Scarleteen

Ques 1: I've been married for five months. My wife tends to be very particular—almost OCD—especially when it comes to intimacy. Before we have sex, she always makes sure the bed is clean and usually places an extra bedsheet on top.
We usually start with foreplay, including love bites, touching, and kissing. I also perform oral sex on her, focusing on her clitoris. During this, she often tells me that her legs start to spasm.
I'm wondering—does this mean she's having an orgasm? Also, can you explain what unique signs or experiences typically indicate when a woman is having an orgasm?

Ques 2: My wife doesn't really enjoy French kissing, which is something I personally love. Sometimes when I ask her to try, she’ll go along with it and open her mouth, but after just 5 or 6 seconds, she starts reacting like she’s going to gag or vomit.

I'm not sure how to approach this so we can enjoy kissing more naturally and comfortably together. What can I do to help us get to a point where kissing feels good for both of us?

Hello Fiqu! Welcome to Scarleteen, and congratulations on your marriage!

These are good questions - I’m glad to hear that your focus is on making sex feel good for both of you.

Ans 1: Trembling/spasming legs can accompany an orgasm, though it doesn’t always happen. At their core, orgasms are a peak in sexual arousal, or a release of tension that has been built up in the body. They often involve involuntary muscle contractions in the pelvis, and the release of chemicals like endorphins. Beyond that, orgasms can look very different from person to person, and even from time to time. As noted in our article on the sexual response cycle:

Orgasm can feel like a tickle or a hiccup, but can also feel like a very heavy head rush or wave of dizziness through the whole body. Joani Blank once described it in a sex book for kids as feeling similar to when you really, really have to pee and then finally urinating. Overall, having an orgasm is a bit like being a balloon: your body fills up with pressure, then releases that pressure when it gets to its fullest point, much like a balloon does when it pops.

With experience, you might learn the signs for when your partner is having an orgasm, but I would hesitate to list unique signs for women in general, since everyone is different. The surest way to know if your wife is having an orgasm is to ask her how she felt, if she noticed a peak and then a release of tension.

Ans 2: You know, when one person is less interested or able to participate in an activity than another, it is usually best to defer to the needs of the former. It sounds like French kissing triggers your wife’s gag reflex - that means it is time to dial it back a little. She’s gone along with your request a few times now, so you might try taking a break. Then, you could try again, if both of you feel up to it.

I’m not sure how you’ve been going about this, but it’s often better to start with less in these situations. Don’t start by asking her to open her mouth. Instead, gradually build up to using more tongue - this may help you both get a sense of how much of it is good, and how much is too much.

Thanks Latha, that helped me alot

Glad to hear Latha’s answer has been helpful! Let us know if you have any other questions or needs.