focused exploration can go a long way towards dissipating feelings of shame and embarrassment over time.

We also have another article on handling such feelings that you might like to read: Undoing Sexual Shame

It’s normal to feel awkward at first, especially with all the shame you’ve had around it. The fact that you tried again and figured out what works for you is huge. Don’t worry if it felt intense or overwhelming, it’s all part of figuring yourself out.